"Stellar Bodies."


a.k.a. "Popped in, blown up, sold out."

By: Anthony Hummerston.

STARRING:

STARRING
'Mama',   Rojic,   Jimmi,   Karnov,   Niall,   Kory,  
And introducing:
Joe-90 and Hen3ry
as the droids.

AND
Storm Cutter
their ship.

“Whatever you’re doing, do it quick!” Rojic says. “There’s one hundred thousand buzz droids on our tail, looking for lunch!”

“That’s a bit far-fetched, one hundred thousand? –More like one thousand.”

“That’s the cutbacks for you. –We’re supposed to be on an austerity drive remember?”

Jimmi asks. “Is an austerity drive anything like a hyperdrive?”

“It’s where nothing and nobody works, but it’s cheaper!”

“That could easily describe Storm Cutter!”

Karnov is curious. “Why do we have a backup hyperdrive anyway?”

“Coz if your hyperdrive goes kaput, it’s a long journey home. –Several tens of lightyears takes…..Um….At sublight speed…..Takes tens of years. -Or actually more, dependent on how much ‘sub’ there is in your sublight.”

“Ten years? Rojic will be all grown up by then!”

“What I mean….” Karnov continues. “Is why the hyperdrive backup is so slow? Why not just install another hyperdrive as fast as the first?”

“It’s a cost thing, austerity drive…I think that this might be circling back to the beginning of the conversation in an ever recursive loop.”

Karnov finally breaks free of the loop by saying. “So the backup hyperdrive is like those skinny wheels that you put on a ground car if you get a blowout?”

“Exactly! But you’re a bit behind the times. Ground cars with wheels and pneumatic tyres are so before ten thousand B.B.Y!”

All this is very interesting, but not very dramatic. To add to the drama, Niall pulls a sharp bank, and Storm Cutter rolls along its axis, skirting the side of the interdictor. “You know…” He yells into the communicator. “This is all very fascinating, but we’re right alongside an enemy capital ship, dodging laser cannon batteries and trying to find a place to leave the buzz droids. If Kory’s reprogramming doesn’t work, we’ll be between a rocky hard place and a hard rocky place. – Not much of an option really.”

Karnov and Jimmi are still manning the guns. Karnov asks. “What’s that big pimple on the right hand mandible?”

“That’s the gravity well projector. Probably a chunk of neutron star within an amplifying field. A little lump of stellar body that weighs several trillion kilos. -And very effective at stopping comms and hyperdrives. As long as its here, we’re going nowhere!”

Rojic says. “Trillions of kilos? Now you’re exaggerating.” But Niall isn’t.

A lucky shot penetrates the shields, depleting between a quarter and a half of their protection, despite a valiant effort by Kory to rebalance them, and divert power from non-essential systems to keep them up.

Rojic suddenly says. “By the way, the light in the head isn’t working.”

Kory yells back. “It’s either the head light or the shields. You’ll have to aim blind! -Though judging by the mess in there every day from men, and male aliens, it’s a wonder that Mama didn’t sell the fittings and just paint a six-foot round target on the floor!”

Karnov and Jimmi continue to knock more greebles off the hull of the enemy capital ship. Niall decides that the best way to get out of the gun’s range is to make a run for the hangar at the end of the ship’s mandible. He fades left, almost scrapes the hull, and very nearly takes the dish off the top of Storm Cutter. Then he slews around, punches a hole in the force-wall and comes to a complete halt inside the hangar. Everyone holds on just in case the inertial dampers are a bit ropey today. Luckily their rapid deceleration is reasonably painless. Apart from a small bruise to someone’s upper arm, and a teapot sliding off the console and bouncing on the floor of the cockpit, everything remains in place. Rojic grins. “Still working! When you stop you really stop!” At this point he flies at top speed to the medical bay with a basin.

“What’s up, Rojic, feeling a little space-sick?”

“No! I need to catch any bacta slopping out of the tank.”

“It’s only green goo. We can mop up any spills later.”

“That’s what Karnov said after a visit to the head!”

Rojic yells back. “It’s just that bacta is fifty credits a litre, so every drop is worth a small fortune!” ^{[ 29 ]}

Putting the ship on hover, Niall lets them hang there at an altitude of about twenty feet. Karnov and Jimmi have a great field of fire, and continue to do so with relish, blowing droid drop-ships out of their docking bays like they were mere greebles. Several battle droids come out to see what al the fuss is about, and are blasted to bits in the general destruction. One of them manages to get a very lucky hit on Storm Cutter. Unbeknownst to the crew, showers of sparks rain down off an airlock hatch.

Niall is talking to himself. “Gravity well generator. Primary target. Check! Missile armed. Check! Locked……Fire!” In the atmosphere in the hangar, there is a soft ‘foop’ noise and a sleek concussion missile flashes from the under cockpit pylon, and into the blast doors at the end of the hangar.

In a second there is an almighty explosion, and the blast doors are well and truly blasted. The buzz droids have followed Storm Cutter into the hangar, and at Kory’s signal, are swarming like angry bees. She sends the code, and they latch on to the strongest signal -the amplifiers for the gravity well generators. Soon the air is thick with deploying buzz droids, and the little critters descend onto the delicate ductwork and electronics. “Dinner is served!” Kory whoops, and a ragged cheer echoes around the ship as the vicious little droids start their destruction. Niall says dryly. “Now that’s what I call cloud sourcing!”

Seeing the buzz droids ripping through the ship puts them in mind of what might happen if they are caught in the blast of an uncontained neutron star fragment. –Not a nice place to be.

Niall observes. “Time to turn tail and run!”

“Evacuate, at our moment of triumph….” Kory starts to say again.

“There’s a teeny tiny piece of neutron star going to be getting very angry in a few minutes, and when neutron stars get angry, they rip big chunks out of space for several thousands of kilometres, and toss them out of their prams in very little sub-atomic particles.”

“Okay point taken. By the way, what’s that black hole at top centre of the screen?”

“That’s no black hole…No wait a minute, it’s! actually it’s a teapot-shaped air freshener that used to hang from the rear view mirror.”

“Why do we have a rear view mirror? The only thing behind us is an escape pod.”

“Exactly. I think Mama got one of those stick-on ones to make sure that Rojic isn’t sneaking out the back, after one of his experiments.”

Jimmi says. “I see. –And I see!”

After a moment’s pause, Karnov asks Rojic. “Why don’t you try making a cabin out of the escape pod? You’ll be right up near the action instead of in the bowels of the ship. You’ll get a better night’s sleep and wake up to a whole new horizon.”

Rojic starts. “Okay I’ll try that and….Hey! Wait a minute!”

Niall turns Storm Cutter around, and heads out of the hangar. They are met with several shots from the laser cannons. In response, Karnov yells for Niall to re-engage the fire link and he starts aiming for the dish on top of the command centre of the ship. Jimmi is going down to the bottom hatch to investigate an alarm there. It would appear that the airlock isn’t holding pressure.

Outside, Bimmisaari snub fighters get in on the act, and with a well-placed missile, between them they manage to blast chunks off the dish on the top of the capital ship, making it look like a ragged cat’s ear.

Karnov yells for Niall to make another pass.

“Closer?” Niall yells back. “With the state of our shields?”

Kory reminds him. “One more shot like the last, and we’re space dust!”

Karnov pulls rank. “Another shot to theirs and they’re done for. Turn this ship around. I’m wearing my Jedi badge today and we’re sure as hell going back for another pass!”

“Junior Jedi badge more like…” Niall whispers to Kory. “Okay.” He says in a more normal voice. “If you’re sure!” He jinks around more incoming fire, and guns the throttle toward their target.

By this time, a black fire is licking around the dome of the gravity well generator, and the whole thing might blow at any moment. They destroy the dish in another pass, and a glancing hit to their ship does minimal damage. They withdraw to a safe distance, and see the whole thing enveloped in a mighty implosion. Then parts start escaping and white-hot shards blast into space with an almighty sounding: “       ”

“In space, no-one can hear you scream.”

“They were only battle droids, so I don’t think screaming was in their vocabulary!”

Niall is watching carefully. A little speck can be seen riding the edge of the blast. “Wait a minute, what’s that?”

“A shuttle shaped like a teapot!”

“Actually, it’s a shuttle. It looks like the craven cowardly commanders are making a run for it.”

They put a couple of well aimed shots across its bows, and demand that the shuttle’s occupants surrender.

Jimmi is trying to fix the problem with the airlock. The locking catch is not holding pressure, and the atmosphere will leak out of left too long. Kory joins Jimmi. Together they discuss solutions.

“Maybe it’s just not closed properly. Get in there and open it wide, and then give it a good slam. -That always used to work in the old days!”

“Good thing there’s not a window in the outer door.”

“Why is that?”

“We could shut all windows then open all windows and then send an error report so the manufacturer can flag it as ‘pending’ and promptly ignore it.”

“Someday they’ll write software like that.”

“Then I hope that they don’t design spacecraft, -is all I can say!”

Kory dons a spacesuit. Jimmi pretends not to watch as she strips to her skimpy underwear to do so. Soon enough she’s welding a patch over the leak. Within minutes the weld is stronger than the surrounding tinfoil and postcards that constitute the outer door.

“Good job”

“Thanks.”

“Only I think you missed a bit.”

“I’m not getting changed again.”

“I don’t know why you’re acting so coy. -It’s not like I can see anything.”

“I felt your eyes all over me.”

“I felt something holy.” Jimmi tells her, sounding slightly puzzled.

“I’m wearing a string vest….” She tells him.

“But you wear it so well….”

Karnov is hailing the shuttle. “This is Padawan Karnov, representative of the Jedi council. In the name of the Republic I order you to stand down.”

“You have no authority….” A voice sneers back at him.

Karnov turns the guns toward the shuttle. The other ship suddenly alters course and starts down toward the surface of the Bimmisaari homeworld. Storm Cutter follows it at a stand off distance. Behind them, the Trade Federation blockade is lifting rapidly. With the loss of their interdictor, the rest are scattering into hyperspace. A Republic cruiser soon arrives and the remaining stragglers soon retreat hastily.

Niall takes his time. No point in rushing a routine landing. There is a big area in front of them, after passing through some wispy clouds the landing site is clear and level and there’s not a breath of air.

In the shuttle, the two Neimoidians are spooked by something. The pilot starts to lean on the throttle, and the shuttle starts accelerating toward the ground. In trying to correct the error, he makes another error, and the shuttle tips into a straight dive. He desperately tries to pull up, but the shuttle’s small wings can’t lift it in time. The ship ploughs into the ground at tremendous speed, making a crater deep enough to bury half the ship. Storm Cutter puts down a little shakily nearby, and the crew are ready to rush to the shuttle’s aid. But the cargo ramp doesn’t extend properly, and there’s a strange list to one side. They squeeze through the gap, and run to the wrecked craft. In seconds they’ve popped the hatch and crawled inside. However the impact has killed the two crew, and there’s nothing that can be done for them. A Bimmisaari delegation are speeding toward them. They douse the wreckage in foam to stop any fires and start to remove the bodies. Rojic offers to help.

“Didn’t figure you for the compassionate type, Rojic.”

“Sure I am. -There’s all sorts of rights and rituals to observe.”

“Such as?”

“Bagsy all the best bits off the shuttle!”

Karnov looks at him with his mouth wide open.

Rojic looks back. “What?”

“I can’t believe you can be that insensitive. Two people died here just minutes ago.”

“So they won’t be needing this!” Rojic says, unscrewing a part from the hull of the shuttle with an aero-wrench.

The others try to pacify the Bimmisaari, while trying to distract them from Rojic’s antics. Before long the bodies are transported away, and the most useful bits of the shuttle are stowed in Storm Cutter’s hold and engineering bay. The rest of the crew ignore Rojic for quite some time after that, still a bit shocked and bemused at his apparent lack of respect. “Ashes to ashes, swamp to swamp. -As they say back home.” He tries to remind anyone who is listening, but nobody is.

Meantime, they are looking at the problem with Storm Cutter. It would appear that one of the buzz droids fancied an apéritif and has ripped chunks off one of the landing pylons. The damage looks quire severe, and would explain the list to starboard. They patch it up as best they can, and arrange for the grateful Bimmisaari to take it into one of their shipyards for a refit. Luckily the pylon is a pretty standard design, and the new one is fitted in a couple of days. This gives other Bimmisaari time to re-fit and re-stock some of the ship. Still being shunned by the rest of the crew, Rojic decides to supervise.

They ask him. “Do you have a list of things that need to be done?”

“Of course. Er, can I have a ream of paper, so I can print one out?”

When he presents it, it’s a long list. -A very long list.

“I think that you misunderstood us. We need a list of what you want done in the next two days.”

Rojic starts ripping off pages at quite a rate, crossing out and underlining. He presents this to his hosts. They look at it. Then they look at him, then at the ship itself.

“Do you think you might have a list of what you can actually afford.”

Rojic takes the last page. He rips off four fifths of it, and hands them the larger of the two parts. Then he reconsiders and swaps it for the smaller part.

“Thank you sir. We’ll get on to this job right away. Can you supply the fuse, or shall we add it to the bill?”

“I think I have a nail that you can use. No, please don’t waste precious minutes fetching it! –We don’t have the budget!”

Karnov announces. “Now the blockade is lifted, it’s time to recommend the crew for commendations.”

Niall reminds him. “We’ve got a mission to finish remember?”

“What mission?”

“To restore law, order and peace to the galaxy!”

“Pfft! Not us. That’s the Jedi mission statement.”

“You’re a Padawan....”

Karnov thinks. By the time he’s finished, the others have got a suntan. He says. “Oh yeah. Sorry!”

Kory says. “At least this bit of the mission is over. Time to party!”

Karnov reminds her. “No one invites Jedi to surprise parties.”

“That’s coz they know it’s coming, and they always feel their presents!”

A lone tumbleweed opens the door, wipes its feet, waits for the applause to die down and then blows in. It does a quick circuit around the room, takes a bow and leaves, closing the door quietly behind it.

Niall is relaxing with a drink in his hand. “What big heroes we are!”

Kory brings him down to earth. “Heroes are defined as people who get other people killed.”

There is a message waiting for them from the Jedi council. They’ve tracked Rose Wanderer to Ylesia, in Hutt space, and only a planet’s hop from Rojic’s homeworld of Toydaria.

Jimmi asks. “You know what a Hutt is don’t you?”

They humour him. “No.”

“It’s midway between a house and a hotel. And if one sets up on Mayfair, you pay them the rent even if you’re living in Old Kent Road. –And you hand over your car, boat, iron and dog!”

“Anyway, Ylesia. What do we know about that?”

Kory knows. “It’s a wretched hive of scum and villainy. We’ll fit right in!”

Rojic tells them. “It’s where poor Toydarians go on their holidays.” Jimmi adds. “-And rip off the locals.”

Rojic asks. “Oh have you been there?”

Jimmi jokes. “I went to sleep in the gutter and when I woke up I couldn’t see.”

“Yeah, the liquor they serve in Ylesian bars is really dangerous!”

“It wasn’t that. Someone had stolen my eyes!”

They all laugh, and then look again at Jimmi. Niall reminds them. “Jimmi’s a Miralukan – they’re born without eyes.”

Karnov thinks. The suntan wears off. “Damm Toydarians! Stealing a man’s eyes before he’s even born!”

Rojic is not taking this lying down. “You lot are always picking on me!”

“That’s because you’re such an easy target. It’s simple racism. Grow a thick skin.”

Rojic sounds angry. “You know, you’ll miss me when I’m dead and gone.”

“Shame we’re not missing you already.”

Back on the subject, they discuss what Rose Wanderer and Roake Khan might want on Ylesia. “Maybe he’s interested in the games.” Rojic says. “There’s a coliseum there, and it’s one of the biggest draws in Hutt space.”

Niall says. “But Toydarian-baiting is the largest though. -That gets a crowd from all around the galaxy!”

“Talking of Toydarian, where’s Rojic?”

“Gone back to the ship to work on the battle droid parts.”

“Dunno what he plans to do with them. The last time I poked my head around the door, he had three droid heads all going ‘Rojic! Rojic!’ whenever he spoke to them.”

“Y’know for a little fella, he’s got a really big ego!”

Niall puts them straight. “Actually he’s planning on installing a droid’s blaster on a pod underneath the ship. A kind of intruder deterrent.”

“The damage those things do, it’s more of an intruder annihilator.”

“Well, just remind him to make it shoot warning shots first.”

“Roger! Roger! Will do.”

A few days later and Rojic is fluttering outside the ship, scratching his head.

Kory asks “What’s up?”

Rojic is slow to respond. “Oh, nothing. Just trying to work out a few kinks in the hyperdrive.”

“-And?”

“-And I think that the kink is sitting in the pilot’s seat.”

Niall chimes in. “The kink is dead. Long live the kink!”

Rojic only says. “I wish the kink would leave the building.”

In the meantime, Jimmi has been checking up on an old flame. Aima has managed to get herself a job with another more prestigious mining company.

“Thanks, partly to me.” Jimmi is quick to point out.

Kory’s eyes glint as she reminds Jimmi. “Just think how grateful she could be….”

“Oooh! I can imagine quite a bit!”

To break the mood, Rojic comes over, swearing under his breath. “Damn foodoo wonda damapa rando-blammo….”

Niall asks. “What’s up now? Are those sentry guns working yet?”

Rojic corrects him. “Gun. Singular. There’s been a bit of a hitch. It was working okay, but then I couldn’t seem to turn it off. –Every time I approached it, it shot me!”

Niall comments suggestively. “That was no glitch….”

Jimmi can’t help announcing. “Cabin crew and sentry guns to normal please. Thank you. Please fasten your seatbelts and prepare for landing. No smoking, or electronic devices. They screw with our autopilot, and that means that the pilot will have to sober up again, and that makes him grumpy.”

Niall is still sniggering when he is approached by a rather stern looking Bothan. The Bothan introduces himself as ‘Farow.’ Niall stops when the Bothan tells him that he’s got a package for Niall to transport. Karnov is instantly suspicious. “What’s this then?” He asks. “Jedi service corps business.” Niall flashes his badge, and the Bothan flashes him back. “I’m having a package delivered, guard it with your life. There will be instructions that’ll be useful later. Thanks.”

Later on, a long box arrives, all steel and shiny panels, like a cryo-container of old. Niall loads it into the hold of Storm Cutter and asks Rojic if they are ready to fly.

Rojic is remonstrating with a little Bimmisaari, who is running a diagnostic on the sentry gun. -Mainly by trying to unbolt the starboard wing. “I’m trying to get us out of here and you pull this!” Rojic yells at him. The sentry gun suddenly springs to life and swivels toward Rojic, who promptly hides beneath a piece of cowling. From his hiding place he changes tack. “My mistake! He’s a friend of mine! Nothing to see here, move along please!”

Looking over the modifications to the ship, Jimmi points out that the ultraviolet light in the fridge has been changed to a red one.

“Now we can’t see all the bacteria in the fridge every time we open the door.” Kory suggests.

“But red? It’s like the brothel district in Mos Eisley in there.”

Kory agrees. “Well for the record, I’m not too keen either.”

Jimmi asks. “Why? Is it suddenly rather dark in your cabin?”

Kory shoots him the kind of look that an angry sentry gun might have.

Niall announces that the ship is ready to go. All that’s left are pre-flight checks and a cargo. Kory starts negotiating right away, and soon secures a hundred tons of luxury goods destined for the greedy and gadget loving Toydarians and Hutts.

“So what have you got?” Jimmi asks. Kory says. “All sorts of wonderful things….”

“Such as?”

“Genuine luxury goods.”

Rojic interrupts. “Yes, see here. Relox watches, Sunny televisions, Sawnoffski crystals, and the best perfume money can buy, Chanel-hoo number-seven.”

“Just a moment! Those sound like cheap knock offs!”

“Shhh!”

Jimmi is curious. “Chanel-hoo number-seven? What is that exactly?”

“Simple: Chanel Number Five with added H₂O!”

Kory is doing some research. “It would appear that the biggest settlement on Ylesia is Hunter’s city. It’s dry and dusty, has a coliseum, notorious for depraved bloodsports, and run by an unpopular gangster, named Dew’lin the Hutt.”

Rojic says. “I like the Hutts. Sure they’re slimy unpleasant murderous, gangsters with an attitude problem, but you know where you stand with them.”

“Anything else?” Niall asks.

“Just got to check on the droids” Rojic says, disappearing into the engineering bay. There, Hen3ry is looking all polished and shiny, and Joe-90 is in better shape than when he left. Curious to know what the Bimmisaari technicians have done to Joe-90, Rojic turns him on.

“How can I help you sir? Anyone to kill? I specialise in turning meat-bags into grease-spots…..” Satisfied, Rojic turns him off. “Project for another day.” He says to himself.

Niall has finished pre-flight checks. “Everything normal, green over green, temps below max op end. Steering vanes….No steering vanes……Just vanes then….Teapot at twelve ‘o clock…Check….Is it that time already?”

They lift off, and set course. It takes just under twelve hours. They locate Ylesia and Hunter’s City, and put down at a spaceport just outside town. As soon as they disembark, four figures approach the ship. Three are human, the other a Devaronian.

Jimmi says. “These guys might be hostile. So radiate feelings of friendship, and keep your blaster pistols close at all times.”

The men ask for a docking fee. “Twenty Peggats.”

Kory takes pity on them. “He’s just a poor corrupt official. Fifteen Peggats.”

The man in charge insists. “Twenty!”

Kory unzips her flight suit a little. “How about payment in kind?”

The rest of the crew are non-plussed. Niall on the other hand can hardly believe his ears.

The official can hardly believe his luck.

Kory offers again, gives a wink, and starts back up the cargo ramp, wiggling her rear rather invitingly. Niall watches four times over to make up for the others who aren’t interested.

Kory and the official waste no time getting down to business. She unzips her suit a little more, and leads the official behind a packing crate. In seconds her lips are locked onto his in a passionate kiss. The Official’s head is buzzing –Both with desire and the potent narcotic in her lipstick. He agrees to take a crate of goods in lieu of payment. Kory kisses him again to seal the deal. The official leaves with his head spinning, and more importantly without the crate.

Lipstick. Deadlier than a concussion missile.
-And cheaper too.

They both descend the ramp a few moments later. The official is in a daze, and leads his fellow officials away, regaling them with a tale of passion and desire. The rest of the crew are discussing Kory’s loose morals and the fact that they’ve effectively gotten away without paying.

Jimmi says. “I think I need a drink after that. -And maybe Kory would like a death-stick.”

“I like a death-stick after passion. It takes the taste away.”

“After passion?”

“Passion. -The name of my lipstick.”

Jimmi says. “I think I need to go home and rethink my life.”

Rojic interrupts. “We don’t need to hear all about the sordid details of her grubbly little encounter.”

Niall disagrees. “I could stand to hear a little more.”

Coyly Kory tells him. “Later.”

“Okay. –I’ll be in my bunk!”

Kory says. “He didn’t even ask me any questions. –And he forgot his crate!”

“I guess you could say, he felt a bit of a boob!”

They ask a few dockers where the best place for a drink is. There are two bars close. A pilot’s drinking hole named ‘The Bespin Bar,’ and a place where the ground crew go, called ‘The Hanged Man.’

Niall says. “Best get a move on. If we stand here too long the sentry gun’ll be popping out.”

“A bit like Kory!” Rojic quips, and flutters just out of slapping range.

Jimmi says. “Someone said something about drinks.”

“Okay. But we’ve not much local currency, unless Rojic has some stashed beneath his mattress.”

Niall says “I bet he has, but somehow I don’t fancy rummaging around in a Toydarian’s bed.”

As they make their way along the street, many eyes on many faces turn their way.

Prophetically Kory says. “I have a bad feeling about this….!”

TO BE CONTINUED...... NEXT EPISODE:

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Footnotes. (Click numbers to return to the story.)

[ 29 ]    Nearly the price of petrol!