"Honoghr Connoisseurs."

By: Anthony Hummerston.

STARRING

'Mama',   Rojic,   Jimmi,   Karnov,   Niall,   Kory,  
And introducing:
Joe-90 Hen3ry, Blinkie  and 'Lucky.'
as the droids.

AND
Storm Cutter
their ship.

Our heroes have decided to try to salvage something after the devastating battle on Honoghr. Karnov and Master Junn are keen to rescue any Republic survivors and to put any Trade Federation droids and equipment out of use.

Junn asks Rojic why he’s coming along.

“I’m only interested in salvage for the great god, Mammon.”

Mishearing, Jimmi asks, “Did you say ‘for the god of Mama?’”

Niall interrupts, “Well, I expect that she’d want a cut, considering….”

“Considering what?”

“Considering we’re using her ship for our salvage.”

Rojic is indignant. “Our ship!”

“I think that Storm Cutter is still on loan, -technically speaking.”

“Finder’s keepers, I say.”

Kory says, “As I recall Mama is on a mission to find her long-lost husband. She’s been hunting him down for years.”

Rojic looks quizzical. “You’re point being…?”

“My point is that he probably doesn’t want to be found. You on the other hand, stick out as a king among avaricious Toydarians. -And that’s saying something! Besides, all manner of unsavoury people would eagerly point you out in an instant.”

Rojic swells with pride. “You flatter me with your insults!”

Kory rounds on him. “That’s nothing to what Mama and her family will do to you if she finds out you’ve commandeered her ship.”

Rojic backtracks. “Okay, okay! I’m coming along for the greater good of the Republic. -A stable political system that’ll last for many more millennia.”

Niall swings Sarah-Jane around to point at the flapping Toydarian.

“Aha! We’ve rumbled you!” He snarls. Kory adds, “What have you done with the real Rojic?”

Looking down the barrel of Niall’s big gun, Rojic stammers at Kory. “L-Look, I ain't in this for your Republic, and I'm not in it for you, sweetness. I expect to be well paid. -I'm in it for the money!"

Kory calms down. “Okay. He’s the real Rojic.” There is a pause. Then she adds, “Now, blast him!”

Niall looks at her. “I’d love to, but someone’s got to pilot the ship.”

“Never mind. We’ll do it later. Nothing like a good lynching to give one an appetite!”

The journey to Honoghr only takes a few hours. Karnov is still a little worried about Master Junn’s training process. “I still have a bit of an issue over his rather overzealous muffins.”

“Muffins?”

“Methods! I meant to say methods!”

The others look at him quizzically. “Why the Freudian slip over muffins?”

Karnov looks sheepish. “That’s not an experience I want to relive any time soon!”

Niall is watching the display in the cockpit. He touches the onboard comm.

“We’re coming up fast on Honoghr.”

Rojic starts whizzing around in a panic.

“What’s up, blue?”

“I’m getting my candelabra ready.”

There is a puzzled look. Then realisation dawns. “‘Honoghr’, not ‘Hanukkah!’”

Rojic looks embarrassed. “An easy mistake to make….”

“You seem to make a lot of those, Rojic.”

“No I don’t.”

“Yes you do. Only a week ago, you mistook an item on the scanner for a Republic Venator cruiser.”

“Well it looked like a cruiser.”

“It was a Dairylea cheese wedge.”

“Anyone could make that mistake!”

“No. Only you.”

Rojic is on the defensive. “Well, when Senator Palpatine leads the Republic into a new age of peace and prosperity, then the glorious Toydarian Empire will be waiting in the wings to seize power and take over the galaxy. All we’d need to do is to start a war, and draw off his forces, then we’ll sue for peace and wrest control in a swift coup d'état. We’ll be eating cheese wedges for breakfast!”

“I don’t know where you get your delusions, three-quarter brain.”

“I don’t need to. I’ve read the script!”

Jimmi enters, and interrupts. “Talking of script, where does it say that I’ve to move out of my cabin and make room for more useless junk?”

“Well you’ll just have to slum it for a few hours. If you need a rest, you can bunk up with another crew member.”

Jimmi thinks. Then says, “I’d rather bunk off with someone on the crew.”

Kory raises one of her two slapping hands. Jimmi reconsiders. “Okay, okay… Just moving my mattress off the ceiling…..”

Niall announces that he’s cutting in the sub-light engines, and everyone should brace themselves. The others all consider cramming into Jimmi’s cabin and making use of the mattress on the back wall. Some even consider using Kory's lovely plump pillows. However, before anyone can move, the cockpit streaks become stars and the dampers kick in. There is the slightest smooth swoosh of deceleration (and alliteration) as they approach their destination. Just as the others relax, Niall flicks the artificial gravity on and off rapidly. The others all fall about, but not with laughter. Niall grins until he realises that his little joke has managed to stick a cheese wedge onto the ceiling, right over his head, and just out of reach.

Outside, space is full of greebles. Niall adjusts the shields, and slows Storm Cutter to a steady cruise. The others join him in the cockpit to look out. They are on the edge of a debris field that extends for thousands of kilometres. There was obviously a space battle of some magnitude here recently. Karnov looks down-hearted. “What we need is a Mega Maid to hoover up all this debris.”

Niall announces that he’s scanning for escape pods.

Jimmi suggests that they tractor them into the hold and sell them as slaves.

Kory is against this idea. “No! No slaves. If you could build a tractor beam, and get them past the sofa on the cargo ramp, you’d have to get them past me. -And I morally object to slavery in any form.”

Karnov chips in. “I morally object on this one too.”

Junn nods. “As a master Jedi, I have to agree with squid-face on this.”

Rojic looks at Jimmi. “Maybe later?” He whispers.

“Later.” If Jimmi winked, it wasn’t possible to see.

Niall reminds them that they are here on a mercy mission, to stop looters.

“Actually I think we brought some with us.” Jimmi says.

“Easily solved.” Niall replies.

“How so.”

“Pile some junk in the airlock, and when the looters are attracted to the bait, blow the junk, the loot and the looters out into space.”

“Where did you get an idea like that?”

“I had a problem with a rat once.”

“Pretty drastic way to get rid of a rat.”

“It was a very large and very dangerous rat!”

Jimmi is getting tired of all the bickering. “Okay, that’s enough of all this witty Bantha.”

“Don’t you mean ‘banter’?”

“I know what I mean. Now, we were talking of looters.”

Rojic looks cross. “Looting is such an emotive word….”

Junn says, “I’d only condone looting if it were for essential food and water, when they are not available through any other means.”

“What about other essential items?” Rojic asks.

“Such as?”

“Beer and televisions?”

Junn sighs. “We’re not here to loot, we’re here to help Republic survivors. We might also salvage arms and equipment to stop it falling into enemy hands. Clear?”

Kory thinks. “Master Junn is correct. Though if we can find a café, we can try to contact the resistance.”

Niall grins. “I like the idea of contacting the resistance. We could fund them by locating the fallen Madonna with the big boobies.”

Everyone looks at Kory. She blushes.

“Standing right here!” She says, stalking off.

Jimmi shrugs. “If the cap fits….”

“Somehow, finding correctly fitting headgear is the least of Kory’s worries!”

As Niall polits through the debris, they start to see Trade Federation ships dotted about. They appear to be monitoring space traffic. Niall knows how this works, and warns the others. “As soon as we come within their scanner range, they’ll hail us, and want to know some details. We’d better come up with a decent cover story. -They’ll want to know who we are and what we’re doing here.”

“How about…. ‘I am a locksmith and…..I’m a locksmith?’”

Niall shakes his head. “Somehow I don’t think that’s going to get us through their checks. We need some way of convincing them that we’re on their side, and going about routine business.”

“How about….Using one of our droid heads? We could rig it up so the visuals look right. Then we could run a microphone from one of us through the vocabulator, and we could speak like a droid. -That’d fool ‘em.”

“It’s a plan. Go get a head, and stick it on a pole. Then prop it up in front of the comm..”

“Okay!” Rojic turns to leave.

“Oh, and Rojic, I know we need it to be dumb and stupid and easily manipulated, but Karnov’s head is off limits. A droid’s head. Clear?”

Rojic sighs. “Clear!”

Kory wanders in. Niall turns to her. “We may need your technical skills, and we’ll certainly need your acting skills to bluff the droids. You might as well manipulate the head while it’s talking otherwise they’ll get suspicious. Then I’ll assist by flying at maximum burn, weaving erratically like a droid ship trying to tangle a bit of string.”

“So it’s a case of ‘mime, mime or I’ll help you knot?’”

“Yes! -Though on reflection that gag works better when you say it out loud!”

When they are ready, they enter monitored space. Sure enough, before long, they are hailed by a droid commander. “The Trade Federation are restricting orbit and planetary access. Please state your business, or destination.” It says.

Kory tells the droid they are on a diplomatic mission form Alderran. This does not compute. She tells the droid that they are an avaricious salvage team.

“Salvage is restricted. Only Trade Federation licensed operatives may claim salvage rights.”

Kory says that they understand, and are on a mission to recover some rare elements.

The droid asks, “What is your clearance code?”

“Thirty-six ‘Forn-Forn,’ twenty-five-thirty-seven.”

“That’s not a listed savage code.”

“It’s my vital statistics….Er…. It’s an older code. It checks out. You were about to let us through….” Kory grits her teeth, hoping their ruse will work. Junn tries waving his hand, though it might actaully be clapping his palm to his forehead.

“Okay, good hunting down there.”

Kory nods to Niall, who floors it, fades left, screams through the atmosphere, almost burns off the deflector dish, and puts down on a sixpence in the midst of the debris field.

“Where did you get a sixpence?”

“Out of my Palapatine piggybank!”

Palpatine piggybank. 'Money in safe hands.'

“You mean you could have parked it anywhere?” Jimmi asks, trying to get a recent stain off the mattress.

“Only when it was funny!”

They press the button to extend the ramp and look around. “You could have found a better place to land.”

“What?” Niall is offended, “With skill like mine, you could also parallel park in a six-foot alleyway.”

“That’s easy for you to spell!”

“Easy in basic. But in Huttese, its spelled ‘P.A.R.R.A.L.E.L.L’”

Rojic chips in. “In Toydarain its spelled. ‘P.A.R.A.R.E.L.L.A.L.”

Jimmi tells them, “In Maralukese, it’s not spelled anything like that. -And it’s pronounced ‘alongside another thing.’”

They argue the point about the correct spelling until the ramp opens.

It opens. They troop out. Karnov announces that he’s going to search for any disturbances in the force. –That way they might locate any Jedi or enemy agents that will need their aid, or swift justice. Rojic is more practical. He looks out on the aftermath of battle. “There’s not enough life on this rock to fill a space-heater. There is only one human, and I’m flying right next to them.”

“What about Niall?” Jimmi asks.

Rojic is scathing. “He flatters himself. -I don’t think of him at all!”

Kory changes the subject, and asks, “What about the droids?”

“After what has happened here, I think it best that we leave them aboard. It would appear that the locals might take exception to anything moving and electronic.”

Kory fishes something out of her pocket and disappears into her cabin for a moment. “Just putting my…. Er….‘Toothbrush’ away.” She says.

“And if you believe that, then you’re so gullible that you must still think a fish is a fish.”

“Or a rabbit is a Kushiban!”

They all think about this for a moment, and still can’t figure out if it is a pearl of wisdom, a lucky six-foot animated rabbit or a load of old haddock.

They descend the ramp. The debris lies all around. “A good thing we parked Storm Cutter here. It’s a perfect disguise among all this rubbish.”

Jimmi says, “I always have that trouble. Whenever we put down, I often find myself wandering back to the local scrap yard after a day out. My senses deceive me. I can’t rely on them.”

Niall ignores the comment. “I think we’re gonna need speeders for this. Let’s split up.”

“Yeah, there’s no chance of doing more damage, though maybe we can do a bit of tidying up!”

Karnov and Jimmi are performing a sweep on Rojic’s cousin’s speeder, while Niall Kory and Rojic take the one liberated from Livkin’s gang. They whiz off in separate directions.

Karnov’s speeder veers vaguely northwards, along a ridge and soon they are sifting trough the remains of a battle droid squad. The squad has been badly mangled. “Probably got run over by a tank, or a walker.” Karnov observes.

“Yes, and I think the walker backed up for another pass.”

They find a battle droid still partially intact. With Jimmi’s senses and Karnov’s desire to see the weapons put beyond use, they pry a few bits of metal aside, to reveal a heavy gun mount. “This could become another sentry gun….” Karnov observes.

“The only trouble with fitting more sentry guns on Storm Cutter is that they are rapidly depleting the remaining hard-points. -Those pylons might be better suited to another ship’s gun, missile rack or sensor array. –Even an advanced thruster might be a help. You never know when you might need such a thing.” As he says this, Jimmi senses a glimpse of something in the corner of the force. He sees a thing that can only be heard, and hears a thing that can only be smelled. Turning to see what it was, Jimmi can’t pinpoint the source. Karnov waits patiently to catch another glimpse.

Meanwhile, Kory and her team have also found a droid in semi-working order. This is a super-battle droid. Though its legs are mangled, it is otherwise intact, though face down in the mud. They skirt around it, avoiding weapons bearing range, and analyse it from a safe distance. After some investigation, they realise that it is running on reserve power. They manage to approach, and disable the weapon system. Kory gets out a data pad, and plugs into the droid’s brain matrix. From here, she stars downloading data. Hopefully it will be useful for the Republic in future, maybe even used to analyse battle strategy. They might possibly glean a nugget or two of information that may yet become useful.

By now, Karnov and Jimmi have located a spider droid. It too has some power, but the sensor array is in pieces all around. They take no chances and approach from behind. A few seconds later and Karnov has neatly removed the main gun with his lightsabre. “I’m also going to cut off all the legs.” He tells Jimmi. With this, he lowers the weapon, and makes a quick but decisive trip around the droid. It lurches to one side by the time that Karnov is halfway around, and is nothing but a body when he has finished.

“Just how many legs do these things have?” Jimmi asks.

“Er….four I think. Why?”

“No matter, only I’m sure I heard six distinct sounding ‘thumps’ as its legs hit the floor, and now I’m finding it difficult to stand up….!”

Karnov says nothing, though he does look sheepish. In the end he shrugs, and then shushes Jimmi. “Shh! I heard a cry!”

Jimmi replies, “That was me!”

“No, I heard a cry!”

“I’m telling you that was me.”

“Okay. Here, if it keeps you happy, then have this!”

Jimmi takes a card that Karnov hands him.”

“What’s this, ace of diamonds?”

“No, a triage card.”

“Not much good, I can’t read it.”

“No need, judging by this, you’re beyond any help anyway. -And one is supposed to ignore the shouters; they still have energy enough to make a fuss. It’s almost better to be already dead.”

Jimmi is insulted. “Oi, I’m not dead yet!”

“Well if I follow the rules of triage, and you don’t shut up, then you will be.” Karnov warns. His voice takes on a darker tone. “You will be!”

Kory’s team have spotted an injured Noghri. They zoom over and offer to help. Niall gives some advice. “Only don’t press this one to your bosoms, Kory. The last one died of suffocation…Or was it pleasure?”

Rojic tries to lighten the mood. “There’s slim pickings here. It’s more of a desolate wilderness than an abundance of savage.”

“Yes,” Agrees Niall. “More like ‘starvation gorge’ than ‘scoff-all-you-like-escarpment.’”

They help the injured Noghri to his feet, upon which he starts coughing.

“I…Cough….Cough….Cough…Cough….Cough….Cough….Cough….Cough Cough….Cough….Can’t….Cough….Cough….Cough….Cough….Seem…. Cough….Cough….To…. Cough….Cough….Cough….Cough….Stop…. Cough….Coughing!”

The others look at the Noghri blankly. “Could you repeat that? -Only someone was coughing all the way through your little explanation….”

They get no reply. They reassure their rescued companion. “It’s alright; we’ll have you in the Bacta tank in no time. In fact, we might even fill it with Tixylix.”

Karnov and Jimmi have found some useable armour. As Karnov strips, he yelps in surprise at a sudden discovery. “I’ve found a foot!”

“Organic or droid?”

“Er….Checking……” Karnov moves both his feet. “Er….Droid I think!”

At the sound of his voice, he hears a cry for help. He leads them to the source of the sound.

They find a Bothan, struggling with numerous wounds and a deep gash across his face. The Bothan struggles to stand. They quieten him down, and Jimmi gives him a med-pack. After patching him up, they check his allegiance.

“Who were you fighting for?” Karnov asks, slightly rudely.

“It may have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one….”

“What is your unit?”

“I think they might have all been wiped out. I worked for the Noghri.”

“Worked?”

“I’m a freelancer….”

They think for a second.

“A mercenary?”

“Mercenary is such an emotive word…..”

“Emotive maybe, but accurate.”

The Bothan shifts uneasily. “I suppose that means you’re not going to help me….”

“Actually we did consider it, but the alternatives are rather unsavoury. You’re coming with us….”

As they help the Bothan, they can sense that they are being watched. Jimmi looks into the force, seeing shapes and currents that penetrate the landscape and many places to hide. Sure enough, several rodent-like creatures are spying on them. “Jawas!” Jimmi cries. “Scavengers of the worst kind. Someone needs to step on those roaches!”

Karnov takes the initiative. He lights up his lightsabre, and approaches. The Jawas make a stand for a second before melting away into the gathering gloom. When Karnov is sure that the Jawas are gone, they can hear a high-pitched hum. Soon after, a floating droid approaches from over a ridge. As they watch, it sweeps the area around. The duo can see a funnel-like appendage on the bottom of the droid. They draw their weapons. They take a shot. The droid is hit. It screeches, and beats a hasty retreat.

“Where did it go?”

“Over the hill.”

“And far away?”

“No, just over the hill. Over there.”

Jimmi motions for the Karnov to be quiet. “Shhh!”

“What’s up? You smell something?”

“Shhh! Can you hear it?”

“Only thing I can hear is you going ‘shhhh.’ Again!’”

“I didn’t ‘shhhh,’ I shhh’d.”

Oh shhhhh….ut-up!”

When they have finally stopped telling one another to be quiet, they can make out the distinct sound of blaster shots. “They’re coming from over there!”

They creep up the ridge. As they peer into the dusk, they can make out a square control tower. It was obviously once mobile, as it has large wheels, around two meters tall. “Someone’s in trouble.”

“I only hope it’s not going to be us!”

Karnov and Jimmi creep closer. There are still sounds of sporadic blaster fire. They think they can hear battle droid voices too, though they are not entirely sure. As they approach the vehicle, they can also see the flashes of blasters in the windows of the tower. Karnov estimates the thing to be around forty feet tall. He also has an idea how to get inside. Jimmi says, “We could extend the ramp and get to the bridge.”

“I expect the bridge is on the top floor. Besides, the ramp is up, and flat against the rear of the vehicle. -Much as a drawbridge folds away to prevent entry.”

“So what’s your plan?”

“Simple. I make a new door!”

Karnov heads beneath the belly of the tower. Little does he realise that there were once skirts around the wheels, though they have been stripped, and that there are sentry guns posted here. –Though luckily for our heroes, they have been disabled. Karnov lights the lightsabre and cuts out a neat hole through an inch of heavy armour. Between them, they jump up, and find themselves standing in a storage area, with racks for deploying battle droids, and a power plant -now idle. The shots above them are more sporadic, but are continuing. There is a platform to step on should they wish to change levels. With a glance at Jimmi, Karnov leads the way. The elevator is like a paternoster, though in the galaxy that health and safety forgot, they have but three milliseconds to alight and disembark, or forever go around and around until it makes their noses bleed. Either through luck, or the force, they manage to step on board.

Niall, Rojic and Kory are back at Storm Cutter. Darkness has fallen, -it is wretched. They are watching the flashing light in the distance. “What’s that flashing?”

“We may be losing the deflector shield. –Again!” Rojic goes back inside the ship.

“Maybe it’s some sort of code.” Niall says to Kory.

“What, like a droid databurst?”

“Possibly. Or maybe something even more secret and clandestine.”

“Maybe it’s Morse.”

“Dot. Pause. Dot. Pause. Dot. Pause. Dot. Pause. Dot. What can it mean?”

“I think that a single dot is the letter ‘Esk.’”

“Hmm….Esk. Esk. Esk……What are they trying to say?”

“Eskimo?”

“Hardly likely.”

“Actually, a series of dots is ‘five’”

“Five. Pause. Five. Pause. Five…..Nah, that’s not it.”

“Maybe we’d better investigate. Rojic!”

Rojic appears. “What?”

“We need a scout. It might be dangerous.”

“Well count me out.”

“It might be profitable.”

“Okay. Scouting now!”

Rojic soars up. The other two creep forward about a hundred yards. Along the gulley are a series of lights, like head torches, and there is the unmistakable drone of a droid. The lights form a wedge shape behind the droid. What could it be?

NEXT EPISODE: Salvaged soup is served cold, sir.

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Footnotes:

Not today thankyou!