"Shell Shock."


A.K.A.These aren't the Children you're Looking for."


A.K.A. "The Children of Oomoog Om. -Part III"

Written and Directed by:
David Weaver.

STARRING

Rojic,   Jimmi,   Karnov,   Niall,   Kory,  
And introducing:
Joe-90 Hen3ry and 'Lucky.' and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.

AND
Storm Cutter
their ship.

And introducing:
Mister Plaak Tuun, a Keldorian scout.

“When your neighbour's house is on fire, you put out the flames not least to protect your own house.” Rojic is explaining.

“Yes…. And?”

“-And so then your neighbour owes you, and once they’re out of the way, your family can steal everything that is left and probably move in as well.”

“Rojic, you’re just too mercenary!”

“That’s music to my ears.” He beams at Tuun.

“I can make it into a song if you wish.” Jimmi offers.

“No thanks. I’m sure the speeder has a stereo!” Kory turns the knob. After a few seconds she cranks it up to eleven. Some horrible static white-noise whine assails their ears. “Arrrrgggghhhh! Brian Eno…. Again!”

“Although I’m no expert on the music business, I think that there has only ever been one piece of music ever recorded in the entire galaxy’s ten-thousand year history.”

“Only there are about fifty-billion copies.”

“Fifty-billion copies of Brian Eno?” Rojic puts on his most aghast face.

“What’s wrong, is it not enough?”

“I only need one.”

“One?”

“Yes. To beat you over the head with.”

“It’s an electronic copy,” Jimmi explains. “There’s nothing physical, just a pretty stream of ones-and-zeros.”

“I’ll make it inflict pain if it kills me!”

Karnov clears his throat. “Ahem! After that speeder!”

Joe-90 does nothing.

“He’s getting away!” Karnov urges.

Joe-90 still does nothing.

Karnov changes tack. “What’s up with this stupid droid?”

“I think he’s sulking.”

Karnov is trying to keep his temper. “Why would he be sulking?”

“You didn’t say please. –This isn’t the army you know. You don’t have to bark orders!”

Karnov gently threatens instead. “I’ll say please with a disruptor pistol! -Even though I take a firm ethical stand against their use.”

“No point,” Tuun reminds him. “They only do minimal damage to non-organics.”

Karnov keeps his cool. “Okay. Pretty please. With bantha-cream and synthi-sugar on top…..Drive this karking speeder!”

Joe-90 obliges. With droid foot to speeder throttle, they whizz off at greater than R-17 speed.

Kory, Tuun and Jimmi turn to Oomoog Om. They ask the Ithorian to go into more details about the children. “Children….?” Oomoog says, in his slow, melodic way.

By this time, the Neimoidian’s speeder has disappeared into the heat haze and around a corner behind a dune. Rojic is first to pile scorn on Joe-90’s driving skills. “Curse his metal body, he wasn’t fast enough.”

Joe-90 corrects him. “There is a rule of robotics, that prevents me from harming organic life-forms –Going much above R-17 would be fatal to you all.”

Kory puts a hand on his shoulder. “Thanks, Joe. At least someone is thinking of our welfare.”

“Not at all, mistress. – My programming has no such inhibitor. I just wanted to savour the moments of your deaths, while I fed you over a thousand years into the almighty Sarlaac pit, only for you to be digested for another thousand. –Then I thought we might go for drinks on Alderaan.”

Tunn asks. “What are we gonna do now, Karnov?”

“I don’t know….Don’t expect me to be the brains of this outfit!”

“Can I quote you on that?” Kory asks, sweetly.

“No.”

“Too late!”

Oomoog Om interrupts the silence that follows. “Children….Hidden…. In the crack.”

The others all try to stifle sniggers. Tuun hefts his rifle. “Pfft! Children are but ten-a-credit. But Neimoidians, on the other hand, are a rare and endangered species!”

Kory has a brainwave. “The children…..Are they Ithorian?”

“No.”

“Reptillian?”

Oomoog Om elaborates. “There is a legend…..Skaaak brought a Krayt dragon to Trandosha. I searched for it, but there is no sign of it…..But the children!”

Mishearing, Karnov asks, “Crate dragon? One that comes in a crate?”

Jimmi corrects him. “Crêpe dragon. –Made of thin batter!”

“Maybe someone secretly kidnapped it!”

“You mean crept in, took the crêpe Krayt from the crack, put it in the crate and crept out again.”

“Only a shame it wasn’t cute, and in a crypt too!”

“Don’t start all that again!”

Karnov suddenly realises the enormity of the situation. “That’s it then! Full speed ahead to Gorgon’s Crack!”

Nothing happens.

“Please….!”

Joe-90 is hesitant. Karnov slides along the bench seat and takes the controls. He swiftly spins the shiny speeder around and they are soon skimming speedily across the sandy dunes. Joe-90 puts an arm out of the window, and puts on a pair of shades. But the effect is ruined somewhat as he doesn’t have a ‘nose’ to keep them on his face!

“If I only had a nose!”

“Trust me, sitting next to Rojic, you don’t want a nose.”

Jimmi says, “I always imagined Joe-90 had a nose.”

“Try imagining the tin man after the accident with a ninety-ton steam hammer.”

Jimmi thinks for a second. “Okay. Got it!”

Karnov asks Oomoog Om, “Are the children alive or are they in fact eggs?”

“Eggs?”

“Eggs… As in….Er….Large um…..Egg-shaped objects.”

“Eggs?” Oomoog Om says again, still not understanding.

Jimmi prompts. “You know. As in fried, boiled, scrambled, or sunny-side up…..”

“Eggs?”

Kory realises that eggs are not in Oomoog Om’s understanding. “Okay, children.”

“Children!” Oomoog Om nearly smiles.

Tuun is thinking. “If we could bag ourselves a Krayt dragon, and mount it on the front of the speeder, it’d be such a feather in our cap!” Oomoog Om is shocked. “They will be lost!”

“Not on my watch!” Rojic pipes up, rather heroically. However there is a rider, as usual. Everyone Turns to Rojic, especially as he seems to have changed his mercenary tune somewhat.

“Like I said. They’ve got to be in demand, therefore valuable. I’m sure there are a few Hutts who would like a pet Krayt dragon for his or her amusement.”

“Rojic no! We are not going to sell one to the Hutts.”

Oomoog Om stops them. “Chancellor Palpatine has personally overseen this very special ecological project.”

“Chancellor?”

“Palapatine, yes.”

“What possible interest can he have in endangered species?” Kory asks.

Karnov can’t think of any reason. “I don’t have a clue, but doesn’t he know there’s a war on?”

Any answer is drowned out by Karnov wrestling with Joe-90 over the driving seat. They are relieved a while later when he roars up to a narrow gorge, and starts ascending a slim ramp up to a large cavern. “If Shmeeke is on the trail, he’ll be here for his prisoner and the eggs. Best get moving!”

Tuun leaps out of the speeder. “I’ll lead. -It’s a little walk along a ledge, and then we can drop to the bottom of the gorge. From there, it’ll be a bit of climbing. Easy!”

Kory isn’t too sure. “Climbing’s not really my thing.”

She asks Joe-90 to stay with the speeder. “Climbing is not my thing either, miss.” He tells her.

They proceed along a narrow ledge for some way, and by the time they can see the gorge below opening up a little, it is time to descend.

“Time to go!”

“Gone fissure-ing!” Jimmi jokes. At this point, the tumble-weed rises from the gorge floor. It goes past the team, around Jimmi twice, takes a bow and floats back down again.

Kory looks at the others. “Any volunteers for throwing Jimmi off the ledge for that joke?” There is a unanimous show of hands.

Tuun volunteers to go first. “Climbing is easy. –Though technically this is abseiling. Very easy! -I’ll go first. Just do what I do.”

With that, he steps off the ledge, and with a deft movement, starts descending the rope. The others all crowd to the edge of the ledge to see how it’s done. At this point, the top end of the rope decides that it wants to be with the bottom end, as Tuun hasn’t tied it properly. Tuun, the equipment the rope and the prusik all descend at the rate of gravity. “Aaaaaaaaaah!” Tuun yells as the bottom of the gorge suddenly looms large. He falls for a few seconds.

Karnov is quick off the mark, and manages to use the force to slow Tuun’s descent. Tuun lands with a heavy thud, but luckily isn’t fatally injured. Rojic flutters down. “I think he landed on his head and his goggles popped out, but essentially he’s okay. -Though his pride and reputation might have taken a beating.” Kory is about to step off the ledge without a rope, and yell “Aaaaaaaaaah!” Just as Tuun has shown her, when Jimmi stops her. “It would appear that Tuun has found the gorge floor rather rapidly. –Showing how flawed his teaching methods are.”

The others manage to descend in a more controlled manner, and the group assemble at the bottom of the gorge. There are some ominous bones and droppings there, but no dragons. They trudge on, looking for caves. After searching several without success, they see one a little higher then their position and decide to climb up and check it out.

Undaunted by his previous fall, Tuun is up first. He peers into the gloom of the cave. “Oh rats!”

“Rats?”

“Rats. Rats in the walls!”

The others listen. “Actually I don’t think they’re in the walls, more like coming to find us.”

“Finding us they are!” Jimmi says, impersonating Master Yoda.

“Shhh!” Tunn hisses. “There are four rats…. One black one white….. And two khaki!”

“Karking khaki rats!” Rojic swears.

“Shhh!”Jimmi warns, but it is too late!

Rojic starts singing in a throaty, out-of-tune voice. It goes something like this, but not exactly that, but this:

“In a cavern, in a canyon, excavating for a mine…
Dwelt a miner, forty-niner, and his slave daughter,
-who is now mine!”

“I didn’t know you could sing, Rojic!”

“Me either! It’s gorgeous!”

Jimmi is furious. “Trust me. I was there. He didn’t! The words didn’t even fit the tune!”

“Oh, I think you’re jealous. -Just because Rojic can sing better than you!”

Jimmi is incandescent. “That wasn’t singing! That was murdering the song, the tune, the metre, the rhyme….It’s sacrilege!”

With a wink to Rojic, Kory encourages him more. “Oh come now. It was beautiful. Like a million voices all singing at once in glorious harmony…..”

Rojic starts a second verse.

“-And the miner, forty-niner, paid me a hundred credits for a time.
With the daughter, though she shouldn’t ought-er,
-helped to grow; those profits mine!”

Karnov sniffs. “That’s beautiful. What talent!” Jimmi puts hands to ears and tries not to cry.

Tuun shushes them again. The sounds of womp rats are louder and closer. They get into position, guns drawn.

The first womp rat makes a leap for Karnov. Karnov responds by shooting it. Tuun follows suit. Jimmi and Rojic also open fire. The rat turns its attention to Kory, and bites her savagely. The trauma makes Kory pass out. The rat turns on our other heroes. Tuun aims carefully, and blasts the rat. The disruptor bolt goes to work on the rat, which desiccates it like a cheap fairy cake, before reducing it to dust! “That’s for biting my girlfriend!” Tuun yells, but the others are too busy on the other three rats to pay much heed. Rojic and Karnov start pumping blaster bolts into a second rat. It screams in pain, but is otherwise undeterred. Karnov snaps off two shots, which both fizz past the rat. Tuun gets another hit. The rat turns on Jimmi and gnaws a big chunk of flesh. Tuun manages to wound this one too. Kory is coming out of her faint, and seeing the rat on Jimmi shoots it square between the eyes! The rat expires with a shriek. Karnov’s double-tapping does nothing to improve the rat’s temper, nor its fear of blasters. Another volley of shots finally takes it down, including another good hit from Karnov. There are scant seconds for a breather, while the last rat quivers on the edge of attack and escape. It finally decides that cowardice is the better part of valour, and scarpers. They let it go. Our heroes patch Kory and their other wounds. They take stock.

“Very dangerous, rats.” Tuun reminds them.

“You don’t say!”

“I do say!”

Tuun also admits that they might have killed one too many rats.

“Never mind, it will surely get picked up on the proofreading!”

Kory coughs and manages to ask about the fourth rat.

“Why did it run? I thought that they were scared of nothing!”

“Scared of nothing, but not completely stupid.”

Tuun shoots a glance at Karnov, but says nothing.

They catch their breaths, and count their blessings. As soon as Kory can walk unaided, they proceed. After a while, they squeeze through a gap. The cavern beyond is very large and completely dark. With Karnov’s torch picking out details, they think he spies the object of his desire… A Krayt dragon!

“It’s A Drag….Drag….A Dragon!”

Karnov hides his trepidation. “With really big teeth! Now….Let’s back away slowly….-And think about this.”

Oomoog Om advances. “Mother!”

“That’s his mother?”

“The mother of the eggs, stupid!” Kory hisses at Tuun.

“What’s an egg again?”

Rojic has seen through the danger, and flies right up to the dragon.

“No wait, Rojic, No!”

A few seconds later and Rojic flutters into the danger zone, up to the head of the dragon and up to the eye of the beast. Grinning, he looks back at the others, who are holding their breaths in fear. Rojic chuckles, and flies through the eye-socket of the beast and starts singing again in the cavity of the creature’s skull. Slowly the others realise the situation, and creep forward.

Kory gives a low whistle. “It’s a dragon all right…But only the skeleton of the beast.”

“Here’s why.” Karnov points out. “See? The roof has collapsed. Maybe the mother got too big for the cavern or disturbed some rocks or something.”

“Maybe so, but look at these!”

Rojic flutters over to a number of eggs. “Wow!”

The eggs are in three neat rows, and are over six feet in diameter and two meters tall. They are trying to figure out the sad demise of the mother and contemplate the imminent demise of the metric system when they realise that they’re not going anywhere with the eggs.

“How long is the gestation period of a Krayt dragon’s egg?” Jimmi asks.

“Well judging by the remains of the mother, it must be several months, or maybe years.”

“I can only assume that they are cold-blooded or at least, don’t need incubating.”

“Either way, we’re not getting them out of here in a speeder, even if it could carry more than one at a time, -which I somehow doubt.”

“Solutions, people?” Kory asks, taking charge.

“Um….”

There is a sniff from Rojic.

“What’s up?”

“All this wealth tied up in the eggs and I can’t even begin to lift one out of here!”

Jimmi sums up. “What you’re saying is that your avarice is counterbalanced by your feebleness!”

“Yes! It’s so unfair!”

“Best way, I think. Just imagine if you had the strength of a Mantellian Savrik!”

The best plan they can come up with is to send Kory and Joe-90 back to Storm Cutter and signal the Republic to send an extraction squad. The others wait and guard the eggs. A while later, and despite Kory’s most persuasive arguments, and a rather daringly-cut jumpsuit, the Republic commanders downplay the importance of the mission. “There’s a war on, Miss. We can’t spare an extraction team for a load of old eggs. Best find a way to remove them yourself. The Republic has far more important things to worry about. -And in future please refrain from troubling us with such trivia.”

Kory isn’t taking no for an answer. “But Chancellor Palpatine has a personal interest in this….It would be unfortunate if your garrison had implied that I had to boil the eggs…..”

The official changes his tune in an instant. “Why didn’t you say so before? A shuttle and an extraction crew are on their way, stat!”

Frightfully hungry....I fancy an egg!

Kory shuts of the communicator. She turns to Joe-90. “See? I mention boiled eggs, and a whole load of soldiers turn up!”

“Indeed, Miss Kory. It would appear that most of your life involves displaying some chest, snapping your fingers and hoping a load of soldiers arrive!”

The crew’s fear of reprisals from Shmeeke is unfounded. A few hours later, a Republic shuttle arrives with a technical crew. They have brought a light freighter with them. The men make a hole in the cavern roof, and winch the eggs to a hover sled. From there they are packed into the hold of their shuttle. Once loading is underway, they bid their farewells and prepare to depart. Another ship arrives.

The others coo at the sleek lines and aesthetic beauty of the ship. Karnov describes it for Jimmi. “It’s a ship, a ‘CloakShape.’ -It’s the shape of a…..Um….A piece of cloth with a hood but no arm-holes, and no sleeves…..”

“A cloak?”

“I suppose so.”

“So it’s autological?” Jimmi asks.

“If you say so,” Karnov continues, not really understanding. “They’ve been serving the Republic dutifully for some time. This one’s white, with red trim….-And it’s a real beauty!”

Rojic is dismissive. “Pfft! It’s a piece of junk! These old ships have been around for centuries. They’re almost infinitely modifiable. I doubt that there’s even one standard one left in the galaxy! I wouldn’t give it the time of day, or the wind beneath my wings. -It doesn’t even have a proper hyperdrive! How crude!”

“Are we talking about this ship, or referring to Storm Cutter?” Jimmi asks.

“She maybe old, but Storm Cutter has class.” Rojic says, in a rare moment of pride.

“It has while you’re absent. Somehow when you’re aboard, the class level drops through the floor!”

“I’m glad you like my ship.” Says Niall, walking over and joining them.

“Your ship!”

“Yep…..Well, technically, no. It belongs to Mistress Luce. It’s on loan. She handles like a dream, is smooth in tight turns, and prone to turbulence over rough terrain. -She flies nice though, especially over fifty-three-hundred feet.”

“Are we still talking about the ship, or Mistress Luce??”

Rojic starts flying at full speed toward the CloakShape.

“Where are you off to?”

“Just making a few adjustments…..”

“Such as?”

“Rerouting the thrust to the bottom of the seat, cutting through the seat-belt and overriding the turret interlocks.”

“Why?”

“Because it belongs to her!”

Niall says, “I expect it’s only on loan to her anyway. Jedi are actually notorious for getting through ships at an alarming rate. – Master Kenobi and Anakin practically crash one every week.”

“No wonder the Republic’s got no army…. They spent all the money on ship insurance!”

They restrain Rojic. Only when Niall threatens to clip his wings and tape over his mouth does he calm down enough. Niall sends the CloakShape back to its hyperdrive ring on automatic pilot, and settles down into the pilot’s seat of Storm Cutter. It takes about an hour and a half to get the seat back in a comfortable position. “Who’s been flying this?”

“Karnov….-And Kory a bit.”

“Blasted women drivers!… I expect that’s why there’s a flower on the dashboard, and a new lavender tea pot-shaped air-freshener on the dashboard!”

Karnov wants to know where Niall has been in the CloakShape. Niall taps his nose. “Top secret service corps business.”

“So there was a toilet that needed cleaning somewhere in an emergency?”

“I can’t confirm or deny that. –That’s what ‘top secret’ means.”

Karnov thinks about this. Still smarting from Niall’s refusal to elaborate he decides to change the subject.

“How about your lightsabre project?”

“Coming along nicely!”

“Really?”

“Yes. I made a lightsabre all by myself.”

Karnov stares at Niall.

Niall comes clean. “Actually I put together one that I had disassembled. -And that took several days. It’s really hard!”

“Have you even got any of the components?”

“I tried to make the belt-ring.” Niall holds up a ring about an inch and a half in diameter.

“I hate to say this, but that’s a Wookiee’s napkin ring.”

“I thought it was a bit organic….”

Rojic sniggers. “I know a really funny joke about a Wookiee and a napkin ring….”

“We don’t want to hear it!”

They head back to Kashyyyk, to spend a few days preparing for their mission, the rendezvous with Knight’s Move. They prepare supplies and Jimmi tries on various disguises. “What do you think of my Neimoidian disguise?”

“Better than your knitted Rodian disguise.”

“True, -it was a bit tight.”

Kory is impressed. “Even your own mother wouldn’t recognise you.”

“She doesn’t anyway. -Unless I speak, or give her a back-rub!”

They contact the Republic, to check on the progress of Rose Wanderer. A Duros captain, named Der Badoo tells them that everything is in place. He is overseeing progress from his own ship, the Tenacity. “We’ll meet with you in due course. We have some equipment for you, -should you need it.”

They rest and recover from their injuries. Kory is keen to go. Rojic is tinkering with the ship and the droids. Niall and Karnov are looking into lightsabre construction.

“It’s really hard, Karnov.” Niall says, after a long and difficult day’s study.

Karnov doesn’t think so. “Actually I think it’s quite easy, but just very time-consuming. You almost have to approach it with the insight and innocence of a child.”

Niall is taken-aback. “But I’m not a child!”

“No, not become a child…. Think like a child!”

“But I’m a full-grown -and might I say ‘semi-muscular’ man!”

“Maybe that’s why you don’t succeed.”

“You’re starting to sound like Mistress Luce!” Niall says crossly.

“Talking of whom…. Where is she?”

“Going back to Couruscant. The council are expecting some big announcement from the senate any time soon. It would appear to have grave implications for the Jedi.” He looks wistful. “In a way I wish I was going with her.”

“You’re sweet on her, right?”

“I wouldn’t go that far…..I like her. She’s a good mentor, if a little infuriating sometimes.”

“I can’t believe I got Master Junn. He’s a complete… How would one say it in Huttese?”

“Karking sadisto d’Frooti-nutt’casso!” Rojic interrupts. “-I actually like him!”

Kory comes over to tell them that it’s time to go. “It’s time to go.” She says.

They power up Storm Cutter and head off into space. Kashyyyk gleams green behind them and then it’s star-tunnel time. Some hours later, they’re at the place and Rose Wanderer is nowhere to be seen. “Where is she?”

“I think you’re forgetting Rojic’s tweaks to the hyperdrive…. We always arrive a few minutes early.”

Sure enough, a few minutes later Rose Wanderer comes into view. It seems strange to see a ship appear out of hyperspace using the hyperdrive backup….

A moment later, a Venator-class destroyer appears.

They are hailed. Soon Storm Cutter and Rose Wanderer are dropping slowly into the large hanger in the mid-dorsal section. There is a small delegation to meet them. There is an attractive-looking Twi’lek woman and a stern looking Duros in a captain’s uniform.

“Beauty and the beast.” Niall whispers to Kory.

“Yeah, but which is which?” Jimmi whispers back.

Captain Der Badoo introduces himself. He is a Duros, with large, friendly –if unblinking- eyes. His tech crews start to work on both ships. “My armoury and supply store is at your disposal.” Der Badoo tells them. Rojic is keen to take a tour of the ship. He’s never seen such a big ship close up. Der Badoo looks worried. “It’s alright,” Jimmi says, soothing the way. “Rojic’s light fingers are counterbalanced by his light payload. He couldn’t steal much more than a ship’s biscuit.”

Der Badoo concedes. “Besides I don’t have the men to guard him. I’ll have to take the Toydarian on trust.”

Rojic beams at him. “Is this the face of a petty thief?”

“No. It’s the face of a hardened criminal. –Now I’m helping you because I’m ordered to. I’m filling your ship with supplies. Look on it as a kindness. -And be back in one hour!”

A team of techs jabber away at the remaining crew as they prepare a list of all the things they can think of. A Sullustan asks, “Mwll- w- llu-llub-wllull-lala-lubba-lab?”

“Er…. Full of eels you say?”

Joe-90 translates. “En kappal muzhuvadhum meengal.”

“Eh?”

“Sorry, I think he’s trying to say ‘Han!’”

“I’ll reprogram that vocabulator with an angle grinder in a minute!”

“Okay sir. No need to get cross. He’s asking if there’s anything he and his team can do for Storm Cutter while we’re gone.”

“Aha! We’ve got a list somewhere…..Rojic!”

Rojic reappears a moment later.

“You should see the size of this ship! -And to cap it all, it’s virtually deserted!”

“There’s a war on. Kuat drive yards are churning out all this ordinance, without anyone to crew it.”

Der Badoo hands over to the female officer. “Lieutenant Oona will take it from here. I apologise for my brevity, but with a skeleton crew, there are always six things to do at once!”

“I’m sure Kory had a boyfriend like that once.” Rojic says, but no one is listening to him.

Oona.

Niall introduces himself. Jimmi shakes the woman's hand. “Oona, eh? You aren't related to a certain Ithorian ecologist, called Oomoog Om are you?”

“No.”

“Oh!”

Karnov: “Rojic! Get out of there, it might be dangerous!”

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NEXT THRILLING EPISODE: A Miss Marple-style mystery , -when she was very young of course!

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Footnotes:

Thanks to guest writer and director Dave Weaver.