"Dance dans la Forêt."

By: Anthony Hummerston.

STARRING

'Mama',   Rojic,   Jimmi,   Karnov,   Niall,   Kory,  
And introducing:
Joe-90 Hen3ry and 'Lucky.' and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.

AND
Storm Cutter
their ship.

“So let me get this right.” Rojic says, “We’re the guests of honour at a banquet provided for a load of oversized, under-stuffed teddy bears, that can’t even talk basic properly.”

“Well I wouldn’t let them hear you say that, Rojic. They might get offended.”

“But no-one objects to offending me! I think I might take ear-plugs to this meal.”

“I think that a gag might be more appropriate.”

Rojic objects. “I don’t have much of a head to tie it around….”

“I think I know how to tie it. The little rabbit goes around the tree….”

Rojic stops Niall. “Hey! No noose is good noose….I mean, news!”

Niall is trying to think of something. “I know a Wookiee joke….”

“Oh yeah?”

“It goes like this: Mggraa..h’raa, G’rRRrr,Mara’Hn-H-n,Graa,ha RrrR-MgRrr-N-RR-Gr-Rawgr-H’n!”

Joe-90 starts laughing. “That’s very funny, Sir!” The others don’t get it. Niall apologises. “It must be my accent. I can speak Shyriiwook, but I’m out of practice…. -And Tixylix, for that matter.”

Rojic is not convinced. “No point learning their language, I bet they’ve got a dozen words just for ‘wood.’”

“Over a hundred words for wood and at least a dozen for violence.”

“Ignorant savages!” Rojic counters.

Kory comes in. “I expect after they’ve met you, they’ll have an extra word for violence, Rojic!”

Jimmi makes a suggestion. “I think it might be a good idea to take along Joe-90. I trust our hosts, but I don’t want to miss out on all that Wookiee humour and culture. That old RA-7 gives me the wiggins!”

Rojic says, “RA-7’s are notoriously unhelpful, short tempered and there is a rumour that they’re programmed to spy on people.”

Kory isn’t so sure. “Oh that’s just paranoia! There are no droids out to get you. -Not specifically that is, -though several thousands of B1 Battle droids would most likely shoot you in the head while you slept.”

Jimmi says cryptically, “It probably wouldn’t even matter if you had cheese or not!”^{[ 60 ]}

Rojic goes to fetch Joe-90. He screws on his head, and once this is warming up, goes to fetch a hydrospanner to re-attach his legs.

Joe-90 is feeling revitalised. “Joe-90 online.” He says. “Though I still need to get through the mind block…..”

“You’ll be alright after your treatment.”

“I’ve had no treatment!”

“Would you like a treatment?” Niall says in a soothing voice.

Rojic runs a quick diagnostic. “It sounds like someone’s been messing with your operating system.”

“How so, sir?”

“You haven’t threatened to kill me yet!”

Niall wanders in. “Maybe his primary program is cor…..”

“Don’t say that word!” Rojic snaps.

Niall doesn’t. “Okay….. The ‘C’ word!”

Rojic is disappointed to hear that there is a mind block in Joe-90’s memory bank. “I was hoping for some nice juicy details that would form a part of a nice profitable blackmail operation.”

Kory says, “I hate blackmail. It’s such a dirty word.”

Karnov agrees. “Yes. Me too.” He shivers. “Ever since I was a child, and the nice Jedi man said ‘Now my young Padawan, don’t tell your parents about this…’”

Kory and Niall both shiver at the thought.

“Still, he paid the price in the end.” Karnov says, smiling a forlorn little smile.

“What happened?” Kory asks.

“He got sent to Naboo to settle a trade dispute.”

“That’s not so bad. The Naboo are a peaceful, resourceful, academic and charismatic people.”

“He got the Gungans.”

“Oh well, that serves him right!”

Joe-90 looks blankly at Rojic. “Sir?”

“I’m installing a new personality chip…..There!”

Rojic’s eyes bulge. His tongue licks nervous lips. His breath comes in a rasp.

“Okay… Seems to be working…. Can. You. Let. Go. Of. My. Neck....Please?”

“Certainly sir.”

Rojic breathes again. “Whew, that was close! Time to turn up the prejudice chip all the way up.”

“To eleven, I hope, Sir.”

“No I’m leaving it here on four.”

“FOUR!” Joe-90 screams. “I’m going up to four! That’s even more than eleven!”

Rojic flaps a little and takes a look at his handiwork. “Perfect!”

“Sir?”

“I’m a modern Prometheus!”

“Just beware of eagles, sir.”

Rojic looks at his creation. “Now this is going to be your first day on a strange new planet, so wrap up snug and warm, and no playing with any brutish shag-pile natives!”

“Of course, sir.” Joe-90 pauses. “Might I remind you sir, that Mister Niall warned you against blatant racism, on the pain of having your wings removed by the natives.”

“Pfft! They’re but pussycats! I can handle these furry dullards!”

Kory comes in to check whether they are ready. “Rojic. The Wookiees are like the Hutts. Friendly enough but quick to anger. So be on your best behaviour. Please. For me?”

“Okay, but only because you asked so nicely.” Rojic says. Kory beams at him.

Rojic goes on, “-And I’m more frightened of you than I am of them!”

Kory looks over at Joe-90. In a whisper, she asks Rojic. “Is he normal?”

“He’s looking for a big weapon, so yes, I’m thinking so.”

Kory goes over to make sure. At the base of Joe-90’s neck she sees two buttons.

“Hold steady, Joe….” She says, and switches the switch and pushes the button.

“What did you do?” Rojic asks.

“I engaged the psycho switch and pushed in the turbo button.”

Joe-90 turns around with a murderous glint in his robot eyes. “Kill all Toydarians! Kill them all!”

Kory and Rojic high-five. “Working within all normal parameters!”

Niall and Jimmi come to find them. Kory has to ask. “Jimmi, what are you wearing?”

“My best clothes. After all, this is a dinner party.”

“Let’s hope that the Wookiees eyes respond to different parts of the colour spectrum.”

“Why is that?”

“Let’s just say that your choice of clothes resemble the chorus from Joseph’s coat.”

“Let’s pray that the allotted hour is after sundown.” Niall says.

“Actually, technically, the term would be ‘after Kashyyyk down.’ The planet was named after the star.” Jimmi says.

“Thanks mister galactic encyclopaedia.”

Jimmi grins. “So what’s it like out there?”

“Well, it has big trees, in case your eyes don't work anymore.”

“They never did.”

“Touché!”

Rojic can’t help himself. “Welcome to Wookiee-world! –A theme park of tall trees, great wide rolling blue oceans, and plenty of arboreal wildlife to shoot.”

Niall beckons to Rojic. “Come here. Good. Now hover there, while I paint some camouflage on your back. You wouldn’t want to be spotted out there….”

Jimmi says. “Even without eyes, I can see that Niall is painting a roundel on your back.”

“Aw…You spoiled my game!”

Kory says. “I think you should score more than ten for a bulls-eye.”

“It’s not about the score. -It’s about the satisfaction of taking part, Kory.”

Karnov comes in. “I think we’re ready.”

The others all turn in his direction. They screw up their faces and hold their noses. “What is that smell?”

“Anchovy sunscreen. -SPF fifteen.”

“You’re supposed to eat it, not smear it on!”

“Well, I’ve got delicate skin. All these hairy Wookiees make me feel itchy!”

Niall taps his pockets idly. “We should take a gift to our hosts….”

Rojic leaps in with a cutting remark. “Why? Surely with a few shiny beads you could buy the entire planet!”

“And what would you do then?”

“Um…..Sell it to the Trandoshans!”

Karnov turns out the pockets of his robes. “I’m a Jedi. Like my father before me. I have no material possessions.”

“If only your father could see you now! -In your hello-kitty robe.”

Niall says. “If only he could smell you. It’s a good thing that I sprayed it with a bottle of Febreeze.”

Niall is thinking. “I suppose we should take some alcoholic beverages.”

Kory thinks she saw some in the secure storage. “Mama must have stashed them there before she left.”

“Never trust a woman who keeps her liquor under lock and key.” Niall says.

“Never trust a woman who flies a spacecraft and drinks is what I say!”

“There’s no penalty for drunk flying.” Niall points out.

Rojic is quick to respond. “The sooner we have an Empire and step on those drunken roaches the better….”

They all fall about laughing. “Pfft! Empire! What a stupid notion!”

Rojic laughs so hard he starts to wheeze.

Kory turns to Niall. “That’s enough, Niall. No force-choking!”

“I wasn’t!”

“Well, don’t!”

“Actually,” Niall says, thinking about it, “If I were to force choke Rojic, he’d end up droning like a set of bagpipes. I’d have to squeeze him and blow down his tusks!”

The others giggle as they visualise this.

“Anyway….” Sighs Karnov. Have we got enough presents?”

Niall counts up. “A bottle of Alderaan brandy, not a vintage year, but there’ll be plenty more of those….A bottle of olive oil….Some Retsina…..And this curious stuff….Green Acolyte. I’ve got no idea what that is.”

“I think it might be an early version of Blue Nun.”

“Oh.”

“Anything else?”

“A bottle of Rotling.”

“I hope that it tastes better than it sounds!”

“Okay. We’re ready. Any questions?”

“Where’s my bottle of bubble bath?”

“Mmmm……Wookiee good. Wookiee foamy!”

Rojic is doing something. “What’s that strange sound?” Jimmi asks.

“I’m polishing my best hydrospanners!”

“You’ll go blind….” Jimmi retorts, ironically.

They meet RA-7 the protocol droid. It clanks forlornly to the banqueting table. They shun the highchairs in favour of comfy cushions. The meal is dedicated by the prince and they proceed to eat and drink. The plates are the size of the deflector dish atop Storm Cutter, the knives are at least wakizashi size. They sip their drinks. The Tusken, who has been strangely quiet up until now sips his drink with a straw and looks uncomfortable. Kory smiles sweetly at their host, and downs her drink in one.

“Careful Kory, the drink is rather strong.” Rojic warns.

“I’ve only had one!”

“But the cups are like Trogan metres. -That is to say, twenty-five percent bigger.”

“I can handle my drink!” Kory is defensive.

After the initial toasts, it’s time for the gifts to be exchanged, and for the feast to begin. There is also an opportunity for the guests to entertain the hosts. Niall politely declines, as he claims, “I’m basically a one-trick Nerf.”

The others take up the challenge. Jimmi starts singing, and Rojic entertains everyone with tales of derring-do and managing to avoid flying into a strangely attractive blue light that is suspended in the trees above the table. They are offered meat that is so rare, that it’s only warm because it’s been freshly killed. There was plums and prunes and cherries, And citron and raisins and cinnamon too. In fact, if it were all combined, it would not be unlike a certain cake.

This gives Jimmi an idea. Singing with great gusto, this inspires Kory to take another flagon of drink, and start singing along. Before they know it, the chorus is being howled by the Wookiees, who are quick on the uptake, and Kory is dancing suggestively upon the table. The Tusken has apologised, and has slunk off. He’s embarrassed at having to eat in public. The others politely discuss his racial traditions, and taboo on revealing his true face. They understand. They also try to glimpse something beneath Kory’s skirt. As the dance progresses they come tantalisingly close, they are ultimately unlucky.

“Besides,” Says Rojic, sotto voce, “There’s enough hairy rugs around the table, without seeing another on the table.”

Joe-90 is relaying translations, though for the most part, the Wookiees understand enough basic to get by. Joe stops after a while, and tries the drink.

“What ever is in this concoction, sir?” He asks Rojic.

“Turpentine, octane and liquid nitrogen.”

“That combination will impair my motor functions, sir.”

“That’s why I brewed it up. To observe a homicidal protocol droid ‘all-likkered-up’ without access to a firearm is going to be a riot!”

“Okay sir, here goes…..”

“Fill her up with four-star I say!” Rojic whoops.

Joe-90 takes a sip, and says a word that needs four stars to censor it.

Jimmi hears Joe-90 and tactfully says in a loud voice, “Fizzy!”

Niall is trying to be polite to the Wookiees. “Nice!” He says, nodding at the hunk of meat on his plate. He tries to chew. About ten minutes later it is finally tenderised enough to swallow. “What is this, raw Kath Hound?”

When the Wookiees tell him, Joe-90 is temporarily off-line. He hopes it is Kath hound, and manfully tries another bite. The Prince would like him to regale the party with tales of their exciting adventures. Niall is a little sheepish. “Actually there’s plenty to tell, but I leave it to my interpreter….” He looks over at Joe-90 who is discreetly coughing up a bunch of oily cogs into his hand…. “But he’s not so good at making them interesting, really….” Niall looks rather embarrassed. He redeems himself by taking another large chunk of meat, and manages to bark and grunt a few words to the Wookiees. “Grr’uff Rg—r’glr-rr-fgrr-f-R’r’R-shr—ff’th!” ^{[ 61 ]}

The Wookiees bark appreciatively. They warm to Niall, and he does to them. Rojic is laughing at everything the Wookiees say. He attempts to speak to them in their own language. “R-R-R….Karnov. R-R-R Rojic….Er…. Don’t rip my arms off…Rip his off….Ha! Ha Ha!”

The Prince looks at his protocol droid. The droid shrugs. “I dunno!” it says in about five different languages. “Must be a peculiar Toydarain dialect. -They are quite primitive after all.”

Jimmi starts another song. Kory has sunk another glass of drink. Joe-90 manages to drink a glass of soothing oil, and translate Jimmi’s song at the same time. “Look! I’m multi-tasking!” He says.

Kory squeals in delight at the song. It’s an old gypsy space-shanty. “I know this tune… Anyone care to join me in a table-top tap dance.”

Niall apologises to the Wookiees. “The only reason she’s table dancing is because we haven’t got a pole.”

“Besides, you polka with a pole, and tango with a table!” Jimmi manages to say between choruses.

The Prince and his court are amused by Kory’s dancing. It is very good dancing. It is quite suggestive dancing. However, they are more concerned about her being on top of the table. It’s a bit disrespectful. They make some grunting noises in their throats, and gradually the other diners understand that the table top is for eating and not gyrating. They definitely draw the line at masticating.

Niall and Karnov try to steer Kory back to the far end and back into her seat. She is having far too good a time to let this happen. They make several grabs for her, but she flounces away and starts another dance.

“What is up with her?” Rojic wants to know.

“I think the glasses are several sizes bigger than she’s used to. Either that, or she put on the wrong lipstick, and licked her lips before dinner.”

Joe-90 wants to be excused. “No.” Niall says, “It’d be rude.”

“But sir. I’m nearly out of memory. I’ve been filming in high-def for several minutes. I’m sure master Kory would like a record of her erotic dance.”

“It’s mistress Kory, and she won’t want to see her dance. – But I would like a copy, and if you can get a signal out here, I’m sure several millions would like to see it too, when I upload it to X-Tube.^{[ 62 ]}

“I think that ‘X’ is right!”

Niall says, “Please tell me you got that!”

“Affirmative, sir. In high definition.”

Niall and Rojic high-five.

Slurring slightly from the drink, Rojic and Niall are discussing Kory’s exotic dance. “I like it when she dances. -And talks. It’s a whole…. Walking talking thing. I think that Jo-90’s got it all recorded in the buff….Er….In the buffer.”

“Did you say muff?” Rojic asks.

“It’s grand.”

“-And talking. A grand muff talking!”

Niall slurs, “Rojic, you’re my best friend, -and I love you.”

“I love you too, Niall. -Can you lend me twenty credits?”

Karnov is keeping a sober head. “Kory!” He hisses at her gyrating form. “It might be better if you tone it down a bit!” Kory ignores him.

Joe-90 tries. “And stop ruffling beards and rubbing their heads. They’re taking offence.”

Kory is having none of it. “Pfft! They love it! In fact, I might just take all my clothes off….”

Niall sobers up. “Stay off the table, Kory.” He waves his hand to one side as he calls on the force. Kory is too wrapped up in her dance to notice.

She blows him a kiss. She keeps dancing. Karnov leans over to Niall. “Should I trip her up?”

“You’d have to catch her first….”

“I could use the force.”

Niall shakes his head. “Use the force for knowledge and defence, never attack.”

“Point taken.”

The Wookiees are looking a bit cross. Niall is getting frustrated. He indicates to Joe-90 to grab Kory as she comes shimmying past. “That’s enough dancing. I think they’ve got the idea, Joe’s buffer is full, and I think it’s time to lie down with a cold compress.”

They lead Kory to the end of the table. A stumble-trip-fall-catch scene later and Rojic is seen leading her back to Storm Cutter.

Once aboard, he leads her to her cabin. He shades his eyes as he leads her to her bunk. A few moments later and she is cuddling a fat pillow, and Rojic is free from her grasp. He flutters for a minute, and then takes a small trinket from his pocket. He places it on the table beside the bed.

Back at the table, Niall is speculating. “I wonder if…”

“What?”

“If…. Rojic and Kory….”

“No. They might be thick-as-thieves but….”

“You’re right of course. Incompatible species….Besides, Rojic would never lower himself…. No profit in it see?”

Rojic considers leaving a couple of morning-after pills in Kory’s cabin too.

“Even I wouldn’t stoop so low…..” He says to himself. He looks in the medicine cabinet for some antacid tablets. Now humming to himself and keeping the beat with his wings, he starts singing a throaty song. “I know a girl called Elsa, she's into Alka-Seltzer…”

On finding the cupboard bare, Rojic takes the next nearest thing. He leaves a couple of Mint Republics ™ on the bedside table along with the jewel. “Plink, plink, what the……! Ooooh! Minty!”

There is a buzzing. It’s not what you think. A neon light on the console of Storm Cutter is blinking. It’s a message! “It won’t be for me….” Rojic grumbles. “It’ll be Jedi business.” All the same, he decides to play the message.

“Greetings, valued customer. I’m pleased to tell you that you’ve won an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime holiday to Barab-1…..” Rojic deletes this message.

“Thank you for your purchase from Marañón. Your ball gag and spanking paddle will be with you shortly. Other customers who bought these items also bought…..” He deletes this message.

“This is Catt Farn of the Jedi Service corps. We have a package for Padawan Karlov….” Rojic is suddenly interested. It sounds as though it might be from Master Junn. He toys with the idea of deleting this message too, but there is no Joe-90 on his shoulder encouraging his mischief. He lets it stand.

Meanwhile, (in Cortina d'Ampezzo) the others are apologising for Kory’s behavior, and steering the conversation away from it, and toward the stars. There is a particularly fine display of meteors tonight. One even loops around and jinks erratically before diving planet ward, and pulling up sharply.

“That’s no meteor, that’s a spaceship!”

Karnov is suddenly excited. “An alien spaceship! A UFO! We are not alone in the universe! Hellooo! Over here!”

“Karnov. We have our own spaceship. We fly from planet to planet. Hell, you’re not even human!”

Karnov thinks about this. He sees the sense in what Niall is saying.

Niall ruins it all by suggesting that the spaceship might be making crop circles.

“On Kashyyyk? That’d be really impressive.” Jimmi says.

After a while Rojic returns. He is very pleased with himself. Joe-90 is rather direct and to the point. “Did you take her back, sir? –And give her something…?”

“I don’t know what you’re implying!”

“Something for the effects of the drink.” Joe-90 elaborates.

“Y’know, sometimes Joe, you’re like a little devil sitting on my shoulder, suggesting I do all manner of unsavoury things.”

“I aim to please, sir.”

Even with Karnov’s enhanced low-light vision, they can’t get a positive identification on the erratic craft. They try Joe-90, but his data buffer is full of Kory’s antics, and they have nothing to back it up with. Eventually they make their excuses and retire back to Storm Cutter. Within minutes, they have the craft on the scanner, and see that it is a one-man flier. The sort that cruise ships might have for space tourists to flit about in.

“Certainly flitting. It’s like a moth around the fridge light!”

“So it’s a one man pleasure vehicle?” Karnov asks.

“You make it sound rather rude.” Jimmi replies.

“Okay. A ship for someone to cruise around in.”

“Still not helping….”

“A ship that you take out for a spin, to better see the sights.”

“Ah yes!”

“– A bit like a space pedalo!” Karnov beams at Jimmi. Jimmi can’t see him doing so, and looks blankly back. “You got it!” Karnov beams again. Under his breath, Jimmi sighs. “I do believe your fish has got it!”

Rojic and Niall work to try to get the craft to respond to remote pilot. After a couple of false starts –such as the vessel’s pilot turning the remote control off- they manage to regain control, and bring the ship in on auto. A few minutes later, it touches down on a platform about a hundred meters below them, and they all rush to the edge of their platform to look. There is a figure inside, trying to get outside. They all find a handy rope and start to climb down. Joe-90 still has Kath Hound fat on his fingers as well as copious amount’s of Rojic’s turtle wax. He finds the trip rather tricky. The more he slides down, the hotter his hands become, and the more slippery the rope becomes. Rojic is first on the scene, but not the first to stride over to the little one-man craft. After some cursing in a language they don’t understand, the pilot steps half out of the cockpit. While stepping out, he manages to step on the ‘close cockpit’ button, and ends up jamming his toes in the canopy. This makes him fall over, and he sprawls at Niall’s feet, howling in pain.

“Ex-squeeze me!” He says in a squeaky voice. Our heroes groan. It’s a Gungan!

“Can we remote the ship back into space?” Niall asks.

“It’s not the Jedi way.” Karnov reminds him.

“It’s the Miralukan way.” Jimmi says. “First contact. -Then throw them back into the ocean!”

The Gungan regains his feet. He looks at our heroes. He looks at the platform and the drop, several hundreds of meters below him. He puts his ears over his eyes. His arms flail about, almost knocking Rojic for six.

“Meesa Amanna d’ Meesa!”

“Are you talking Gungan or Basic?” They ask the Gungan.

“My namesa Amanna d’ Meesa!”

“Oh. Pleased to meet you. I’m Karnov. Padawan Karnov. Of the Jedi order.”

The Gungan looks at him blankly. Karnov gets a funny feeling he’s seen this expression before. – When he looked in the mirror maybe?

The crew get Amanna d’ Meesa to explain in his own words why he is there.

“Weesa maka the trip to the core. For lookie-lookie long holidays. Our cruiser is all over blasting with droidsa and theysa not nice droids. All blasty blasty! Ooh big blasty droidsa they no lookee for messa. They lookee for offsa. Meese tried the tuba-scaypee, but meesa no knowee the passwordso! Boom, Booma mesa falls dwondoo longa waysa.”

They look at him blankly.

“Tuba isa over zerra! Or is it thatsee onesa? Meesa forgetsa. It important nosa?” Still no reaction from the crew. Joe-90 joins them. His head tilts, trying to understand the Gungan’s babbling.

“My speeder it gosa boom! My hotel itsa go boom! My credits theysa go boom! My droid guide itmaybe turndee on me. It gowsa boom too! Boom!”

“How many booms is that?”

“A lot!”

Karnov says, “I know a poem about that!”

“Not now, Karnov. Wait until we’re in space, and near an airlock. There’s a good chap.”

“Okay!”

They determine that d' Meesa’s ship has enough fuel to get back to the cruise liner, if it is still in the system. They fire up Storm Cutter and wake Kory. She stumbles onto the bridge pulling a hello kitty robe around her, looking slightly dishevelled and smelling minty.

“Did I miss something? Something really important? Something you’re not telling me?” She asks.

“In a little while we’ll be helping the Gungan out.”

Kory turns the shade of Bacta and heads for the head.

Deadpan, Jimmi says, “I never heard it called that before!”

Rojic hears illness sounds coming from the head. “Must be morning sickness!” He says with a gleam in his eye.

NEXT EPISODE: "Something old something new, an enemy or two."

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Footnotes:

[ 60 ]   See HERE if you still don't get it.
[ 61 ]   “I haven’t eaten for over twenty episodes. Even if it is raw Kath hound, it tastes good!”
[ 62 ]   The forerunner of You-Tube.