"Postcards from the Edge of Hull."

By: Anthony Hummerston.

STARRING:

STARRING
'Mama',   Rojic,   Jimmi,   Karnov,   Niall,   Kory,  
And introducing:
Joe-90 and Hen3ry
as the droids.

AND
Storm Cutter
their ship.
And
Co-Starring:
Aima.

They answer the beeper. It’s the Bimmisaari homeworld, boosting an emergency channel and informing them that combat operations are imminent. Taking this as their cue to start mopping up and practicing their new skills, our heroes make themselves at home with the grateful miners, and spend some days training.

Rojic spends his time buzzing around the outside of Storm Cutter, welding and patching and fixing. Several droids are doing the same. Rojic is feeling rather smug at being the leader of a small band of loyal followers. –Though little does he know that the droids are plotting his overthrow even now….

He hovers away from the hull. “You know, finally I can repair it on the outside!”

“What exactly are you repairing?”

“Well, it would appear that Mama used old postcards covered in guar gum to patch up micrometeoroid holes in the hull.”

Kory is sceptical. “They might be a similar size, but I don’t think they’re actually postcards!” Rojic peels one from the edge of the ship’s hull. He flips it over and reads it aloud.

“Well, this one says, ‘Having (not) a lovely time. Weather very hot and sunny. All beach and no sea as far as I can tell. Guards friendly, get me out of here! Lots of love, your Auntie Sue, on Tatooine.’”

“When was that dated?”

“Um… twenty eight B.B.Y.”

“B.B.Y?”

“Before the Battle of Yavin!”

“But Yavin is a desolate, windswept nowhere. In the middle of nowhere. At the corner of ‘no’ and ‘where.’”

“Such a good place for a battle then. – No collateral damage.”

“I still can’t quite figure why our dating system is based on an event in the future.”

Niall scratches his head. “You know I’ve been wondering that for the last twenty years.” A gleam comes into his eye. “ –And the next six too!”

Rojic corrects them. “I might be from a swampy backwater in Hutt space, but even I know that the dating system is ‘ATC’ at the moment. ‘After the Treaty of Coruscant.’”

“What was the date before that? ‘B.T.C.’ – Before the treaty?”

“Well duh! Yes! –Actually, no…Um… Because ‘B.T.C.’ would be before, and you can’t have a date before something in the future.”

“Always in motion the future.”

“Or emotion. Talking of which, where is Jimmi?”

“Jimmi and Aima are currently taming the wild beasts.”

“As in….” Rojic makes a rude gesture with his fingers. Everyone smirks. Even the droids.

“No. As in taming the lizard creatures. They were hoping to go for a ride sometime.”

“I think you’re digging yourself a deeper hole at every sentence there!”

“Yeah. Even I should shut up sometime!”

Karnov agrees.

At that point, Jimmi returns, looking not a little flushed. The others all smile and wink at each other, and make the rude gesture again, hoping that Jimmi won’t ‘see’ it.

“I saw that!” Jimmi says. They are slightly unsure whether Jimmi did or not.

Kory is suddenly in a happy mood. She looks over the patches and repairs on the ship, and has to admit that they are looking good. “Y’know I’m actually getting used to Toydarians.”

Niall punctures her happy balloon. “Yes, lovely. With a rosemary sauce.”

Kory counters. “Oh come on! He can’t be that bad. -After all, he’s not cheating you all the time.”

“That’s what they want you to think! – Just at the time when they’re cheating you the most! These ‘fringers’ are the grubby thumb-stains on the pages of the galaxy!”

Jimmi observes. “Maybe you’re not actually getting used to them, but becoming desensitised.”

Niall changes the subject. “Thanks to a couple of day’s downtime, I’m slowly improving my scouting. I succeeded in three feats yesterday.”

Jimmi says. “You’re a regular Jake the Peg, with your three feets!”

Kory says, “-And I’m improving with my blaster rifle.”

Niall tells her. “That’s just the tool I use for unlocking doors.”

“I know. -But do you have to practice every time I’m taking my morning shower?”

There is a pause while they all have happy memories of this event. – Even the droids stop working to reflect. Breaking their soppy dream-like state, Kory says, “I must admit though, that those battle droid heavy blasters get very hot after several shots.”

“Not so much of a problem for a droid.”

Kory thinks. “Maybe we could add in some extra cooling? A little sideline project, maybe? Rojic?”

Rojic dismisses her. “Sorry, too busy.” Kory looks downhearted. “In the meantime….” Rojic suggests, “You might use your ‘Hello Wookiee’ oven mitt!”

Jimmi asks Rojic. “What are you working on, by the way?”

“Well, I’ve made some progress with Joe-90. I managed to get the brain cable connected to the neck bracing, and the neck bracing connected to the exoskeleton. I attached a leg and the arms, and fired him up for a self-diagnostic test.”

“And?” Jimmi prompts.

“-And progress is good. There are a few things left to do.”

“Such as?”

“Reprogram his brain. It seems to have a rather violent streak.”

“How can you tell? Did it wave a gun in your face?”

“No, it said ‘Hello sir Rojic. How can I help you? Can I k……’”

Jimmi doesn’t wait to hear the rest, and leaves at a run to the engineering bay, and turns the droid on.

“Hello sir……” Joe-90 pauses. Jimmi frowns. “Or madam…… Or miss…. Or master….Or Ms.... How can I help you? Can I kill someone for you?”

Jimmi is about to say ‘Rojic please!’ But decides against it. There is a tone in the droid’s voice that is somewhat unsettling. Joe-90 is turned off rapidly. Then Jimmi makes sure it’s off, then locks the door, puts a chair against the handle, and a wardrobe against it. He closes the cargo bay ramp, pockets the remote and returns to the others.

Karnov is trying to get them back on track. “How long are we going to be here anyhow?”

“A few days…. Maybe a week at most. -Why?”

“No chance of continuing my Jedi training then?”

“What? You mean you’re a Jedi?”

“I hate to have to hide it from you any longer, but yes, I’m a Jedi!”

Rojic chuckles to himself. “Are you actually coming out as a Jedi? That’s actually quite brave of you!”

Karnov rounds on him. “One does not ‘come out’ as a Jedi, it’s a calling one has almost from birth.

“You mean you’re born like it? –Eeew! Weird cookie religion!”

Karnov has the last laugh. “I always knew Toydarians were unaware of the force. -And intelligence too it seems.” In a darker tone Niall adds. “I find your lack of appreciation –disturbing!”

Jimmi tries to get them back on track. “Anyway, how long to get off this dreary, good for nothing, scruffy-looking; no-nerfs-to-heard; back-birth, backwater, dog’s ass of a world ^{[ 25 ]} anyway?”

“I thought you liked it here.”

Aima comes and puts her arm through Jimmi’s at this point. “I like the fauna.” Jimmi continues.

Having heard Jimmi’s insulting words, a miner steps up. “Oi! This is our home!”

“Not your home.” Jimmi reminds him, “It’s where you work. -Remember?”

“Oh yeah. And there’ll be no more work until we get paid, and the transport leaves. Besides, we’re short of supplies, I’m sick of pine-needle soup, and I hate my boss, the droids are plotting against me every day, and it seems that every day is a Monday morning…..And…And…And….”

“So actually you hate it right?”

“Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to say I hate it, but taking off and nuking it from orbit doesn’t sound like going over the top!”

The conversation is getting nowhere. Kory tries to kick-start it for the last time. “Talking of which, what are we to do with the blockade, and the cloud of buzz droids in low orbit?”

“You mean when you came down here you didn’t have a plan for getting away?”

Niall points at Karnov. “He’s the brains, sweetheart!”

Kory rolls her eyes, “Then best shoot me now!”

“I can arrange that!”

There is a moment’s pause as everyone thinks about this. Rojic tries on the Hello Wookiee oven mitt.

Kory continues. “Actually I was hoping that we could upscale the trick that Rojic pulled the other day – Boosting the signal to ionise the atmosphere and knocking out the technology.”

Rojic lets her down gently. “No atmo in orbit, therefore no ionisation. You see… The Holstein-Herring method, -also called the ‘surface integral method’, or even the ‘Smirnov’s method’ is an effective means of getting the exchange energy splitting of asymptomatically degenerate energy states in molecular systems. Oh yes it is! -And although the exchange energy becomes elusive at large inter-nuclear systems, it is of prominent importance in theories of molecular binding and magnetism. This splitting results from the symmetry under exchange of identical nuclei. But simple ionization is the physical process of converting an atom or molecule into an ion by adding or removing charged particles such as electrons or other ions. So a positively charged ion is produced when an electron bonded to an atom or a molecule absorbs enough energy to escape from the electric potential barrier that originally confined it, thus breaking the bond and freeing it to move. Still with me? Good! Anyway, the amount of energy required is called the ionization energy. A negatively charged ion is produced when a free electron collides with an atom and is subsequently caught inside the electric potential barrier, releasing any excess energy. In general, ionization can be broken down into two types. There is sequential ionization and non-sequential ionization. In classical physics, only sequential ionization can take place; non-sequential ionization violates several laws of classical physics. That is, the physics before twenty-five B.B.Y! In these enlightened times of course, anything is possible, even bending the laws of physics. But no. No atmosphere. Therefore no ionisation. Sorry!”

“I got lost after he mentioned herrings and Smirnov.”

“Me too!”

“Me three!”

“Mmmm…Herrings!” Karnov says,

“Mmmm…Smirnov!” Niall copies him.

Jimmi asks. “Where does he get all this stuff?”

“He must look it up on the galactic-web, no wonder Hen3ry is looking dejected, Rojic's taking up all the terminal time.”

“I heard that Hen3ry is not actually looking up history, but Twi’leks in skimpy underwear.”

“That I can accept. Not a problem. He's a very lonely droid. But Rojic actually is looking up stuff to do with science and physics.”

“You dirty old Toydarian!”

Karnov says, “No wonder there’s never enough time to go on Tentaclebook™”

Niall is thinking out loud. “So what we actually need is a gun that encapsulates the ionised particles within plasma wrapped in a magnetic field. –Scaled up about one hundred and fifty times, and fired into space. It’d neutralise any buzz droids or enemy ships in the field of fire.”

Rojic is getting all excited. “An ion cannon -that’d be cool!”

Niall encourages him. “Well, they say that necessity is the mother of all invention….”

Kory counters. “But Toydarians are the fathers.”

There is a collective shudder.

Jimmi says, “I think I speak for everyone when I say: ‘Eeew!’”

Undeterred, Rojic continues. “I’d designate my patent ion cannon a KDY-One-fifty!”

“Why ‘KDY’ then?”

“Cos that’s the name of someone I was sweet on once. Named Kaydee.”

“Kaydee? Not ‘Katie’ perhaps?”

“She said her name was Kaydee.”

“Maybe she had a cold at the time. After all, Toydarians do get right up your nose!”

“And what about the one-fifty?”

Before Rojic can answer, Kory cuts in. “That’s how many seconds he spent making love to her!”

Everyone shudders again. They decide to split up and get on with their studies.

Kory is determined to beat the buzz droids. She starts working on the fiendish and complex programming that would subvert their programming. She thinks that a lot of the basic functions will be hard-wired, she works on the more complex and mutable IFF ^{[ 26 ]} codes that trigger the swarm signal. She spends some considerable time computer modelling, and consulting with Rojic, hoping to beat the code and subvert it. It all works on their model, but has yet to be tested in anger. A cute montage is shown with the two of them working away at the problem, while time ticks away rapidly in the background.^{[ 27 ]}

Jimmi announces that it’s time for a romantic one-on-one interlude and barbecue in the forest with Aima.

Karnov warns. “Don’t go burning any of the trees. All life is sacred and flows with the force….”

“Don’t worry, I won’t!” Later on Jimmi and Aima are snuggled up around the fire, as pretty lights play in the darkening sky above.

“Great fire Jimmi!”

“I used old battle droid parts. Okay, so it smells of grease, hydraulic fluid and synth-metal. -And there’s a certain carcinogenically acrid smoke that catches in the throat, and makes your eyes water uncontrollably….”

She looks at Jimmi, tears running down her cheeks. “You sure know how to show a girl a good time!”

“When we get off here, I’ll take you straight to a holiday on Alderaan.”

“What’s the big hurry, Jimmi? -It’ll always be there.”

“Yeah, big old safe, steady and dependable Alderaan.”

Later, the flashes in the sky are correctly identified as a space battle in progress. They load up Storm Cutter with the last bits and pieces, and arrange to signal the miners when it’s safe to follow. They bid their farewells, and blast off.

“Space battle! Just what we needed after all that skulking around!”

“It could be real short. We could be captured and tortured.”

Niall refuses this version of the future. “I’m explorer corps me. So technically a non-combatant!”

Kory blurts out. “That won’t help much when the emperor puts us all on trial!”

They all turn to her. In unison they repeat “Emperor?”

“Where did ‘emperor’ come from?” Niall asks.

“I don’t know. Just a funny feeling I’ve got.”

“There’ll never be an emperor, let alone an empire.”

“Not so long as that nice mister Palpatine is senator of Naboo.”

“Nice man.”

“A very nice man.”

Niall says “I voted for him!”

“I doubt that. You’re not eligible. You’re not a citizen of Naboo.”

“Even so, I’ll still vote for him. -Such a nice man! I might even move there and apply for citizenship, just so I can vote for him!”

Kory asks. “I suppose you’ll put ‘Jedi’ on your census form too?”

“Well I do.” Karnov says, “Even though I’m only technically a Padawan. By the time the next census arrives, the Jedi will be everywhere. -We’re invincible!”

“Talking of which, Buzz droids at three o’clock!”

“Are you sure this latest service patch of Kory’s is going to work.”

Kory is beaming. “Of course it is….I programmed it myself! -And I even felt the force flowing through me….”

“Don’t be so proud. Pride cometh before a fall….”

“Actually pride cometh before destruction….” Rojic tells them haughtily. ^{[ 28 ]}

“-And a haughty spirit before a fall!” Niall reminds them both. “Action stations!”

Kory decides that a belt-and braces approach might be better than having buzz droids making lunch of Storm Cutter. She dons a P-suit and hangs from a hatch. They trigger the scrambled IFF update, and the buzz droids respond. Instead of swarming the ship, they start to follow it in its wake. Like a queen bee leading all the drones, they streak off into space looking for something the buzz droids might like to feast upon.

Fortunately Kory is in the right place at the right time, because one droid is not responding to her reprogramming. It latches onto the bottom of Storm Cutter, and for an agonising few moments, a horrible grinding, cutting and wrenching noise is heard from the underside. Jimmi grabs a can of hull sealant and finds a way down to the hold. Rojic yells after him. “That’s not hull sealant!”

“What is it then?” Jimmi yells back, desperately trying to read the Braille on the side.

“Either it’s droid repellent….Or…..”

“Or what?”

“My can of shake-and-vac!”

The can drops from Jimmi’s hand. Deciding to let Rojic take care of repairs, Karnov and Jimmi man the guns. Niall leads a big cloud of buzz droids toward the biggest enemy ship. An interdictor! Around them, the little Bimmisaari fighters are slugging it out with the trade federation tri-fighters and droid ships. –Valiant though they might be, they are outnumbered and outgunned. It could be all over soon. –And nowhere to escape to either.

Karnov starts firing away, but the shots aren’t going where he’s aiming. Finally he yells back to the cockpit “Gimme back independent firing for goodness sake!”

Niall switches the fire-link switch to the off position, and soon Karnov and Jimmi are ineffectually blasting greebles off the sides of the interdictor. Jimmi even manages to get a fantastic hit on the part where the shields overlap –right over the thickest part of the armour!

Greebles!

Hanging off the bottom of the ship, Kory lets off a couple of blaster shots. Finally getting the better of the buzz droid. Another kill to Kory! –But what has it been doing under there?

Niall comes up close to the enemy interdictor. Now there’s a target of opportunity! Kory is back manning the shield terminal, when a shot from the interdictor’s laser batteries almost wipes out most of the front shield in a single shot! “That was close!” She yells to Niall, “Whatever your plan is, -do it quick!”

Niall is flying casual, and jinking at the same time, trying to get the buzz droids to latch on to the interdictor’s signal. Niall is looking for an opportunity, and praying that the enemy guns can’t bear on a ship this close. More shots streak their way. This could end their trip real quick, and the buzz droids are closing fast. He fades left, hugging the hull of the interdictor, with only inches to spare. Finally he sees the opening he needs….

TO BE CONTINUED......

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Footnotes. (Click numbers to return to the story.)

[ 25 ]   Like Isveve, for those who know their Robert Holdstock , and his novella 'The Dark Wheel.'
[ 26 ]    I.F.F. = Identify friend/ foe. Or for the American military: Identitfy friend: Fire!
[ 27 ]    If you look closely in the background, Jimmi and Aima are going around the compound on the back of a lizard at speed R17!
[ 28 ]   Actually, he is right. According to the King James bible, Proverbs 16:18 "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall."