"Coruscant Underground


Part IV"

Directed by:
Paul Burton.
&
Written by:
Anthony Hummerston.

STARRING:

Karnov,   Jimmi,   Niall,   Rojic,    Ta'alan,  Mama
And special guest stars:
Hen3ry , Joe-9T, Trio and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.
AND
Storm Cutter, their ship, all redecorated in Republic mottled green drab version: 449-1-B.

Our heroes march along the corridor of Kirin Pash’s luxury villa. As usual there is a heated difference of opinion.

Rojic is flapping crossly. “You promised me that it would be a target rich environment!”

“It was. –You were the target!”

Whatever expletives Rojic shouts back is drowned by two Z-95 Headhunters circling above. “We don’t want madame pussycat taking it on the lam do we?” Niall asks.

They enter the mistress’ chambers, pushing aside an indignant Sed Sedah.

“Caught you red-handed!” Karnov tells Pash. She merely stretches and looks bemused. “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“How about you and your team broke into the Incom research base and made off with one of their prototypes.” Mama suggests.

“Me? – Of course not. –That’s preposterous!”

“Preposterous it might be. – But look here….” Mama flips over a holo-viewer. On it can clearly be seen Pash and her cronies slicing the hangar doors and making their way inside. They are also seen shooting several guards on the way.

“No jury would convict on such flimsy evidence.” Kirin protests.

“No. No jury….” Rojic says in his best threatening tone. “But we’re desperate people. We might just hand you and a sum of money to the Hutts. They’d peg you out in the desert and leave you to dry.”

“Don’t you mean die?”

“I know what I mean.”

“I think we could possibly…..” Niall starts to say, when Pash blurts out, “They made me do it!”

She seems so convincing. She plays with the emotions – chews them up and spits them out. But Jimmi isn’t taken in, “We could start on the Jogun fruit and snozzberries….”

“Okay! Not the fruit! –I was paid to do it!”

Mama turns to the others. “There, that wasn’t so hard was it?”

“I didn’t want to!” Pash pleads, “I hate going out in the rain. All that water- very bad for the fur!”

“It won’t be so bad in a Republic prison.” Mama warns, “In fact you can go for moths without a shower….In fact, I’d recommend it.”

Pash breaks down. “I was hired to supply a ship. To arrange a diversion attack.- Just to get the techs close. –That’s all.”

“Well that isn’t so bad….” Karnov starts to say. Mama interrupts, “Except that several technicians and guards died trying to defend it.”

Kirin hangs her head. In a small voice she says, “Sorry.”

“I’m sure we can cut a deal.” Rojic says. “After all we only want the stone.” Niall adds.

Reluctantly, Pash reaches to a chain around her neck and withdraws the Star of Bestine from her cleavage.

Mama can’t help but blurt out, “Joe? Please tell me you recorded that in HD?”

“Oh yes! In slow-mo that should last about four minutes!”

He and Mama high-five, before returning to more serious business.

Pash hands the gem to Niall, who is once again struck by its beauty, its inner fire and….A tingling feeling.

“Hmmm…. I didn’t feel this before….” He muses. He turns it in his hands, opens his mind and drinks in its inner depths. “I’m wondering if this might actually be a holocron.”

“A what, a what....What?” Ta’alan asks.

“A holocron. It’s a way of storing the thoughts and emotions of long dead Jedi and scholars. Most have been destroyed, but the remaining few reside mostly in the hands of collectors or the Jedi order.

“Where are they from Master?”

“From the Infinite Empire.” Niall says profoundly.

“Never heard of them.” Ta’alan announces after a thought.

“That’s ‘coz it ended a thousand years or so ago!” Mama says, rather ironically.

Ta’alan can’t do the double-think and goes a funny colour.

“So it’s thousands of years old….” Rojic muses. Jimmi agrees. “I believe so. Maybe several thousands of years old. – Older even than Mama.”

“Even older than yo-Mama!” She retorts.

There is a pause. “What are we gonna do with her?” Karnov asks, pointing rudely.

“I suggest let the Republic deal with her. –Twenty years in a prison cell sounds about right.” Mama insists.

“What about aiding the Republic?”

“What about it? Techs died. We risked life and limb….Well Rojic’s life and limbs to get it back. She’s a separatist sympathiser….Maybe even a spy.”

“What little old me?” Pash says, -so convincingly that they all are taken in for a moment.

Jimmi snaps out of it first. “Ohh……You’re good. You almost had me believing you for a moment there!”

“I believe her.” Karnov says, adding weight to her argument. Mama is adamant. “She’s working for the seps. – She was an accomplice.”

“I think we’ve got what we came for.” Niall says, while holding the gem like a baby, “-I reckon we let her go on her own recognisance.” Pash grins like the proverbial Cheshire cat, “I promise I’ll be good….”

Mama is all for keel-hauling her all the way to Coruscant, but the others are more lenient. “I expect we’ll see her again soon….Only next time I’ll not be so forgiving!”

They alert Incom that the thief is on the island. Niall is keen to probe the inner workings of the holocron. Aboard Storm Cutter once more, he demands peace and quiet. Mama and the others exchange glances. Niall settles down with the item in the mess. The others give him a few minutes peace. Then they can’t help themselves. Like the infield closing on the wicket during a delivery in cricket, they all converge on Niall’s position. Rojic passes Mama a brown paper bag, which she inflates to a good size. She creeps up on Niall, still intent on the item on the table in front of him.

Without breaking his trance, Niall intones, “Don’t even think about it!”

Once he has concentrated on the holocron, Niall can see the inner lock and he has the key. Eventually Master Udan Orr appears as a force ghost.

“How might I assist you?” He says. Niall introduces himself. Orr offers insight into herbs and healing and horticulture.

“-Or indeed anything begging in in ‘H’ I suppose.”

“I am not one of the Constructor’s machines.” Orr tells him.

“My apologies, Master. But I might be in need of your wisdom later.”

“As you wish.”

Niall reports back. “There’s a Jedi Master in the holocron – proving its authenticity. Master Orr is on hand to provide his wisdom and knowledge.” Rojic glances at Karnov who is still trying to get the paper bag to make a popping noise. Ta’alan is looking on open mouthed.

“You see, this holocron is centuries old….Even older than Mama. – Master Orr was a Jedi from the time of the great Sith war.”

“And he’s inside the gem?” Ta’alan asks.

“Yes.”

“You see,” Mama explains, “Thousands of years ago, Jedi were a lot smaller –In Orr’s case, around about an inch high.”

“Really?” Ta’alan says, completely taken in.

“Oh yes. Really.” Mama and the others retreat with their dead-pan expressions. –They go somewhere for some privacy of their own. –Enabling them to laugh themselves silly at Ta’alan’s expense.

When Niall emerges from his room, they are but a few minutes from Florrum. “Turn this ship around!” He orders. Instead of jumping at his command, the others look at him blankly.

“We’re not returning the ‘gem’ to Hondo. It’s a rare holocron – As such it must be returned to the Jedi order.”

“Why not send a holo? After all, we’re on a tight schedule.”

Niall considers. “Okay. Hen3ry, patch us through.” Hen3ry beeps. “Priority code Killian -dash- sixty-six.”

The holo fizzes into life. Niall punches the secret code to get a hotline to the Jedi council. A moment later, the Masters assemble. Niall tells them that he has found a missing holocron.

“Hmm. Remarkable this is. Fine work you have done.”

Mama interrupts. A chance to address the council is an opportunity not to be missed. “Master Windu, why are you talking like Yoda?”

“Master Yoda to you that is.”

“Yeah. Whatever.” Mama sneers. “Boring conversation anyway!”

Windu continues, “Generals, you must return this holocron forthwith. We appreciate that it is currently a bargaining ship vital to the security of the Republic. – But we will pay handsomely for its return and compensate your client.”

“On my way, Master. Killian out.” Niall snaps off the holo.

Rojoc flaps excitedly. “We’ll tell Hondo it’s a substitution – You know like online shopping. As in 'We substituted your twenty-four vegan sausages for two pounds of prime steak.'”

“Hondo’s not gonna like it.” Ta’alan warns.

“Hondo can stick it!” Joe-9T grunts.

They return to Coruscant long enough for Niall to make the exchange. He takes in a holocron and returns with a big box of gems and jewels and a feather in his cap.

“I suppose you’d better credit Karnov too.” Jimmi says pointedly.

“Karnov….Who?”

They make for Florrum. As Storm Cutter puts down, they have a reception committee to – er…receive them.

Hondo steps forward with a big grin. “Welcome back my Jedi friends!”

“Hondo!” Mama says, cautiously stepping forward. She offers a hand to shake.

“What? No kiss for Hondo?” The pirate captain asks.

“Oh come on then,” Mama says, going in for the kiss of her life. As their lips brush one another she takes a swipe at him. The old captain is too wily and manages to dodge. Mama punches him gently on the arm. “We come bearing gifts!”

“Come inside. Let me see the star of Bestine again.”

“What? No drinks?” Rojic prompts.

“Of course! Blue milk? Bantha steaks?”

“You know me too well!” Rojic gurgles in pleasure, his mouth watering.

“Just let me take a peek at my gem.” Hondo insists, “Tell me that you did over that woman in the process.”

“Done up like a kipper!” Karnov says, “Or in Jimmi’s case, simply ‘done’”

“Delicious!” Hondo yelps, hardly keeping control of his excitement, “I want to know all the details.”

“Of Jimmi’s sordid little one-night-stand?”

Hondo screws up his face. “Maybe….Maybe not….But I sense that you are stalling.”

“We are. Truth is my wrinkly friend, we don’t have your gem.”

“What?”

“You see, it belongs to someone else….In fact it didn’t belong to Kirin Pash, nor did it belong to you before it….-As such, we have returned it to its rightful owners.”

There is a long silence. Rojic’s tummy starts to rumble.

“Then there is no deal. – And no hospitality. –We had a deal, no?”

“We did, but if the gem isn’t yours, then I say the deal wasn’t valid.” Niall explains.

“A mere technicality….We had a deal to trade the gem for the information. – I don’t recall anyone asking the provenance of the item.” Hondo says.

“I mentioned it….” Mama says, but she is ignored.

“Well goodbye….Dealbreakers. I hope your tame senator gets what he or she deserves!”

“Bye bye Hondo. I’ suppose the crate full of gems will have to go back to the ship. Joe? Take the crate back.” Niall says and turns on his heel.

To give Hondo credit, the crew are on the ramp of Storm Cutter before he relents. “Someone else’s property you say?”

“Unfortunately yes.”

“And she doesn’t have it?”

“No.” Mama reassures him, “She’ll be at the Republic’s pleasure for some time to come.”

“It was all lies about me and Aurra Sing.” Hondo admits. “Ours was a brief flirtation and a strictly business arrangement.”

“She said you had an affair.” Niall says.

“I’d rather date a poisonous snake.”

“So Pash was lying?” Jimmi asks, already knowing the answer.

“You don’t say!”

Niall is getting impatient. “So we’ll be off….With this more-than-generous remuneration….Paid for by the gem’s rightful owner.”

“But the Star of Bestine….” Hondo says whistfully.

“Oh come on. A stone by any other name is still a crystallised lattice structure.”

Mama points out that this doesn’t exactly have the same ring to it.

Niall continues. He rummages around in the box of gems and jewels. “What about this? You could give it a name….”

“And hug it and pet it and squeeze it and….Call it George!” Mama adds.

Hondo is torn. On the one hand he doesn’t want to renege on a deal. –On the other, he’s seeing a fortune walk away.

“Tell me everything.” He says.

Jimmi sits down on the sofa and pats the other side. Hondo sits. Jimmi relays the story from their landing on Fresia until they put down here on Florrum.

“Besides,” Niall warns, “Everyone who owned the Star of Bestine died.”

Ta’alan pipes up, “Coz there’s little Jedi inside and there are Sith who can track them down….-Anyone who owned it down- and kills them. -Horribly.”

“It’s true.” Niall confirms, “Everyone who ever owned it, dies.”

Hondo backtracks, “Of course, if it wasn’t actually mine….I never owned it….Technically.”

“See? Off the hook on a technicality.”

“But I found it and…”

“And here’s your reward! A finder’s fee!” Niall says.

“Besides, it wasn’t real,” Rojic adds, “Too perfect to be real.”

Hondo looks sad. “I’ll miss it.” He says sadly.

Niall runs his fingers through the fortune in the box at his feet. “I’m sure you won’t miss it too much….”

“No. I suppose I won’t. – And Pash got her just desserts?”

“Cream and strawberries and chocolate and olive oil.” Jimmi says, “All smeared over her lovely feminine feline body….”

“Ahem!” Rojic prompts.

“Before they led her away in chains.”

“Good. Good!” Hondo looks around, though apart from the crew and his gang there is no one around for thousands of miles.

Mama stands with hands on hips a the bottom of the ramp. “You know, we know a young lady who can get information out of men merely with a smile and an adjustment of her flight-suit zipper.”

“Yeah. So tell us what you know before Mama unzips her suit and shows us what she wears underneath.” Karnov threatens.

“Challabba the Hutt hired Xoxe the bounty hunter.” Hondo says hastily. “I think you’ll find that this datapad has some information that you’ll need.”

“There, that wasn’t so hard now was it?” Niall says, sliding the box of gems over to Hondo’s side of the sofa. “Everyone gets what they want!”

“There’s a Toydarian named Tyra. They have a place on Favela II- That’s in Huttspace,” Hondo tells them. “But I didn’t tell you that.”

“Tell us what?” Niall says to confirm it.

“Okay, party’s over!” Jimmi warns. They turn to go. “Sorry about the Firespray.” Mama tells Hondo, “No hard feelings.”

Hondo picks up the box. “No. –Though I expect I’ll be crying all night….On my way to the bank!”

“Farewell.” Mama gives him a big kiss.

Rojic sums up everyone’s feelings. “Eeeew!” Mama checks that she still has all her fillings.

Once on Favela II they make their way to the biggest hive of scum and villainy – Dominated by Challabba the Hutt’s palace. It is no opulent edifice – but it is big and sprawling and filled with the worst filth from around the galaxy. A little way off is a scruffy KR-TB ‘Doomtreader’ freighter. There is a town of sorts, which earns meagre breadcrumbs form the palace and Challabba’s numerous staff and hangers-on. In a corner store is a shabby watering hole called ‘Tyra’s bar’ –Though ‘Tyra’s shack’ might be more appropriate. There is no-one but Tyra there. He is a Toydarian with a temper. “Whadda you want?” Tyra says in a gruff voice.

They consider a reply. Tryra asks again in Toydarian. “Harahefet sh'eli mele'ah betzlofahim?”

Rojic answers, telling him that they want information about Challabba. Tyra spits on the floor. “That stinking Hutt took everything I had. My drinks by bar, my girls….Everything!”

“So if I told you that these two fine upstanding Jedi generals of the Republic want to speak to him….And set him right on a few things….”

“Impossible. –Security is too tight. No-one goes into or out of the palace unless it’s authorised. He’s a Hutt, but he’s no fool. He’s also been raiding shipping along the border with Republic space. – Hijacking transports and stealing cargoes.”

“What about the crews?”

“Best not to ask.”

“And how might we get authorisation?” Mama asks with her hand dangerously near her flightsuit zipper.

Tyra is about to say something when his only customer comes in. Morn is a little man with a very dry throat. Everyone in the bar that knows him calls out, “Morn!”

Tyra explains further, “So getting into the palace isn’t as simple as strolling in. You’d need to find a back-door. Luckily these old places are full of holes beneath the waterline….If you catch my drift.”

“A back door!” Rojic says, “Sneaky!”

“Through the Rancor caves no doubt.” Mama warns.

“Once we’re in, we could pose as traders.” Rojic says. “I happened to take a good look at what Challabba was dealing in. I’m sure just about anything will go, but feeding all the flunkies is easier than feeding the boss. – After all there’s only one of him.”

“Okay, so food, wines, brandy, a few of those baubles that you’ve been making up.” Karnov says, musing on the issue.

“I wouldn’t know anything about faking jewellery….” Rojic splutters.

“Like this fake Damind-crystal brooch, or Corusca gem earrings?”

“Okay! Okay!”

Tyra helps them gain access to the palace. They brazen their way through some of the lesser minions and soon come to the chief flunky.

“Me wanna wonga!”

Rojic passes over some credits. It doesn’t help. “I will not take you to see Challabba.” The flunky tells him.

“I want my credits back!” Rojic protests.

“They were mine. You took them from the pocket of my robe!”

Joe-9T steps out from behind the stack of crates he is carrying. He makes a gesture, pointing with two fingers at the chief flunky’s eyes and then to his own. He then unlimbers Sarah-Jane and stares.

“I will take you to Challabba now.” The chief says in a monotone.

“That never gets old!” Joe-9T chortles to himself.

They are led to a crowded audience chamber. There are several dozen lieutenants and various hangers-on surrounding a raised platform upon which the disgusting form of Challabba the Hutt rests. Ta’alan peels off and loses himself in the crowd. Several naked Twi’lek girls are dancing, several mercenaries are chatting and various deals and threats are going on.

Niall stiffens when a platinum blonde woman turns to see what the fuss is about. – The Balosar woman! Next to her is a taller, darker woman, who could be the Corellian. –Ta’alan soon sees the diminutive form of the Kushiban under one of the tables. He freezes.

Before the Balosar woman can exclaim “You!” Challabba calls for silence.

“Whatto-do du-noo you-noo idiotoo do inso-meeso palasso?”

“Almighty Challaba. We bring exotic foodstuffs from around the galaxy – for trade and profit.”

“Mwa-ha-ha-hah-ah-ha! Andoo whatoo givooo-doo du ritoo-do-todoo-traydahh-too- du to-doo mee-oh?”

“May I say something?” Joe-9T asks. Rojic nods.

“Cozdoo me taykadoo du my-ah rifalator ando du pew-pew and your-a gonn-ah -ah facsimilatoo de oh de whale-de blubber-oo alltoo desplatadoo – du smear-ey-aya-reeley horribii- yukkipoo all owvoo du wall-o du! Kapishado?”

The Hutt considers. “Ando you-do and who-du’ss clona-armee-do?”

Joe-9T unlimbers His gun again.

“Mey'ando Sarah-Jaynn-do.”

“Ho! Ho! Ho!”

“I’d recognise that lugh anywhere!” Jimmi says.

“What Father Chrismas?” Mama asks.

“Shh!” Karnov hisses.

“It’s true!” Rojic protests, “Besides, this stuff is close to priceless!”

“Preeyyassa du?”

“For the lot? –Oh I’d say about fifty credits.”

“Du crata-doo?”

“Do Bottle-doo.”

“Poodoo!”

Rojic isn’t flustered. “We also have Terenthacite for Hyperdrives!”

“Poodoo!” Challabba breaks into stilted Basic. “Poodoo! Republic spies!”

There is a murmur that does a Mexican wave around the room. When it gets back to the Hutt, Ta’alan can hear the Balosar and Correlian girls talking.

“It’s them. From Kamino. I recognise them! A scruffy Jedi and the fishy one!”

At some unseen signal, several of the non-combatant types melt into the corners and booths. Other fighting types come to the front. Niall and Karnov instinctively put their hands near their concealed lightsabres. Mama, Rojic and Ta’alan also have hands hovering over their blasters.

“Ho! Ho! Ho!” Challabba gurgles to himself. A Devaronion pulls a woman out of the crowd. He puts a blaster to her head. It takes a second to recognise her in the gloom. –It’s the girl from Whisper’s bar back on Coruscant.

“The girl who ratted us out to the gang…No doubt.” Mama seethes. “Go ahed and shoot her!”

“And lose all my bargaining power? What do these Jedi think?”

At the sound of the word ‘Jedi’, everything becomes tense in the room.

“We think that you have been stealing from the Republic.” Niall says defiantly.

“So?”

“So we are also here to reclaim Republic property.”

“-And?” Challabba says again.

“And it wasn’t a trade mission that enabled you to take it.”

“So?”

“So…. It isn’t a trade mission to retrieve it!”

Challabba pauses to think. Everything is tense.

“Well the Republic stole from me!” He says after a while.

“Oh?”

Challabba holds up a datapad. On it is a picture of a woman – an exotic dancer of some kind.

“She was stolen!”

“Who by?”

“By herself! She stole herself!” Challabba explodes in rage.

“At least you’ve been done over by one of the best.” Rojic says hurredly, hoping that Challabba’s slim grasp of Basic doesn’t catch it. “-That’s Kory!”

“It is?”

“Look!”

Sure enough, under the makeup and the skimpy clothes (and the snake) it is unmistakably Kory. Rojic’s mind races. “She belonged to Tyra!” He whispers to the others. “That’s what this is all about!” The Devaronian chuckles to himself.

Niall tries to defuse the situation. “We are people of peace….Give us what we came for…..Or on your head be it!”

The Devaronian shoots the waitress in the shoulder. “Next time it’ll be her head!”

Challabba laughs throatily.

Mama barks an order. “Joe? Chap with horns? Twenty rounds rapid!”

The chamber fills with blaster bolts and the hum of lightsabres. The fight is on!

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Footnotes: None today. You may go about your business.