"A Hutt in every Shuttle."


a.k.a. "Hutz Hertz."


Or "An Open and Hutt Case."


Or indeed any other Hutt Pun....

By: Anthony Hummerston.

STARRING:
'Mama',   Rojic,   Jimmi,   Karnov,   Niall,     Kory  
And introducing:
Joe-90 and Hen3ry
as the droids.

AND
Storm Cutter
their ship.

There is a tense moment while the feelings persist, but they soon ebb away. Karnov says. “I thought that Hutts are supposed to have names beginning with ‘J’”

Kory, who has had more dealings with their kind, tells him. “I think it all depends on what clan they belong to. ‘Aurek,’ ‘Besh,’ ‘Dorn’ and the like.”

Karnov is showing his ignorance, by asking. “Don’t they all rhyme with ‘Jabba?’”

“That’d make the Aurek Clan leader ‘Abba the Hutt!’”

“Thank you for taking a chance on money, money, money, -Mama mia!” Niall adds.

“Super clone trooper!” Jimmi says, rather prophetically.

“What’s a clone trooper?”

“Dunno. Just a vision of the future thing. -It goes away if I bang my head several times.”

“That’s how Karnov counts!”

Interrupting their banter, Tingear looks around. He looks Karnov up and down. “-And what was that? Some kind of Jedi weapon?”

Karnov acts all innocent. “No. Not at all. Jedi? I think he went that way!”

Tingear sees right through him. “You’re no Jedi!”

“I am!”

“What’s the square root of eight hundred and twenty nine then?”

“Er….Um….About….Er… One, carry the three….The Kushiban hops out of the hole ... Goes around the tree....”

Kory nudges Niall. “He’s doing that future vision thing again!”

Just then, they hear footsteps and a senior officer approaches. “Hutts are being attacked all over the city! Best get someplace safe. –And fast!”

Tingear asks. “Who’s attacking?”

“We suspect that it’s some renegade dissident group, who are rebelling.”

“What are they rebelling against?”

“What have you got?”

“Er….Two pork pies and a strawberry yoghurt?”

Jimmi says. “I have an answer!”

“And?”

“Twenty eight point eight!”

“How do you know that?”

“I used the force!”

“Funny. I use the force to grow rhubarb.”

Tingear says. “Forced rhubarb won’t work on me, boy!”

Karnov rubs his rumbling tummy. “I’m hungry. Fish fingers and rhubarb anyone?”

The others merely mumble almost voicelessly. “Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb!”

Back on the subject, Rojic tells them about Hutt politics. “They’re probably protesting against the political system: One Hutt, one vote.”

“Sounds fair.”

“– Unless you’re not a Hutt.”

“So if you’re in Hutt space, and you’re not a Hutt, you can’t vote.”

“Unless you want to vote for senator Palpatine.”

There is a chorus of “Nice man, very nice man.” –As usual.

Rojic flies up and scouts around. He can spy several groups of civilians with guns and anti Hutt placards. He reports back to the others, who are preparing to make a move.

“We could offer the sanctuary of our ship.” Niall offers. Kory jabs him in the ribs. He continues. “Oh readily exalted, most wise, generously mountainous and illustrious Hutt.” He grins and then adds. “Sir?”

In a whisper, Jimmi asks Kory. “Did Niall say ‘ready salted’ or did my eyes deceive me?”

Tingear asks. “Is it safe?”

“So long as you don’t want to fly anywhere!”

Niall grins. “I think that’s how you talk to Hutts. Especially if you’re truly a totally thorough toady from Toydaria.”

“That’s easy for you to say!”

“Yes it is!”

There being no better plan for the moment, Jimmi and Tetha go ahead to scout out the street. Rojic hovers above them, and the others form a tight group around Tingear. They make steady progress without incident, until they are within a few hundred yards of Storm Cutter.

Tingear shifts his position, and half closes his monstrous and cat-like orange eyes. “Hole up in that thing? I’d rather take my chances with the bloodthirsty mob!”

Under his breath Niall mutters. “You’re my kind of stupid. – Stupid!”

They round a corner. Between them and the ship is an angry mob. Well, actually three angry people. Still, they are armed. Jimmi and Tetha are almost level with them, when they yell. “Where are you going with THAT?”

Rojic flies casually over the top of the protesters. He’s got the blipper for Storm Cutter in one hand. Jimmi’s mind screams a warning to Karnov. “Ambush!”

Karnov interprets this as ‘immediate, positive, and offensive action.’ Jimmi shoves Tetha into a doorway and draws a blaster. Shots ring out toward Jimmi and Niall, but both miss. Niall and Karnov return fire, and shoot a Chagrian. Niall whoops. “Good shot!”

Kory dives beneath Tingear’s repulsor sled and shoots, but misses. Rojic has a shot at one of the protesters, hitting him right in the back. Niall snatches his shot, and misses, the blaster bolt pings harmlessly into the hull of Storm Cutter. “Wrong scale!” he mouths to himself. Karnov blasts his opponent again, another good hit! Kory hasn’t got a proper target and her shot goes wide. The Chagrian falls over, his life force spent. The other two reatreat behind some packing crates. Niall yells to set for stun. More shots ring out from Tingear’s guards, and the antagonists back off a little. Rojic blips the blipper, and the sentry gun pops out from under Storm Cutter. Within a second, it swivels around menacingly and takes careful aim. Then it spins up and coughs two carefully placed shots toward our antagonists. The super-heated plasma bolts streak through the air at high velocity, and impact on the surface of a loading crate and a deck swing arm. – Two misses!

Rojic says something in Huttese that is unrepeatable. ^{[ 33 ]}

Niall calls out. “You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

“Sure I do. She’s the one that taught me all those naughty words!”

“Maybe you should wash out your mouth with soap and water!”

“I already do. I’m not using a witchetty shrimp thing to clean my lovely tusks!”^{[ 34 ]}

The antagonists are blasted again. They see that one of their number has been downed, and make a run for it. Hot blaster bolts follow them to the nearest cover, stunning one, while the other sprints for his life.

Rojic is the first on the scene. He starts administering first aid to the badly injured Chagrian lying on the ground. “Here, let me take the weight of that wallet off your poor heart.” Rojic says. The others approach. “For medical insurance purposes!” He tells them quickly. Jimmi looks at the fallen protester. “He’s going to need a spell in hospital soon.”

Kory can’t help herself. “Yeah, Bacta the future!”

In the following silence, the tumbleweed puts in another appearance, spins a quick spin and dances along. Then a shot rings out from the sentry gun, obliterating it.

The others are shocked at Rojic. “I’m helping him, really!” He protests.

Niall assists with the helping. “Nice coat!” He holds it up. “Pity there’s two neat holes in it!”

“Nice shootin’, tex!”

Sensing danger, they get Tingear aboard Storm Cutter. There really isn’t much more room in the hold when he is aboard. They offer him some of Mama’s Jawa Coffee. ^{[ 35 ]}It’s so hot and strong that it could dissolve various amphibians. Tingear drops a live turtle in it and all is well.

“Where did you get that enormous cup?”

Rojic says. “It’s actually the Bacta tank.”

“Where’s all the Bacta?”

“I drank it.”

Kory says. “You drank it?” There is a pause as this sinks in. Then she repeats. “You drank it?”

“Yeah, and I’ll be needing the tank back in a few minutes, so he’d better hurry up with his coffee.”

“I can’t believe you drank a thousand litres of Bacta!”

Jimmi says. “Sure it’ll clean you out, -but it’ll leave you with a hollow feeling inside.” Then adds “ –As well as bright green pee!”

“Surely that’s pea-green green-pee?”

Karnov asks. “What’s wrong with green pee?”

They all think about this for a moment.

Finally Niall voices what they’ve all been thinking. “That’s the last time I go on a beach holiday on Mon Calamari!”

Jimmi is looking a little saddened. “Do you realise that we might have negotiated our way through those protesters?”

Karnov says. “The Chagrian was shot in the back. –Twice!”

Niall can’t help himself. “That’s my kind of negotiation!”

Kory says. “True, we could have used politics, diplomacy, and streetwise.”

Niall hefts his blaster. “This little baby does all three!”

Rojic adds. “I’m an abject coward, me. There’s a yellow streak as wide as a Dewback all up my spine. – And I’m proud of it!”

“Question is: What do we do now? Can we get Tingear back home safely?”

“Where does he live exactly?”

They ask him. He tells them that he lives in town. “I have a small palace.”

“Is that some kind of euphemism?”

Tingear laughs at Karnov, and then insults him back. “Ho. Ho. Ho. Monno Calmaroo pee-gree!”

Karnov can’t speak Huttese. It’s probably for the best. He’s still learning Basic after all. He turns on the media feeds. They're all tuned in to programmes about Cerean customs. – Not customs and excise, but customs regarding having more than one wife, and their wifely duties. “I see that Hen3ry has been at the history channel again. Naughty droid! You’ll go blind!”

Jimmi yells. “I heard that!”

Tetha says. “-And me! –Which reminds me that I need to go home soon too. My husband will be getting worried.” Jimmi comes to her aid with a soothing massage.

“Now he’ll be really worried!”

Karnov says. “I wonder how the Hutts reproduce….”

Rojic tells him. “It’s like two enormous bodies pressed together.”

Niall quips. “Just like Kory manoeuvring into a tight tee-shirt in the morning. –Can you imagine it?” There are a few minutes time-out while they do just that.

The news feeds show that the protesters number around two hundred. Several Hutts have been killed or are missing. Many protestors have been arrested and detained. The dissidents are protesting about the games and how they are brutal, depraved and uncivilised. This starts Karnov thinking that maybe he’s backing the wrong side.

Jimmi is offering help to Tingear, by applying several medpacks. Rojic is applying several items to the bill. Jimmi massages Tingear’s tail. Niall points out that he’s not hurt in the tail. Seeing the activity, Rojic starts making an itemised bill. [ † ]

Tingear asks. “You wanna wonga fodoo rescoo uh?” “I suppose you want paying for rescuing me?”

“Okeedokee. Meena wonder mountoo Hutt.”“Of course, oh mountainous one!”

“Karking teftoo Toydaroo kung!” “‘@#%&*!’ thieving Toydarian scum!”

“Gooddé boogufu!” “Today bogof!”

“Buya-wanga geta-wanga freeda?” “Buy one get one free?”

“Tagwa!” “Yes!”

Tingear laughs and the ship wobbles.

“Gooddé na Yoka! -Nagooloa da rentchomooky!” Good joke! -Not bad for a spanner monkey!

Kory is keen to interview the Hutt. Seeing as he is in a good mood, she asks if he’s seen or heard of Roake Khan. Tinger replies that he hasn’t, though it is a possibility that other Hutts have had dealings with him. Kory is confident that he’s telling the truth. Tingear says that most business dealings and Hutt council meetings go on at the Grand Palace. Kory and the others offer to take Tingear there, and maybe find out what is going on.

“How are we going to get him there? He’s hardly inconspicuous!”

“That’s easy for you to spell!”

“What about tethering his sled to our speeder?”

“With Karnov driving, we could fly right through a star, or bounce too close to a black hole; that'd end your trip real quick, wouldn't it?”

Rojic points out. “Besides, the speeder won’t fly too fast with that load, and through narrow twisty streets too….I don’t think so.”

“How about modifying the shield generators from those wrecked Droidekas back on K-59?”

“A possibility, but it’d take time.”

“How much time?”

“I don’t know. Kory, could you lend a hand?”

Kory looks over the smashed parts and piles of junk that Rojic has accumulated. “I’d say roughly…. A week maybe?”

“We don’t have a week. I used up an entire catering jar of Jawa coffee just inviting him in!”

“No wonder he’s in a hyperactive mood. That stuff’s strong enough to pull the wings off a Gundark!” ^{[ 36 ]}

“Maybe we should get another jar and enter it in the games!”

Niall is resting his feet on the table. Casually he says. “We could just hire a shuttle.”

“The price’d be prohibitive. A few hours rent’ll be hundreds!”

“Then charge it to his overweight Huttness!”

Rojic’s eyes light up. “Plussa Expoo!” He says to Kory.

Karnov asks. “What does that mean?”

“He said it’s a sound idea, and not too expensive.” Kory tells him.

“Good. Because it sounded like ‘plus expenses!’ to me.”

Kory instructs Karnov. “You forgot to notice Rojic’s eyes. When they gleam like he’s coming into a fortune, it means the opposite – that he’s barely making enough to cover costs.”

“I see! It’s not just what you say, but the non-verbal clues as well.”

“Exactly!”

Niall says “That’s why I watch Twi’lek girls on the vid screen with the sound down late at night!” They all are digesting this when Jimmi says. “Me too!”

Rojic whispers to Kory. “I replaced Jimmi’s vid-screen with a piece of scrap windshield some months ago!”

“Karking teftoo Toydaroo kung!” She says.

“Coming from you, that’s high praise indeed!”

Karnov is listening and thinking. This takes some considerable brainpower. “Praise eh….?” He thinks to himself.

They go back down to Tingear, who is resting. Karnov tells him. “We’re going to hire a shuttle, and transport you to the Grand Palace. There’s no place to land a shuttle in the grounds, but we think we could put down in the gardens.” He then shows off his knowledge of Huttese. “Karking teftoo Toydaroo kung!”

While the ship shakes more with Tingear’s fury at being so insulted, the others take Karnov away somewhere quieter.

Karnov says. “I still think we ought to help the dissident group. We Jedi are all for law, order and justice.”

“We’re in Hutt space. If you’re not a Hutt, all you get is Hutt law, Hutt order and Hutt justice.”

Niall says. “You can even get that overweight dance troupe, Hutt Gossip!”

They all think about this for a moment. The ship shudders some more.

Rojic says. “To be fair, you’ll not resolve this overnight.”

Niall reminds him. “Besides, it’s not our mission!”

Karnov rounds on him. “What is our mission? Your package? I’d like to get my hands on that!”

The others stop shuddering and start sniggering.

Niall tells him to back off. “You keep those fishy fingers off my package!”

Karnov stalks off. “I’m telling the Jedi council on you…..” An idea comes to him. “Actually, why don’t we contact the council and ask their advice?”

After some time, he manages to calm down and contact the council. A Mon Calamari master is on the line. Master Zannar talks with him. Karnov tries to hide his feelings toward the Jedi Master. After some discussion, they agree that a pitiful little rebellion isn’t going to go very far, even with a Padawan on their side.

Meanwhile, Kory is mixing a drink for Tingear. “What’s that you’re making?” Jimmi asks.

“A drink. For our Hutt guest. It’s….”

“Oooh! Don’t tell me!” Jimmi says. “I’ll guess….”

Kory stops what she’s doing. “Okay…”

“A gallon of Vodka, Fresh Grapefruit Juice in an iced highball glass with salt on the rim.”

“Excellent! -And it’s name?”

“Salty dog!”

“How do you know that?”

“I overheard you asking the replicator to make one.”

“We don’t have a replicator!”

Joe-90 says. “Shall I sever ^{[ 37 ]} the drinks now, or expunge the dirty Hutt from the face of the planet?”

Jimmi realises. “So that’s the replicator! I thought it’d gotten a rather violent streak recently!”

Kory thinks. “On second thoughts a salty dog maybe isn’t the best thing to serve his mighty slugness.”

“What about a slim frog?”

“That’s something green, over ice, with vodka. –In a highball glass.”

After a pause they both yell “Karnov!”

Karnov is reluctant to provide a sample. They decide to use Bacta, ice and vodka. “We’ll call it a ‘slimeball!’” They high-five. Then they shut Joe-90 down before he shoots someone.

Tingear is grateful for the drink. “Good! How would you like to work for me? I could make you my head slave girl.”

“No thanks.”

“It comes with a uniform. A gold bikini…”

“I have no intention of wearing a gold bikini.” She shivers involuntarily. “ –Again!”

Niall is trying to find a shuttle to hire. He finds a crusty old Toydarian, who is haggling over the price in accented Huttese. “Whatta you wanna, eh? A shuttle? Day rayta? –Two fifty!”

“I wanna renta it, not buya it!”

“So?”

Niall thinks. “So his mushiness Tingear the Hutt might arrive home safely.”

“Tella that Dewbackky slime thata for hima it’s three hundred!”

Tinger bellows. “What?”

Kory joins Niall. “I’m sure to pass that on to his Huttness. He’s standing right here.”

“Then forgetta I said that!”

“For two fifty- I might just pretend I didn’t hear it.”

“Okay. It’ll be here waiting. Meesa pinga you when it’s ready.”

Tingear tells Niall. “You’d better not be robbing me….”

Rojic counters. “Swindle. -Not robbing. There’s a subtle difference!”

Niall takes it on himself to collect he shuttle. He manages to make the rendezvous without incident, and pilot the shuttle to their docking bay. Then, like a military operation, ^{[ 38 ]} they hustle Tingear and his guards from Storm Cutter and into the shuttle. Outside are a few more protesters, with placards. To the others they say terrible things about the Hutts. To Karnov they read: Arrow fletching; ton weight; square; squiggle; square; fish hook; off button; three lines; fish hook; arrow; broken fish hook. ^{[ 39 ]} to Jimmi it’s as readable as a replacement vid screen.

It’s a short and mercifully uneventful hop to the Grand Palace. There being nowhere to land outside, Niall opts instead to put down on the formal gardens. “Not the formal gardens!” Rojic screams at him from the bowels of the ship. Niall tries to put it down among the carrots and peas. Still not relieved, he lands among the pond and leeks. ^{[ 40 ]}

After all that, there isn’t much of the garden that hasn’t been landed on. Tingear is sad that there’s no longer much of a pond. “My lunch was spawning in there!” Rojic looks at the devastation. “No pumpkins or butternut left either.”

“Nope. He squashed the squashes!”

They exit the shuttle and cross the (not so) comfy lawns.

Jimmi turns back. “That's funny, -the damage doesn't look as bad from out here!”

“But Jimmi, you’re….Oh never mind!”

Tingear leads them from the shuttle into the Grand Palace. It is pretty grand. Rojic is interested in security. There are a few monitors on the outside, and a couple of security types inside. Mainly Trandoshian, Gammorrans, and security droids. Otherwise, it’s pretty lax, even after the events of the day.

Niall and Jimmi can feel a presence. A ripple in the force. Like someone’s just walked over their graves. They nudge Karnov, to see if he’s felt the presence too. “But I don’t have a grave….” He starts to say. The others point out that they could easily get him to stand in the garden while Niall lands again. “Oh! I see what you mean!” Sure enough there is a strong sense of the dark side coming from within the Grand Palace. They keep vigilant, and proceed with caution. Rojic is conducting an impromptu tour of the place, and reading aloud from a guidebook for anyone who cares to listen.

“Surrounded by acres of beautiful squalour, and designed by His Largeness Brown the Hutt the Younger in two-fifty B.B.Y. The magnificent Grand Palace is surrounded by sweeping comfortable lawns, award-winning formal gardens and views of the Colisuem. It offers an unforgettable day out for all Hutts. Aha!”

He looks down. Tingear is introducing the others to Dew’lin the Hutt and his assistant Danoor. Rojic continues.

“The Grand Palace is a unique example of Aqualish baroque architecture. Inside, the scale of the Palace is beautifully balanced by the intricate detail and delicacy of the carvings, the hand painted ceilings and the amazing porcelain collections, tapestries and paintings displayed in each room. Ooh! Fried Gungan! On the first floor ‘The Losers Gallery' brings to life enticing tales from the last three hundred years of violent blood sports!”

Tingear is instructed to entertain the guests in a side room, while Dew’lin concludes his business dealings. Our heroes are ushered into a quiet meeting room, and a sullen looking droid provides food and refreshments. It mainly consists of pieces of amphibian and molluscs in varying states of life, with varying spices.

“I dunno, but there’s Mon Calamari grenouille, escargot à la bourguignonne; l'oeuf à la Quarren; fromage d’Bantha and Bothan truffles. –What a feast!”

“Until you realise that you’re paying premium prices.”

“How’s that then?”

“I’m sure Tingear will deduct it from the money he owes us. -And at twenty five per cent service charge. -They’re damn canny these Hutts!”

“Not swindling! Robbing. -There’s a subtle difference!”

Jimmi asks. “Can someone tell me which condiment is which.”

They look closer. “That’s the pepper and this is the….Er…..Pepper too!”

“I want salt!”

“Shh! You’ll have to do without! The Hutts are touchy about salt. Well actually not ‘touchy,’ more like paranoid. I can’t think why…!”

Some of them can hear bits of a heated discussion going on in a room above. Rojic decides to collaborate with Kory to make an impromptu eavesdropping device. Once it is discreetly tested, and their ears have stopped ringing, he flies out of the top half of a half open window and places the bug on the pane of the window of the room above. They piece together some of the snippets. Some of which sound rather sinister.

“That’s a fifty thousand republic credit request!”

“….Expand your empire….”

“….Money without some guarantee…” There is a pause. Rojic adjusts his bug. They crowd around to listen in to the tiny speaker located in Kory’s ear. Niall is so close he can almost kiss her. “Don’t smear my lipstick!” She hisses at him. “What type is it?” He asks. She tells him. “Nutcracker red!” Niall wants to know if it’s a secret poison formula. “No. No formula. But think about why it’s named that, and what might happen to you if it gets smudged!”

Rojic scowls at them, and they resume their eavesdropping.

“What’s in it for us?”

“I can help you secure new territory. Republic territory.”

“We could seize that already. Not worth the price of a ship.”

“….We’d make no money!”

“No doubt, but you’ll have to sweeten the deal before we have a trade!” At this point the signal goes dead.

The ripples in the force are approaching. Our heroes have but seconds to prepare. Rojic considers diving into the salad, sticking an apple in his mouth and playing dead. The others consider helping him, but not playing and without the salad. Then the door starts to open…..

TO BE CONTINUED...... NEXT EPISODE.

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Footnotes. (Click numbers to return to the story.)

[ 33 ]    Kark! Kark! Kark! - I didn't write unprintable!
[ 34 ]    For fans of Farscape who remember.
[ 35 ]    Java is spelled 'Jawa' in the Indonesian language.

[ † ]    Read the text, then hover over the links to see if your translation is right!

[ 36 ]    A Gundark doesn't actually have wings.
[ 37 ]    "Actually 'serve' but Freudian Typo!
[ 38 ]    Like Napoleon's journey home form Moscow.
[ 39 ]    "Down with the Hutts!"
[ 40 ]    That's actually funnier if you read it aloud.