"Table 'A' Damage."

By: Anthony Hummerston.

STARRING

'Mama',   Rojic,   Jimmi,   Karnov,   Niall,   Kory,  
And introducing:
Joe-90 Hen3ry and'Lucky.' and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.

AND
Storm Cutter
their ship.

Jimmi asks, “Where exactly did you put Storm Cutter?”

“In the sand!” Niall responds, on autopilot.

“But we’re supposed to be in a gully!”

“By golly, so we are!”

“But you’re supposed to be guiding the shuttle into the droid loading area, ready to detonate!”

“Your point being?”

“You’re supposed to be watching it!”

Niall puts his feet on the console. “Not a problem. Pre-programmed flight path. -Simples!”

The others look out of the portholes, and the cockpit window in expectation. Outside, there are ribbons of light coming from all directions converging on the drop-table. “Like a spider’s web, glittering in the darkness.” Kory says, for Jimmi’s benefit. –There being little point in Jimmi looking out of the window.

“Any c-beams?”

“I expect so….What’s a c-beam?”

C-Beam. Not to be confused with a TIE-Interceptor wing!

Ignoring Jimmi, Kory continues. “Taking the war-torn and weary, but victorious droid army away to another conquest. I hate war.”

“I like war.” Niall says. “I just don’t want to be on the losing side all the time!”

“What about killing? Taking lives is not the Jedi way.”

“True. -But droids don’t count. They’re only brainless, lifeless machines.”

“Tell that to Joe-90 when he takes offence at a comment like that and tries to rip your head off!”

Against the backdrop outside, the crew are unaware that six lights have separated from the queuing lines and are converging on their position. By this time, Karnov is droning on…..

“I object to being portrayed as stupid.”

“Who says you’re stupid?”

“Well, apart from you, I get the feeling that there’s some unknown narrator, recording my every move, and portraying me in a very negative way.”

“No he isn’t”

“Aha! See! You admit that there is!”

“It’s just a conspiracy theory. There’s no such thing as a universal narrator. That’s the stuff of science fiction.”

Niall coughs and points to their surroundings. To prove there is no universal narrator, he turns into a kangaroo, folds up the universe and places it neatly in his pouch.

Karnov continues. “I’m not stupid!” The others look at him in mock sympathy. “It goes much further than that!”

“Are you saying that stupidity isn’t just skin-deep, but that it goes right to the core?”

“That’s right! I’m not thick. I’m really, really, really, really thick.”

“How many is that?

“A lot!”

The others are getting bored of this conversation already. However, Karnov presses on regardless. “I can explain it to you another way.”

“Must you?”

“No. But I can draw you a diagram…..With my crayons!”

On the floor of the hold, he sketches several circles and labels them. The others can’t help but notice his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth as he does so.

Rojic butts in. “It looks like the cross-between a Venn diagram, and the theoretical representation of an atom. –All the electrons of idiocy going around the prime element of stupid.”

Kory takes pity on Karnov. “Never mind. We like you just the way you are.” She says kindly.

“Yeah, reliable, gullible and pliable.”

Karnov turns on Rojic. “Who’s gullible?”

“You are.”

“Oh yeah, so I am!”

Rojic shakes his head.

“Talking of words ending ‘–ible’” Karnov says. “I sense something horrible…..”

It’s the turn of everyone else to shake their heads, and roll their eyes.

Jimmi counters. “Strange that I have not. I wonder if your feelings on this matter are clear, Karnov.”

Niall slips back into the pilot’s chair. The shuttle is making excellent progress, and is in a queue to be loaded aboard the mother ship.

“Pick up your visual scanning….Almost there!”

Rojic wants to know something. “Are you still flying the shuttle?”

“Only partly. It’s semi-automatic.”

Jimmi interrupts. “Yeah, he flies with one hand behind his back…. –And the other half with another hand semi-behind his back. The other…”

They are all trying to figure this one out when Kory yells a warning.

“Warning!”

“Was that a warning, Kory?”

“I’m warning you!” She yells back. “So…..Yes!”

She glances back. The pin-pricks of light converging with them are a lot closer now. “Several speeders on approach! They look like droids on STAPs!”

Karnov strains to look. “I cannot see them…”

“Have you tried looking out of a window?” Jimmi yells down from the dorsal turret. Then adds, “-Stupid!”

Karnov hisses at Jimmi to be quiet.

“What’s up? You smell something?”

Karnov looks up. “A familiar whining. “

“That’s just Rojic bemoaning his fate.” Jimmi yells down. “Great Rojic. Always thinking with your wallet!”

The others report that they can’t hear anything.

“Must have Bantha cheese in our ears!”

“What did you say?”

“I said….Oh, never mind….”

“Only I have Bantha cheese in my ears. -To drown out the incessant whining.”

“Don’t let the droids hear you say that!”

Kory yells over the shrieking coming from outside. “You know you can go for a fortnight on Bantha cheese. It’s great for long missions. Great ration pack filler.”

“Yeah!” Niall agrees. “You’ll go for weeks and rather starve than eat it. It staves off the pangs of hunger. -And the pangs of dying. Such wonderful stuff!”

Rojic adds, “It can’t be as bad as that fungus gloop we have back home. It makes your fly-bladder fill to monstrous size, and you end up floating off into space. –Until that is when you can’t breathe any more and you explode in all sorts of yukkiness. It’s a horrible way to go!”

Niall says, “We’ve got something like that where I came from. It’s called Tofu!”

Karnov isn’t so sure. “I thought it tasted like fish eggs.”

“Everything you put in your mouth tasted like fish eggs, Karnov.”

“Mmmmm…..!”

Jimmi calls down. “I have some rather disturbing images in my head now. –Thanks!”

Niall yells back from the cockpit. “That’s all very well, but how’s that sound coming along. You know – the one of the rapidly approaching STAPS?”

“Oh yeah!” Karnov yells, suddenly taking charge. “Enemy speeders on approach vector! Action stations! Red alert!”

There is an embarrassing pause, and then they all start running around like lunatics. “I’ll say this for you Karnov, your ears are fine, but your timing is lousy!” Rojic tells him.

“Thanks. Love to talk….But it’s red alert!” Karnov replies and then adds, “Actually, do we have any red bulbs?”

Rojic thinks. “Well, there’s a red light in Kory’s cabin….” Kory shoots him a look. “But….Er, no. We’ll have to use the fridge light, and use sweet wrappers as gel-sheets.” He starts hading around sweets for them all. Karnov is quickest off the mark, and he starts chewing furiously.

Jimmi calls down from the dorsal gun turret. “What is that sound?”

“It’s Karnov masticating.”

Thinking about this, Jimmi is almost violently sick. – “Oh god! Anyone! Someone? Get me some Bantha cheese!” None is forthcoming. Jimmi continues. “Too late! It’s in my head! I think I’m going to be really ill.”

Rojic shouts up. “Actually I said ‘masticating!’”

“I know exactly what you said. But with no eyes, the sound is so very similar…..-And now the image is in my head! I’m irrevocably scarred. Probably for life!”

After a minute, the others all feel ill as well.

A moment later, Rojic updates Jimmi on the situation. “It’s alright, Karnov has finished. What remains is just a gooey mess…..of toffee.”

Now the others all chime in too. “Oh thanks. Now the image is in my head too. I may never be the same again!”

“Anyone know the number of a good therapist?”

“I think my brain needs to go into the Bacta tank. -And probably through the filters too!”

Rojic reports. “Karnov has swallowed…..The toffee!”

Everyone but Karnov goes as green as Bacta. Rojic goes an interesting colour of turquoise.

Karnov looks at them with eyebrow raised. “There! Finished in record time. –But such a shame to waste a valuable toffee, especially as it’s wrapped in all this worthless gold!”

“Gold?” Jimmi asks, “I thought that the toffees were in a purple wrapper.”

“No that’s the nougat ones. The green triangles are chocolate, and can be used as money in some places. The blue ones are the nutty ones. -The ones that no one likes. -The ones that are always left at the end. -Unloved and unwanted….”

“Ironic, that, isn’t it?” Jimmi says, facing Rojic. -And looking ironic, and being ironic. It’s a whole big irony thing.

No one else can see the joke. Jimmi thinks of repeating it with emphasis, but doesn’t. Karnov hands Rojic the slightly sticky sweet wrapper proudly. Rojic accepts it. “You know, you didn’t have to eat the sweet first. We’ve wasted a lot of valuable time waiting.”

Everyone looks at Karnov, who is still working it out. The enemies at the gates wait patiently for a development. The droids consider going for an oil-bath and a full refit…. Finally Karnov realises. “Action stations!” He yells, “Red alert!”

Finally the credit has dropped! Rojic puts his foot over it and hopes that nobody has noticed.

They all start running around again. Karnov barks non-specific orders. “Alert! Alert!”

From a position high above, Jimmi observes. “The Republic needs lerts.”

Kory asks, “What’s happened to the STAPS?”

“Every time we start arguing, they go for a tea-break and a fag!”

“Okay….”

Kory instructs Niall to gain height and hover. Niall adjusts the altitude dial with a deft twist, sets the pointer on sixty-five feet and puts his feet back on the console. This is flying casual! Storm Cutter rises to fifty feet. The altimeter starts arguing with itself over the arbitrary calibration settings.

Kory runs to the heavy repeating blaster and calls out. “I’m getting out the big guns! Open the ramp!”

As he punches the button to extend the ramp, Jimmi says to Karnov, “If only I could see with my eyes what you could see with your eyes!” Karnov averts his eyes. Kory is wearing a spaceship brooch. Karnov reports “Averting eyes away from brooch and onto spaceport. -And that’s a lot of real estate! You could park a couple of Lucrehulks on it…. Eeeew!”

The ramp lowers. Karnov grabs at the sofa to stop it slipping down. Kory has a great field of fire. Karnov snaps off a shot with a blaster, into the darkness at the approaching STAPs. –It’s a miss.

“Curse my eyes! Curse the universal narrator! I’ve got infra-vision you know…. Or is it ultravision?”

Still, a miss is a miss. The STAPS are screaming in out of the lights at a furious pace. Rojic operates the sentry guns, but they can’t track fast enough to hit. Kory aims between Rojic’s shot and Karnov’s and manages a critical hit on one of the fast-moving vehicles. The STAP and the battle droid on it are blasted to pieces, and fall to an impressive six-G impact on the ground. The droid manages a feeble. “Nooooooo!” Before becoming so much shrapnel.

Kory is pleased with her handiwork. “Woo-hoo!” She whoops. “What do you call this thing? I think it needs a name!”

Niall says, “I call all my guns by girl’s names!”

“How about Bertha?” Kory suggests.

“Just what I was thinking!” Niall calls back, as Storm Cutter spins lazily on its axis to keep tracking the remaining enemies.

The STAPs bank around for another pass, firing all the time. Many greebles are injured in the making of this scene. There is no appreciable damage, but lots of carbon scoring. Suddenly a STAP looms large in front of Kory and Karnov. Another burst of fire, and Kory ducks behind the shield. Karnov ducks behind the sofa. –It might be frightening after all! Jimmi responds with the ship’s guns, but can’t get a bead on so small a target.

Bertha’s shield is blasted to bits. Bertha isn’t looking too good either. Kory takes her blaster and fires. Niall targets another with the ship’s guns, but misses the swooping STAP. “Worried him!” He says casually. Rojic leads his target, and manages a good hit with the sentry guns. The STAP wobbles, but manages to maintain course. Karnov adjusts his eyes and peers into the darkness. Fully fixed on his target, he can almost see the circuits in the droid’s eyes. His vision is 20/20. He misses. The droids try to find a weak spot on Storm Cutter’s hull. Unfortunately for them, the hull is all weak spots. Their shots penetrate the shields, which take the heat and the sting out of them, and they flash harmlessly on the metalwork beneath.

Karnov observes this. He tells Rojic, “At this rate, it’d be easier to paint the hull black, rather than touching up the blaster burns!”

Rojic is about to answer, as Kory shoots again. Jimmi follows suit. She misses, Jimmi misses. Rojic has got the hang of leading the targets and has a lock on his STAP. He presses the button. The sentry guns respond…..By fizzing and popping.

“Damn! Out of gas!”

The hold is plunged into darkness.

“I think you blew a fuse too!”

“I’m on it! I think I saw a three inch nail somewhere.”

“Where?”

“Er….in the fuse box!”

Kory gets a hit, Niall fires the ventral guns. A miss. Karnov fires and wings another vehicle. The STAP comes straight for the ramp, firing a rapid volley. Much to Rojic’s dismay, it knocks big lumps off the speeder in the hold.

“Which one?” He demands to know.

“Your uncle’s speeder.”

“My cousin’s!” Rojic corrects Kory.

“Cousin, uncle, father. They’re all the same!” She says.

Rojic flaps his wings. “-And I’m proud of it. –And thankful.”

“Thankful?”

“Because one birthday present covers three relatives!”

“You’re such a cheapskate!”

Rojic is not offended. “But think of the savings! Every year for say…. Sixty years. –A tidy sum! -Inbreeding has its advantages too!”

The ventral guns roar. A full spread scatters one STAP into greebles. They fall down to the ground in a glittery shower. Karnov gets a kill. Kory manages to damage another. This one screams toward the open ramp. In a second, it will career up the ramp, spinning like a circular saw, and slicing through ship, sofa and hero alike. Karnov remains calm, and reaches out into the force. A slight movement of his hand and the stricken STAP’s trajectory changes subtly. The speeder misses by mere millimetres, spinning into the darkness below Storm Cutter, before exploding in a massive fireball like a Ford Pinto.

Another roar of the guns and a volley from the defenders and the enemy are finally vanquished. The droids lie in pieces, or in one case barbequed pieces. The burning wreckage fizzes on the ground for several minutes. Niall moves the ship to another vantage point. He checks on the shuttle’s progress. “Almost there!”

Kory joins him in the cockpit. Niall gasps. The others arrive soon after. “What’s up?”

“The shuttle. It’s not responding to the helm!”

“Where’s the joystick?”

“Here!”

“Where?”

“Here!” Niall points. “I know it doesn’t look like much, but…..”

Kory looks at Niall. They fill in their own punchlines silently between them.

Kory points to Rojic. “Check the comms array!”

“I’m on it!”

A few seconds later Rojic is surrounded by cables and wires and tubes and fibre-optics. “Checks out. And I ran a diagnostic. And I un-kinked the power feed, and the washing is done too!”

“Very thorough.” Kory observes, “Good job.”

“Y’know these old ships need rewiring every twenty years or so. It looks like most of this is original. Along with giant space hamster gnaw-marks. –Big fire risk!”

Kory counts on her fingers. “Health-and-safety. Mama’s austerity. Rojic’s penny-pinching. -They all go into the recipe for disaster!”

They all shudder at the prospect. Kory voices what they’re all thinking. “I had hoped that space hamsters were only legendary.”

“Well, they’re not. Frighteningly real I’m afraid.”

“Whoever came up with that concept needs shooting!”

“Talking of shooting….”

“We weren’t.”

“Okay…..” Kory thinks. “Maybe they’re jamming us….”

“How can they be jamming us, if they don’t know we’re not coming?”

Jimmi looks with blank eyes. “Maybe they think we are coming and are no longer jamming us.”

“That’s just plain stupid!”

Karnov says, “Makes perfect sense to me!”

Jimmi looks into the force. “Nothing going on in the force. Other than the usual portents of doom and destruction…..Except in Alderaan. Everything there is happy, peaceful and rosy!”

“Wait a minute….” Niall says. He adjusts the static storm on the comms panel. “Rojic, can you boost the power level?”

“Boosted!” The power level bar rises from minimal to maximum. Then the scale readjusts and the power goes to super-powerful!

Kory whispers. “Stop by my cabin in a few minutes….”

Rojic’s eyes widen at the suggestion. Kory deflates him somewhat. “A battery-operated Kushiban is a girl’s best friend. Sometimes her only friend!”

The comms screen crackles into life. A droid’s head is there. “Where’s the karking switch….Er….Ah! Here it is!” It says in a droid’s voice, but in an unusual bass register. “Aha!” It says, “Look what we have here! Republic scum!”

Our heroes are a bit taken aback at this. “How rude!”

The droid holds up some wires and the remains of Niall’s carefully constructed detonator. “Is this your bomb?” The droid asks. “Oooh! A nasty little bomb! Here’s the trigger!” There is a snapping sound. “Oh dear, I think I just broke it!”

Kory is cross. “Who are you calling scum?”

“That’s not a nice way to talk to droids. I’ll have you on oil bath duty! Of course it would be latrines, only we don’t use them!”

Niall whispers. “Keep it talking while I transfer telemetry to the weapons system.”

Kory smiles sweetly. The droid drones on. “Where’s your army now? All running and hiding?”

Niall exchanges glances with Rojic. His eyebrows rise slightly. Rojic mirrors the gesture, and slides a slider on the console.

Karnov gets in on the act. “I am padawan Karnov. I demand your immediate surrender!”

The droid is having none of it. “That’s no way to speak to your superiors. I’ll have you up on a charge!”

Kory looks defeated. “It’s so hot in here, suddenly…..” She starts unzipping her flight suit. The others stare at the comm and try not to be too distracted. Jimmi turns to face her directly. -Full frontal!

Kory coos, and calls coyly, “Are you going to tie me up?”

The droid responds. “You bet I am!”

Kory sighs, “Oh I don't mind, really….”

The tusken, who has been silent up until now grunts a little string of guttural sounds. Joe-90 translates. “He says he’ll be in his bunk….Masticating!”

The mood is ruined by Joe-90. Kory changes tack. She looks right at the droid, and asks sternly, “What’s your operating code?”

“I’m ‘CD-Eight.’ My buddies are CDs one to seven….. We’re a.....‘Triumph-arate!’”

The crew can hear guffaws of mechanical laughter from the other commando droids in the background. Our heroes look on with stony expressions on their faces. In the background and through a doorway, Joe-90 and Hen3ry are rocking with silent laughter. Droid humour and organic humour are obviously poles apart. Joe-90 says. “Three fleshies of different ethnic origins perambulate into an establishment serving intoxicating alcoholic beverages….” ^{[ 59 ]}

After the droid giggling subsides, CD-Eight looks straight into the comm. “Oh and I welded the doors of the shuttle shut. So don’t get any clever ideas! We’re smarter than you.”

“And braver”

“And better looking…..”

“And smarter….Er….I think we already said that!”

Karnov asks, “Who are you?”

“We’re a new type of droid. Stronger, smarter, …. -And other words that begin with ‘S’ Like…..Er….. ‘Better!’”

The other droids look at CD-Eight. Having no eyebrows to raise or hair to scratch they cock their heads quizzically. CD-Eight looks back at them. There is a pause and they all fall about chuckling again.

Niall claps a hand to his forehead. “We’ve been outwitted by the Smash robots!”

All this continues as Niall gets a weapon lock on the shuttle. The vessel is drifting closer to the centre of the area beneath the drop-table. With a delicate cough to hide his movement, Niall lets fly with a concussion missile. The silver tube streaks from Storm Cutter, hugging the ground along the gully and then high over droids and equipment. He tells Jimmi to count down from five. The missile streaks into the darkness. In seconds, it has covered the distance and slams into the shuttle. The detonation splits the shuttle like an egg, and tibanna gas bursts forth in an invisible cloud. On the comm screen, the commando droids are tossed about like leaves on the wind. Their cries are cut short. Behind their robotic faces the shuttle is ripped open –To their credit though, the cargo bay doors are still welded shut!

“Open the shuttle bay doors, Niall!”

“I'm sorry, Kory…. I'm afraid I cannot do that.”

“What's the problem?”

“I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.”

“What are you talking about, Niall?”

“This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.”

Kory whispers, “You mean you were not supposed to blow the bloody doors off?”

“Exactly. I can’t risk premature ejection.”

Jimmi sniggers. Rojic says, “Don’t start all that again!”

Jimmi is counting down “….Three ….Two…. One….” Niall shouts, “Fire!”

In the distance, the gas spreads out in a large cloud. Although essentially invisible, it makes ripples like a heat haze. The lights twinkle in the darkness for a second. Jimmi fires the cannons in the dorsal turret. The bolts flare out into the darkness, about halfway height between the bottom of the drop table and the ground. Thousands of electronic eyes glance into the air above. The blaster bolts ignite the gas. There are a few milliseconds of stillness before the whole area erupts in flame. The force of the blast sweeps away everything in its path.

In the initial blast, the drop table begins to shimmy. It begins to shake. A gonk droid that was walking around the perimeter is nudged off the edge and performs the gonk droid’s equivalent of the Wilhelm scream. “Aaaaaaahhh......Gonnnnk!”

The legs of the drop-platform start to buckle. As the angle of the platen on the top starts to slide off the horizontal, the mothership starts an emergency take off. Pipes and tubes and cables stretch to breaking point, and snap altogether. The table lists drunkenly to starboard. The lift-off is slow, but the destruction is rapid. In a second, the angle of the table increases sharply. Now droids and vehicles are dropping off the sloping side. The whole ship starts to slide too. The repulsor jets fire to keep the ship level, but the increase is too rapid. The repulsors are acting partly on the platform and partly into fresh air. The whole ship slews sideways, and then nose-dives into the ground nearly a kilometre below. The whole thing impacts with a deafening bass roar. A million tons of ship slamming into the ground sends further shockwaves across the terrain. The ship imbeds itself to a third of the way up the hull. The upper portion collapses under the force of the impact and small explosions ripple through the superstructure. After a further few seconds, the reactor is breached, and goes critical. This sets off a huge detonation. The few milliseconds of implosion pulls debris from a wide area into the core before exploding outwards. Huge greebles soar into the air, leaving fiery smoke tails.

The cheer that ripples through Storm Cutter is cut short as Kory and Niall embrace. For decades afterwards, fans will debate who kissed first. The blast wave gains on them. There are scant seconds for Niall to gain altitude, and to make a desperate run for it. Storm Cutter’s rapid progress rides the wave of the force of the blast for a few seconds. “I know a few tricks, I’ll lose it!” Niall tries to sound confident. Karnov isn’t so sure. “A lazy drift to the left is hardly outrunning.” He scolds.

“You watch your mouth, kid. Or…..” But Karnov interrupts. “Better watch your own mouth, there’s rather a copious amount of lipstick on it!”

Niall feels faint. -And it isn’t due to a lipstick-based narcotic agent. The shockwave overtakes them, and despite a valiant effort at fading, tosses the ship over once….Twice….Three times…. All the crew suffer minor cuts and bruises; either to upper arms, or reputations, or both. The mattress in Jimmi’s cabin goes from ceiling to ceiling to ceiling to ceiling and back to ceiling before dropping to the floor in the rapidly tumbling ship. Niall leans with all his weight on the rudder bar to bring the ship about and level off. “Hold together baby!” He urges. A few seconds later, the ship rights itself and resumes level flight. Several fuses pop, and a small leak dribbles onto the front of Kory’s flight suit….Again!

“We’re okay. A little dark, and wet, but okay!”

As Rojic flutters into the cockpit, Karnov yells another warning. “Two blips on the scanner, approaching at near ludicrous speed! Alert!”

All eyes but Jimmi’s turn to the scanner. Sure enough, two large blips are approaching fast. As they ping the enemy vehicles, it is clear that the hoop-like wheels and rocket launchers are serious trouble. “Hailfire droids!” Niall warns.

Kory sees them, and adjusts the shields to double-front. She races to the computer to start on a jamming signal. Niall scans the horizon for a place to run. There are none! He shifts the joystick and the ship drifts to the left. “I know a few tricks, we’ll lose ‘em!”

Rojic is sceptical. “Some manoeuvres would be nice….”

Niall snarls at him. “Some more power would be nice…!”

“Oh, okay. I’m on it!”

Niall manages to avoid the first fourteen missiles, which whip beneath the ship close enough to reach out and touch. The last one is a bit trickier, and impacts on the underside. The resulting explosion reduces the shields to half strength. Kory desperately rebalances, and sends the jamming signal. Jimmi and Karnov are at the ship’s guns, and a volley of fire arcs toward the missiles, but to no avail. They are coming around for another attack. If one missile can reduce the shields to half, then fourteen will reduce them to atoms! Kory dumps all power available to the shields, boosting them somewhat. Karnov manages to blast three missiles from the sky. Jimmi’s shots run wide. The missiles are within yards of their position, even at full throttle. “Head for the black!” Kory yells, and slams a palm to a button on the console. A microwave signal bursts from the communication dish, and the sky is filled with detonations. From the ship and the ground, it makes an impressive firework display.

Niall levels off. Another burst of fire and re-sending the jamming signal sees off the remaining salvo. They run for the safety of space. Niall is wary of flying into a trap, however. Above them, an impressive space battle is raging. Several Republic cruisers are slugging it out with a second Lucrehulk. They decide to keep their distance, and make it look like they’re really keeping their distance. Although they’ve accounted for one of the enemy capital ships, a second in space is a different proposition. Niall asks casually “Where to people? This is the big boy’s war. We’re but a little minnow out here in the big bad pond of space.”

“You make it sound almost poetic.” Kory says all dewey-eyed for a second, before realising what Niall has actually said.

Rojic is scathing. “Yeah, Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings has nothing on you!”

They scan the charts. It’s still a few days before their rendezvous with Rose Wanderer and Knight’s Move. They also need to file a report to the Jedi command, and the Republic. “Report on the state of the conveniences….” Karnov says in a barbed comment aimed at Niall. “Report to the Jedi. Not the boy-scout-playing Padawan’s guild!”

They bicker and argue for a while until the stars become streaks and the ship enters hyperspace on route to Kashyyyk.

“I like Kashyyyk,” Niall says, “The natives are friendly, and the planet is well within Republic space. It’s just not a place if you haven’t a head for heights.”

“Well, I’m sure that there is appropriate PPE for Kashyyyk.”

They all think about this and then fall about laughing.

“That’s what we need,” Jimmi says. “A few days of downtime to hone our skills, enjoy the culture and the sights. Maybe do a bit of hunting and fishing. Relax with our most generous and accommodating hosts. It’s as near to paradise as one can get this side of Alderaan.”

“Talking of which, I’ve always thought that the third ‘a’ in Alderaan was somewhat redundant.”

Kory says, “Funny, I thought that about the second ‘y’ in Kashyyyk.”

Niall says the word without the second ‘y’…. “Kashy’yk.” He thinks back for a moment. “I think you’d better pronounce it. Otherwise one might insult the natives in the worst possible way.”

“Okay. Noted. Don’t insult the natives. They’re not to be insulted, berated, antagonised or offended.”

Rojic flutters in. “-And who’d do that to a bunch of uptight, overbearing, mangy, smelly, full-of their-own-importance, in-bred, back-birth, simpleton, tree-hugging, dumb apes?”

Niall reaches for a roll of gaffa tape. “Best to shut Rojic up for the duration of our visit. You never know what he might say!”

“I think he said most of it right there.”

Rojic is offended. “I’ve hardly started! Let me tell you that….”

Niall cuts in the sub-light engines and a short while later, Storm Cutter alights on a very high platform among the massive trees. “I can see the sea from here!” Karnov says. “And some teeny-tiny figures!”

“They’re Wookiees. And they’re usually eight to nine feet tall.” Niall tells him.

“Pfft! They look pretty small and puny to me!” Rojic cuts in. “I expect they put tiny cardboard cut-outs of Wookiees on the shoreline to make it look as though we’re miles up in the trees.”

Niall punches the button for the ramp. Even Rojic’s head spins a little at their altitude. The tree stretches far below them. As usual, there is no rail around the platform, though the walkways between trees are generously thirteen-inches across. There are several Wookiees waiting with a protocol droid. Niall grunts a greeting, gyrating his tongue around a cheese grater in the process. The Wookiees respond. “What are you telling them?” Rojic asks.

“Hello, I think!”

Rojic is not impressed. “It should sound more like mmmfm..fffmm’mf!”

The rest of his sentence is suddenly cut short by powerful hands covering his mouth. Kory waves the gaffa tape in front of him. “Be nice Rojic, or it’s the sticky side in your whiskers! –And the only way to remove it is to rip them out of your face!”

Rojic is quiet. Niall grunts a few more times and the Wookiees do too. In the end Niall’s throat needs repairing with gaffa tape.

The Wookies and a protocol droid approach. Niall does his best to greet them in their native tongue, they do their best to greet him in his. The protocol droid steps forward and does the rest.

RA-07
Pull the cord for a random insult in one of four million languages!

“The Prince welcomes you and offers a simple lean-to for the duration of your stay. He can also provide a few technicians for your ship. We welcome you to Kashyyyk, but warn you not to wander out alone. –Especially at night. -Because they mostly come at night.”

Rojic sniggers from behind the gaffa tape.

Finally he manages to ask. “Where’s the city?”

“This is the city. The Wookiees live in the trees.”

“I think we should burn them all down and build a city! With gambling dens and market traders and junk dealers…..” Rojic starts to say. Niall shushes him. “Don’t go around upsetting them. They are normally peaceful, but are quick to anger, and some are rather short tempered. A friendly Wookiee is a staunch ally, but an angry one will rip your arms off in an instant. –Or your wings!”

“Friend you say?”

“Yes.”

“That’s good. I’ve decided to be friendly.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

Rojic deflates the mood. “Because a friend is a lot cheaper than a mercenary!”

The protocol droid invites them to dinner with the Wookiee prince, whose name is ‘Garaanah.’

Rojic manages to blurt out “Grandpa Bananana!” Before his entire head disappears beneath several meters of very sticky tape.

NEXT EPISODE: "Brain damage?"

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Footnotes:

[ 59 ]   Two of the fleshies make statements that are intelligent, succinct and to the point. The third says something that is illogical and obviously shows a lack of intelligence. His error embarrasses his entire ethnic group. The others make racist slurs about his origins. They consume beverages, and soon the whole establishment is enfeebled by mild chemical poisoning.

The origin of the title "Table 'A' Damage" is a reference to the FASA   Doctor Who RPG. Sadly no longer in print, the table is a two-dice cross reference for dealing medium to lage amounts of damage from weapons.