"The Hero of Karkoon. Part III"

Written & directed by:
Anthony Hummerston.

STARRING:

Karnov,   Jimmi,   Niall,   Rojic,    Ta'alan,  Mama
And special guest stars:
Hen3ry , Joe-9T, Trio and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.
AND
Storm Cutter, their ship, all redecorated in Republic half-mottled ocean-grey version: 49901-9-F7G. (Snow Viz)

“Quarrania. – The land of the Quarren.” Karnov says.

“Eh?”

“The land of the Quarren. –Or should I say the planet of the Quarren?”

“So,” Jimmi wants to know, “Is there a plural to Quarren?”

“Um…” Karnov isn’t sure. “I think it might be simply ‘Quarren’”

“-And….” Jimmi asks, “They all live on Quarren?”

“-The mystical place called Quarrania….” Rojic reminds them.

Niall takes a deep breath. In his best ‘superior Jedi’ voice, he says, “Okay, discussion over.”

“What?”

Niall elaborates. “Only it seems that every time there is a chance for action, we end up faffing about.”

“Faffing? What’s faffing?” Kima asks.

“The thing you do when you start stupid arguments, get the conversation derailed, elaborate endlessly on a point of trivia, or generally procrastinate.”

“Oh I’m very discreet,” Rojic tells them. “I only procrastinate in my cabin –with the door closed….And a box of tissues.”

“Not that! Niall wails, “Procrastinate….to waste time needlessly while putting off until later the very thing that you could be doing now!”

“Such as?” Joe-9T asks.

“Such as we’re nearly twenty lines into the write-up and we haven’t DONE ANYTHING YET!”

“So what do you suggest?” Ta’alan asks, getting bolder by the day by not adding, “Master?”

“Well,” Niall looks around, “The padawan is finished, we should get him out of the bacta tank.”

“I was wondering what that beeping was. –He must be done!”

They do whatever it is to get a body out of a Bacta tank. One imagines that it involves a crane and a winch, although it is just as likely to involve pumping the bacta into a holding reservoir and stepping out of the tank – like a walk in – or indeed out- shower.

Karnov looks a little disappointed – She puts away her fishing rod.

The padawan is looking a lot better for having his wounds healed and the poisons in his body purged. He sits there in a yummy-sushi towel (Karnov’s) and coughs and hiccups the occasional pineapple flavoured hiccup.

They faff around a bit and then ask him some more pertinent questions – where he is from, who his master is and what his fight with the champion was like.

“We were nabbed on a transport out of Bothwai. – The huts have snatch-and-grab ships that shred shields and then force a ‘surrender or be destroyed’ option.

“Nabbed by the Hutts.” Rojic says, “That must be painful.”

Ta’alan can see that the bacta hasn’t completely healed the padawan. As a gesture of goodwill he offers to lay-on-hands and help the recovery. “Master?” he asks Niall for approval and remembering his manners. Niall merely nods.

“So what do you know of Zabki?” Karnov asks.

“There was nothing in the force- I was fairly sure of that. – Though my knowledge is limited.”

“Didn’t you do Force 101 at the academy?” Niall asks.

“Yes….But….” Tig starts to say, but Karnov interrupts with, “101?? I didn’t even get that far. I’m still to pass Force 10.”

“But 101 is the basics, the rudimentary, merely the simplest introduction to a subject.”

Jimmi speaks up. “That’s why my massage parlour was Room 101.”

“I hear that you were quite rudimentary with that bounty-hunter.”

“Is that what they’re calling it now?” Rojic has to ask.

“Faffing!” Niall reminds them.

Tig the padawan continues, “So I ran a few scans. I suspected that Zabki and the sisters were somehow linked – possibly through the force. –But his midichlorian levels and indeed theirs weren’t elevated. –But during a fight the levels changed slightly – In the sisters more than the champion. I needed some more advice – and went to the doctor here in the palace. He seemed friendly enough and offered to help in my research. The next thing I know, I’m unconscious in a cell, then dragged into the arena. – I tried everything I know, but couldn’t wear Zabki down enough. He gave me a beating for my trouble…..And I’ve been in the cell for a month or so.”

“-And what did the doctor think?”

“He ran some tests. He seemed to think that the midichlorians were not being ‘channelled’ as one would as a force user – but somehow consumed. – Almost as if their destruction was powering the miraculous regeneration of the champion.”

“Destroying midichlorians,” Ta’alan asks, “That’s a bad thing, right?”

Niall and Karnov aren’t sure. “The science is still in its infancy….Even now.”

“Where is the research now?” Jimmi asks.

“I’m guessing that the doctor still has it.”

“Is this the Duros that everyone loves to treat in awe – and silence when he takes a stroll?” Rojic says.

“That’s the one.”

Niall is not at home to mister faff. “I think we’d better give this doctor a house-call –or indeed a taste of his own medicine.”

“Don’t we need an appointment?” Ta’alan asks.

“I think he works pro bono.” Jimmi says. He’s a medical man not a general practitioner.”

Rojic sniggers. “I had a pain in my pro bono. I had to take these big pills….”

Ta’alan has to ask – and ask a second before Karnov. “What’s a pro bono?”

“We’ll tell you when you’re older.” Jimmi says, “By then I’m sure I can massage it away. –For a fee.…Or indeed for free!”

They decide to go and see the doctor. The doctor is busy. There are three orderlies and a protocol droid in the ‘reception’ area, although in a cavern that resembles an archway under a viaduct, the reception is basically that – three people and a droid telling them what to do.

“The doctor is in surgery at the moment. – You can’t see him.” The droid says.

“I can’t see him anyway.” Jimmi replies.

“I can see him.” Karnov says, “At least, I can determine shapes behind this screen of frosted glass.”

Jimmi looks using the force. Sure enough there are people behind the glass, one on an operating table and a figure standing by it.

“You cannot go in there. The doctor is busy.” The droid reiterates. Ta’alan decides to provide a distraction. “I say old droid, I have a pain in my pro bono…..”

Jimmi tries to shatter the glass by singing the note that shatters glass. A horrible shrill sound echoes around the room, but the glass remains intact. A second horrible shrill sound echoes around the room as the others shriek in pain. – But the glass still doesn’t break.

The orderlies start approaching with guns. “Out!” one says.

Karnov has decided to as she is told and waits. She picks up a copy of National Oceanographic and starts looking for pictures of scantily clad native mermen.

“You know that magazine is quite recent – only….” Rojic flips up the cover, “Forty nine B.B.Y.”

“It’ll be having its silver anniversary in the waiting room before too long then!” Jimmi jokes, “-And that’s one hell of a wait!”

The orderlies advance. Karnov and Rojic are showing pictures to one another. The orderlies threaten the others. Niall tries the door.

“The doctor is in surgery. You can’t go in there!” One of the orderlies tells him, waving a gun. Jimmi and Niall have the same thought. A moment later and both the guns are wrenched form the orderlies’ hands and rest in the hands of our heroes. Ta’alan draws his blaster too. “Now down on the ground! Now!”

The Weequay are not going to win this one. “Okay! Okay!” They put up their hands and lie on the ground. Niall punches the button on the door, which slides aside. There are four technicians inside. Niall covers them with a blaster. Karnov gets up close to them and makes sure they don’t try any funny stuff. “Don’t try any funny stuff.” She tells them.

“There was a Toydarian, a Rodian and a Sith lord, and they go into a bar….” One of the techs says.

“I said ‘No funny stuff!’”

The technician pipes down. The punchline dies right there.

The doctor is hunched over an operating table. A projector above the table emits a green glow – which they assume is some kind of sterile screen. The Nagai from the earlier fight lies unconscious on the slab. His arms are opened up, showing nerves and sinews and tendons. Some have been replaced by fine silvery wires. Karnov is shocked at the barbarity. “Stop this abomination!” She orders.

The doctor isn’t swayed. “I’m busy! Out!”

Karnov lights up her lightsabre to press her point.

Jimmi taps over with the white stick. Niall covers the technicians. Rojic and Ta’alan edge forward to peer through the door.

Jimmi is incensed. “Tell me….” Jimmi says, accenting each syllable with the taping of the cane, “In words of one syllable….What you are doing.”

Make….Him….Well….Me….Fix.” The doctor says, slowly.

Karnov retorts, “No….You….Are….Not.”

Niall asks, “Why are we all talking like children?”

The doctor is still in a position to threaten. “This patient is in a sterile screen. He is linked to a pain suppressor….It would be an excruciating tragedy to abandon him….SO LEAVE!”

They appear to be in a Mexican standoff. Our heroes don’t want the doctor to continue his gruesome experimentation, nor do they want the Nagai to suffer any more. Jimmi has an idea.

Karnov has spotted a technician move something in his pocket. Karnov instinctively moves away. She then demands that the technician stops what he is doing. There is a tense moment as Karnov puts her long fingers into the pocket. She withdraws something about the size and shape of a lipstick – Though a quick examination shows it to be a stimulant pack – or more likely a narcotic injector.

“On the floor!” Karnov barks at the technicians. They comply.

As they do so, Jimmi takes advantage of the distraction and uses the force to fling the doctor away from the operating table. The doctor is pinned to the back wall.

Niall paces to the operating table. The Nagai is in a poor way, though not conscious or critical. The mess of flesh and wires in his arms is a grim sight.

The doctor coughs. “What….Do you….Want?”

Jimmi can’t think of a blood-curdling threat, and says lamely, “Stop torturing patients!” It takes a force of will to stop from saying “Please?”

“Not….Torture….” The doctor says between gasps.

“Stop modding them then!”

They ask the doctor about Zabki.

“Know nothing….Observations….Unfinished and inconclusive.”

Karnov frowns. “In conclusive….Where’s that?”

Jimmi’s dictionary voice kicks in, sounding informative – though this is far from Jimmi’s intention. “Conclusive….Somewhere over the great fold….And indeed possibly over the rainbow –with a cuckoo- as well.”

Ta’alan and Rojic appear at the doorway.

Ta’alan senses this is a heist of sorts. “Okay mister flappy….Check the drawers.”

Rojic stares at him in incomprehension.

“Flappy….Drawers…Look for stuff….Like the padawn’s notes….”

“Okay, but what’s with the ‘flapy?”

Ta’alan is exasperated, “You want me to start yellin’ your name?”

“Guess not.”

Jimmi has a thought and starts to get busy with a writing stick and a piece of paper. On the paper is written: “Back in five minutes….Owner being beaten.” Jimmi pins it to the door of the doctor’s lab. Almost before Jimmi can get back inside, some wag has added ‘Make it ten!’ to the note.

They don’t want the doctor to observe them going through his drawers. For that reason, Karnov approaches the dastardly Duros and injects him with the narcotic. A few seconds later the doc is sleeping like a big blue baby.

“Can we do anything for this poor man?” Niall asks, looking at the Nagai.

“Beyond me, I’m afraid….” Rojic says, “Though with a piece of coke; a death-stick paper and a roll of tinfoil, I’m sure we can tune him in to Radio Ord Mantell!”

Karnov comes over to look. “I’m no surgeon, but I’m guessing that a three-foot band aid and an aspirin aren’t going to help much.”

“No wonder, Watson!”

“No wonder Watson? What is that?”

“A way of saying ‘no Senth-Herf-Isk-Trill, Sherlock!’”

“Ah…. I understand.” Ta’alan says, not understanding a bit, “But why Watson?”

“‘Coz Watson was the doctor. –Stupid!”

They are unsure what to do. None of them have medical skills to patch up the Nagai and they are reluctant to let the doctor anywhere near him.

“Why not Contact Mama?” Rojic suggests, “She’s always offering to patch us up…. She has some skill in surgery if I remember.”

“Do it!” Niall commands. Rojic picks up a holo and patches it through. Mama asks for the details – such as they can give over a holocommunicator. Mama asks about the anaesthesia and the equipment. Rojic and Niall fil her in on the details.

“I have some instructions.” Mama says.

“Is it going be really complicated?” Niall asks, with trepidation.

“I can give it to you in captain-dummy talk.”

“Um….Okay.”

“Good,” Mama tells them. “Disconnect everything except the sterile screen and the pain suppressor. There’ll be a battery backup somewhere in the table in case of power failure. Wheel the patient to the ship. –Then plug him back in. – In the meantime find some Ketohexital –you’ll find it in ampoules. Grab as many forty-milligrams as you can carry – Then plug one into the drip every hour. If his heart rate drops, then ease off the dose in ten minute steps until it levels. Then keep at that rate. –Other than that, that’s all there is to it. –When we regroup, I’ll put him back together.”

“Thanks, that it?” Niall says.

“Yup.”

“Good.”

“Gotta go, things happening! See you soon!” Mama signs off.

Karnov is in a commanding mood. “You heard the captain, let’s move out!”

They start wheeling the patient out. “What about the doctor?” Jimmi asks.

“Simple!” Karnov says, spinning on a heel and jabbing the doctor with the narcotic. “Jimmi, you can let go now!”

Jimmi complies. The doctor drops to the floor and slumps in an untidy heap. “Are we just gonna leave him?”

“No. For what he’s done….He’s going to spend a few years in a prison cell!”

“But this is Huttspace.” Rojic protests. “What the Hutt says, goes. You can’t go stealing his staff….However dubious and despicable they are.”

“Is the Hutt here?” Jimmi asks ‘looking’ around.

“Well….No.”

“So we’re just borrowing him, the Hutt isn’t here to object, so….It’s a fair game.”

Rojic thinks. “Out-Hutting the Hutt….I like what you did there!”

Niall starts to leave. Something is bugging him – Something more than Rojic.

“Okay….What about the padawan’s notes?”

“What about them?”

“He gave some research to the doctor, before being nabbed and put in the arena. – To face the champion, then ended up drugged in a cell. I’m thinking this research might yet be useful.”

Rojic flits about looking in cupboards and drawers. In the end he finds a datapad and a little gizmo that scans for midichlorians. He is about to shut the drawer when something catches his eye. He almost drops the sensor, and in doing so uses the distraction to cover the fact that he has slipped a torch-like object into his satchel.

“Ahem!” Niall coughs theatrically.

“What?”

“What was that?”

“What was what?” Rojic says in his best innocent voice.

“You slipped a hand into your satchel.”

“I was looking for something to wipe my fingers.” Rojic lies, badly.

“Hand it over!” Niall demands. Rojic is about to hand over a wet-wipe when he realises that he doesn’t have any. In the end he holds up the object –It is metallic, bound in leather in the middle with a belt-ring and a button to press. – A lightsabre!

Niall uses the force to snatch it from Rojic’s grip. He attaches it to his belt and turns to go. Rojic says something very rude to himself. The others bundle the doctor onto the trolley, and trundle it back to the ship, with Rojic fuming and flapping forlornly at the back.

The palace has a peculiar atmosphere as they return. There is a state of ready tension. “It’s like the place is on alert.” Ta’alan says, his spider-senses tingling. “Just your imagination padawan.” Niall tells him, though he too is not so sure.

Back at the ship, there is someone waiting for them. Klara is propping up a stanchion with a Cheshire cat grin. “Something’s going on.” She says.

Ta’alan is first to say, “Yes –between you and Jimmi!”

“I noticed it too….Maybe we should discuss it….In my room….” Jimmi offers, with a dinner-lit candle for two.”

“Isn’t that candle-lit dinner?”

“You’ve obviously never had a sample of Trio’s cooking. She can make baked Alaska with boiling ice-cream and raw meringue!”

Klara giggles, but then pulls a face.

“Funny that she’s standing at the edge of the sentry gun range.” Niall says.

“Not really….”

Klara clarifies what she is thinking, “I think you should meet someone. I also think that you aren’t one of the regular visitors.”

Niall tries to brush it off, “Of course we are….”

“Oh, so the defence guns blowing up, the comms relays going down….”

“That was a coincidence.”

Klars continues, “You come here to the arena where the champion sweeps all aside….Yet you don’t challenge him….”

“Not the fighting type.” Rojic insists.

Warming to the theme, Klara goes on. “Then I look in on the cells. The guards are gone….Or rather, locked in one of their own cells….Then you rescue two of the prisoners, and parade them in front of the others. –But not just any two – A Jedi padawan and a clone trooper. –Then I find that you’ve waltzed into the doctor’s operating theatre – and indeed his operation and emerge not with a prescription, but with a fighter on an operating trolley and an unconscious doctor.”

They can hardly deny it. Our heroes are a little nervous, unsure where this is leading.

Klara goes for the jugular. “I have a feeling that you’re wanted men….And ladies….And Jimmi.”

“I’m quite popular –always in demand, me.” Niall says.

“So popular – that there’s a blockade whirling around the planet like scalded Geonisians. –Care to enlighten me?”

“We’re in a spot of bother – With Challabba.” Jimmi says in the end, guessing that Klara has worked this out for herself. “Once the Comms are up, we’re as good as dead – unless we pull something out of the hat….”

Klara thinks for a second. “Maybe….” She giggles a little, “Maybe I know someone that can help. Someone right here in the palace. –A smuggler – A captain….A scoundrel. –You’d like him….Maybe.”

Karnov is suspicious, “Who is this captain?”

“Forrd Brammah. –But his nickname is ‘Captain Maybe.’”

Niall shrugs. “I guess an ally in a tight spot is worth a minute.”

Klara flips over a holo. “No funny stuff.” Niall warns.

Klara clicks it on. “Okay captain. –We’re on!”

A few minutes later a number of people arrive. There is a Mon Calamari captain and his first officer. The rest are a motley bunch of humans and aliens. The two Mon Calamari wave the others back and approach with caution. Rojic obligingly turns off the sentry guns. The two stop at the bottom of the ramp.

The captain says, “Maybe I can help you….For a price.”

Captiain Maybe

Karnov isn’t so sure she likes the tone of his voice. She shoots Jimmi a glance and whispers, “So this is the captain….But what is Klara’s angle?”

Before Jimmi can say anything about doing geometry in school, the captain starts talking again.

“Maybe we should sort something out first. Maybe I noticed something going on with my cargo. – The one that was delivered….”

Niall is impassive. His face doesn’t move a muscle. The captain goes on, “Maybe I watched it being unloaded, then maybe it went around the palace in a big loop….And then maybe it ended up….Let me see….Here!”

“What was in this cargo….Exactly?”

“Maybe it was the usual things, slave collars, death-sticks, stims in all colours of the rainbow…Spice, guns…..”

“-And you think it accidentally ended up here do you?” Rojic asks, trying to sound innocent.

“Maybe you thought I wouldn’t notice?”

The first officer wants a word with the captain. They withdraw a few steps and have a brief conversation. When they get back to the bottom of the ramp, Rojic starts to justify his theft, “You know ripping off the Hutts is always such good clean fun….”

“Maybe you didn’t cut us in.” The captain says, accusingly.

“But….”

“But nothing!” The first officer blurts out, and in a swift move, draws a blaster and shoots Rojic, who lets out a yelp. Our heroes are caught off guard – and don’t have time to congratulate the assailant. Karnov leaps the length of the ramp, swats the blaster to one side, clunks the officer on the head with the hilt of the lightsabre and puts the blade threateningly across the Mon Calamari’s throat, where it hums menacingly. Two sets of eyes glare at one another.

Two of the other crewmen come running up with blasters drawn. Niall ignite his lightsabre, and Ta’alan readies both his guns. Jimmi catches the crewmen in a whirlwind and they spin there for a minute unable to resist. A third crouches to fire, but is hit by Klara who pings a shot into his chest at long range. An explosive dart swooshes toward the crewman, but misses. “Maybe you should stand down!” The captain barks at his first officer, who grimaces, but then complies. A blaster is dropped to the floor. The other crewmen also comply and put away their weapons.

“Hutt minions ripping off other Hutt minions, while the good guys and the bad guys keep changing place....” Niall muses, “This makes as much sense as Pludonian hyper-chess.”

Ta’alan goes to heal Rojic, who is muttering something under his breath. The captain is still crouching –holding his side for some reason – and sues for peace.

“Maybe we can negotiate. I see you are people of some resource….And maybe no love for the Hutts.”

“What are you proposing?” Jimmi wants to know.

“Maybe I could put your ship….Into my cargo hold. –I have the reputation and the codes to smuggle you through the blockade.”

“Now there’s an exit strategy!”

“One condition.” The first officer says, “No Quarren.”

“What?” Karnov almost yelps.

“No Quarren. We can take the others, their passengers and our….Their cargo. But the Quarren stays behind.”

“Why?”

“Principles.”

“What about a price? There must be something that can persuade you. A thousand….and the pick of the cargo….” Rojic offers.

“No. No deal. Unless the Quarren stays put here.”

“But why?”

“Principles.”

Niall looks at the others. Their looks mirror his mood. “Then there is no deal. Negotiations are over!”

The captain gives him a look that says, “?”

Niall stands firm. “Maybe you don’t understand the concept of loyalty.”

“Maybe. We are leaving.” With that the captain rises and gathers his men. They stalk off back into the palace. The captain calls, “Maybe we’ll meet again!”

Karnov calls out, “I hope not!”

Ta’alan patches up Rojic, who despite his howling isn’t badly hurt. Karnov heals herself just to press home a point. Niall looks around at the motley crew that he as accrued in the last few hours. “Time for four more.” He says, rather alliteratively.

They leave the strays with Kima Venn and proceed out onto the promenade again. They are given a bit more room now. “Word might have got out about the doctor.” Rojic says, “I hope they come and thank us….And give us money.”

“Always thinking with your wallet!”

They call on the Rattataki girls. Djinmargo answers the door. “Oh. It’s you!” She says.

“Is Zabki in?”

“He’s resting, would you like me to get him?”

“Yes please.”

Our heroes are left standing in the room. Djinmargo brings Zabki back a moment later.

“Do I know these people?” He asks, rubbing his eyes and straightening his dressing gown.

“You don’t. But we’re editors for the fanzine dedicated to you.” Jimmi offers.

“I doubt that!” Zabki counters, “So what is it? Are you here to make a challenge? –In person?”

“No. We’re offering you a way out. –How long have you been here?”

“About six months.”

Karnov wants to know how his powers came about. “When did you discover your ‘talent?’”

“About six months ago.”

“When you met these girls?”

“About that time yes. I got into a few fights – As one does on the frontier. I suddenly seemed to have a knack for winning.”

“So what are your plans?” Niall asks. “Surely not live here and fight forever?”

“Oh I expect I’ll get bored of living life in luxury and leave.” Zabki says.

“You do realise that the Hutts won’t allow you to leave?” Niall says.

“Not while you make money for them.” Rojic says, pressing the point.

“So….?”

“So,” Niall offers, “We can take you back with us. To the Republic. We’ll see that you are treated well.”

“-And the price?”

“We can do it for free.”

“-And the girls?”

“They can come too.” Niall says, his throat suddenly going dry. “Say, is there any tea?”

“I can get you some.” Djinmargo offers.

“I like Hut henchman tea.” Niall tells her. She turns and with a look, asks for an explanation. “Made the Weequay!” Niall says. He and Jimmi bump fists.

“There’s money to be made in the Republic.” Jimmi tells Zabki. “I’m sure with your unique skillset you could be useful – After all there is a war on.”

“Yes I heard that. –On Radio Ord Mantell….But I don’t know….”

“We could make a lot of money.” Rojic whispers in his ear, then he asks in a normal voice, “You’re not with the doctor are you?”

“No….Why?”

Rojic’s mind is suddenly racing. –What if the doctor had found the secret of Zabki’s power from the padawan – Then had the young man silenced – in order to….

“In order to what?” Ta’alan asks, almost reading Rojic’s thoughts.

“In order to stop Zabki in his tracks….After making lots of money betting on him, then suddenly switching and betting against…..That’s what I would do!”

Zabki weighs his options. “Okay. You’ve not convinced me, but I’m willing to take a chance on you lot being on the level. It was only a matter of time before the doctor found a contender I couldn’t beat….Or maybe made sure I couldn’t beat.” Zabki looks around. “I hope you have the five-star, red-carpet, canapés and champagne reception waiting for me.”

“Of course,” Rojic says, “Just checking, but have you seen the inside of our ship? -It’s the last word in luxury!”

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Footnotes: Alternative title: A lot of faffing....Trying to avoid the obvious.!