"Out Of the Woods:"


A.K.A. Run and Gun."

Written & directed by:
Paul Burton.

STARRING:

Karnov,   Jimmi,   Niall,   Rojic,    Ta'alan,  Mama
And special guest stars:
Hen3ry , Joe-9T, Trio and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.
AND
Storm Cutter, their ship, all redecorated in Republic half-mottled sea-grey version: 49901-9-7FG. (Slow Viz)

Karnov helps the unconscious Klara (another ‘K’ - I blame the writers) onto the sofa as Kory ushers the passengers into the lounge. She skips the customary safety talk as she is not sure how Zabki will react to the discussion of ‘floatation devices.’ Besides it looks like more eager claimants for the substantial reward for their heads are heading their way, possibly with heavy weapons. So with a quick “Strap yourselves in, this could be a bumpy ride!” She dashes off to the cockpit and settles into the Captain’s well-padded chair. Niall and Ta’alan rush off to the bathrooms, figuring there is time for a quick whiz before the ship makes its quick whiz to orbit. Unfortunately they then discover that the locks appear to be stuck. Knowing that Mama is very particular about damage to the ship and privacy in the head they choose not to lightsabre the locks off of cut holes in the doors. Niall elects to have a shave as he is heading for a meeting with Chancellor Palpatine, that very nice man, and wants to make a good impression. Ta’alan finds a left behind make-up box and, unsure of its purpose, chooses the empirical method.

Kory powers up the engines, the vibrations from the engines throb through the ship, causing a thrilling tingle through the seat and tiller. No wonder Mama never liked to hand over the controls! She sets maximum burn and the ship blasts up into the starlit sky. A quick check on the sensors shows several ships on intercept course.

“We’re coming up on their sentry ships, man your stations and may the force be with you.” No-one argues with Kory when she gets all commanding, Karnov and Joe-9T might have quibbled with being asked to ‘man’ anything but say nothing. The Assassin droid is happy to be told to blast spaceships into molten slag, while Karnov doesn’t realise the gendered nuances of Basic until much later. They race to the turrets and plug into the gunnery computers, Karnov via a headset, Joe-9T through his universal interfacing adaptor. “Oh yes!” Echoes through the ships control circuitry. “Hen3ry,” Adds Kory, “Plot a course for Coruscant.” Jimmi stands forlornly in the lounge (since Storm Cutter has no lawn), sad to be left out of any chance of a fight and wondering how to contribute to the upcoming battle. Jimmi decides to sing the ‘Battle Hymn of the Republic’ to bring heart to the crew. “Quick! Pass the cheese!” Says an unknown voice.

Ahead of them are Three pairs of SoroSuub Cutlass fighters, part of Challabba’s system defence force and a Mandalmotors ‘Pursuer’ class police cutter, very popular with bounty hunters and packing a heavy ion cannon

Cutlass

“Bandits at 10 through 2 O’Clock!” Kory reports.

Cutter

“That’s okay then,” Says Karnov, “It’s only just past breakfast time!”

“Let’s get them before they get us!” Kory cries, as she banks the ship left, straight towards the nearest fighters at maximum speed. Karnov and Joe-9T send a barrage of long range fire in the direction of the lead fighter. Multiple hits pummel it, knocking out its weapon systems before a final shot from Joe-9T results in it exploding in a bright orange fireball. Unfortunately Storm Cutter is too far away to execute a victory roll through the dissipating cloud. “I got one!” Cries an exultant Karnov. “Great kid, don’t get cocky!” Utters the deadpan droid. After all, he is centuries, possibly even millennia, old so even Master Yoda might be considered a kid. Several fighters make attack runs on Storm Cutter but fail to hit.

Joe-9T and Karnov let rip at the fighters now at close range, completely failing to hit anything but a forlorn space beacon. “They’re coming in too fast!” Karnov cries, desperate to explain why she and Joe-9T are suddenly unable to hit ships right on top of them when there were so effective at maximum range. Joe-9T cuts back, “It’s not like shooting women and children. -You have to lead them more!”

Despite concentrating on the sounds of battle raging outside the ship Jimmi still manages to spot a Rodian sneaking out of the cargo hold, blaster in hand. “I wonder how he got on-board?” Jimmi thinks.

Flashback Scene (cut from last week’s episode to avoid spoilers)

Klara is standing at the bottom of Storm Cutter’s ramp, waiting for the crew to deliver her promised ride out of Hutt employment when a Rodian and some technicians start rolling a large box towards the ship. “This ain’t gonna be good….” She mutters before letting rip with everything in her considerable arsenal, aided by the sentry guns. The team are protected by a powerful shield generator which they push under the ship. Klara retreats, easily rolling away from the fire of the sentry guns before the techs hit the big red button on top of the box. The shield expands, hitting everything in its path with a stunning bolt of energy, knocking out Klara and causing Hen3ry, Trio and the ship to reboot. With all systems and people down, the Rodian goes to check the ship, finds the Duros, nicknamed ‘Doctor Deth’ and revives him. The sounds of approaching blaster fire indicate that they have little time. They confer briefly before the Rodian hides in the cargo hold and the Doctor quickly alters the controls of the life support systems keeping Bricks and the Nagai warrior in comfortable stasis before lying down on the stretcher and closing his eyes, apparently still sedated.

The Rodian hears the crew come aboard and Niall and Ta’alan heading for the heads. Taking a moment to lock and bar the doors, he sneaks towards the lounge, ready to take the ship and claim the reward….

“Oota goota Jimmi.” Mutters the Rodian. Jimmi calls upon the force to spin the Rodian round, however there is not enough enough force to lift the froth from an espresso, let alone an angry Rodian. The Rodian responds with blaster fire, missing Jimmi but striking the youngest of the Rattataki sisters squarely in the back, seriously wounding her. Maynii cries out in pain. Jimmi draws a blaster ready to respond. Djinmargo’s eyes flash in anger at the sound.

Having recalibrated the range on their targeting computers, Karnov and Joe-9T let fly. Karnov severely damages one fighter, ionising its targeting systems. It is still in the fight though. Joe-9T screams “Die! Die! Die!” As he punches the red button on the gun control and blasts the shields and a substantial amount of hull from another.

Jimmi’s blaster speaks twice; two hits! But the Rodian still has plenty of fight left in him. Another blast sounds behind Jimmi, Deth has stunned the second sister while Djinmargo sucks the life from the Midichlorians and begins the healing process on Maynii. She is out of danger but still walking wounded. For some reason Jimmi cannot summon enough force to upend the Rodian. Bricks and the Nagai stir then start screaming as the light and sound of battle jars their fragile senses.

With fighters all around Joe-9T and Karnov are in a target rich environment. Now they are used to close up fighting they rain destruction on their enemies. Karnov destroys one fighter while Joe-9T picks off one damaged ship and scores a spectacular engine blow-out on another. Unable to keep up with the fight it turns for home, broken but alive to fight another day. Another fighter, Red 5, latches on to Storm Cutter’s tail. “I can’t shake him!” Screams Kory from the cockpit. Fear and adrenaline merge as she fights the controls.

“Why are you so interested in my tail?”

Jimmi reaches the final chorus of the battle hymn, volume ELEVEN, spins the Rodian round and round while peppering him with blaster bolts. He slumps in mid air before being dropped lifeless, to the ground. Joe-9T, from his position in the turret can hear the commotion of the fight. “Oh my, it’s terrible (the comm is a little unclear - it might have been ‘terrific’), they’re being murdered in there.” The bounty hunters in the Pursuer open fire with all weapons, without getting anything remotely close. Zabki swings angrily at the doctor but can’t land a fist on him. He also shakes off a stun blast aimed at him by the Duros. The newly awakened patients begin lumbering across the lounge in a desperate bid to shut up the infernal noise. “Brains.” they chant. They turn to Karnov and approach, only turn away again, still chanting. -And hungry!

Jimmi muses, “You just can’t get away from the critics!” Kory guns the engine and throws the ship into a tight spiral, almost losing it (would you rather have a good pilot or a lucky pilot?) to shake the fighter on her tail. The warning lights on the inertial dampers shift from red to vermilion, missing out crimson altogether. Rojic screams from the engineering bay "What do you think you’re doing? I said DON"T take her up to 20-g on the turns! NOT She can take 20-g!" He tumbles around engineering, bumping his head on the garbage disposal lever, finally dumping several months of trash. Kory slips away from her pursuer as Joe-9T and Karnov let rip, Karnov missing but Joe-9T managing to wing another fighter. Red 5, showing the mettle that goes with his call sign, executes a snap half loop and gets back on Storm Cutter’s tail, letting rip into her shields. Wiping over half their strength away.

In the head Niall begins the first stroke of the razor on his lathered face, red streaks line his cheek. Ta’alan tries to apply an eye shadow which matches the blue of his horns, however it sweeps across his forehead.

Bricks and Zabki are desperately trying to land a blow on the doctor. Jimmi, seeking to avoid accidentally injuring his friends, sets for stun (a first for our heroes?). He lets rip at the doctor and the clone trooper slumps to the floor. “Sorry!” exclaims Jimmi. Zabki is rather more accurate and lands two heavy blows. Jimmi does manage to lift the Nagai out of harm’s way, although it was Jimmi he was trying to harm. Now that is a harsh review.

Kory boosts the damaged shields but can’t shake good old Red 5. He scores a glancing blow on Storm Cutter’s shields as Kory pulls another 20g turn, the inexorable force crushing her body into the pilots chair beneath her, pushing deeper into its soft embrace, “Oh force!” She mutters under her breath as sweat beads on her brow and dampens her shirt. Rojic is thrown into the shelves of spare parts, dislodging several tins of carefully sorted bolts, nuts and washers.

“That took me hours to categorise!” Cries the distraught Toydarian. No-one appears to be listening, or if they hear they are indifferent to his plight. Even with Kory’s trickery the enemy fighter manages to follow their every move. Another pilot might have thought “The force is strong in this one.” But not here, all the normally fast talking Kory can muster at this point is “Oh Nal Hutta! Will someone nail this karking (static obscures cockpit voice recorder) pain in the (static again)” Karnov complies; inflicting damage, but the pilot is eager for the kill and has his enemy at his mercy. Joe-9T blasts his wingman, but they are both still in the fight. The bounty hunters hit Storm Cutter. “What’s that flashing?” Asks a fair haired extra that no-one has seen before. “We’re losing the main deflector!” Snaps Kory, but zips up her flight suit another few inches in case she has misunderstood.

As the ship lurches with the punishment Kory is inflicting on it and shakes with the blaster impacts from the enemy Niall sweeps the razor again, more blood wells from his cheek. Ta’alan finds a stick of something in a striking shade of red and applies it to cover the sandy shade of his lips. He runs his tongue over it, noting the unusual taste. “Strawberry?”

Jimmi tries to pull the blaster away from the doctor but he just doesn’t have the mojo with the mojo today. The doctor tries to stun Jimmi but misses; maybe he was distracted by Zabki’s fist which connects with his jaw yet again.

Kory finally manages to put some distance between Storm Cutter and her most persistent enemy, however all this throwing the controls around means she can’t do anything to bring the shields back on-line. Before the valiant Red 5 can regain contact Joe-9T blasts him into oblivion. Karnov wipes out the shields of the bounty hunter’s ship, though the last fighter manages to inflict more damage on Storm Cutter, and the bounty hunters blast off the sensor dish, blinding the ship to what is happening outside their immediate vicinity. Rojic desperately finds what he can to plug the holes in the hull, Jimmi’s unsold datadiscs, Karnov’s Jedi Manuals (The Force for Dummies), though he leaves ‘The Very Hungry Ruurian on the shelf (too many holes).

Karnov’s Library

As Kory throws the ship into a loop, cutting just beneath the bounty hunters, Rojic tumbles backwards into the bulkhead, handily plugging the last leak; though it does feel rather cold on his rear end though. He is soon warmed up as the ship is hit again. Kory feels the exhilaration of total control, high g-forces and the thundering of the engines beneath her posterior. “Oh, Yesssss!” she screams. The bounty hunters try desperately to follow, only to be thrown into a spin by the force of their manoeuvre.

Jimmi fires another stun bolt at the doctor, this time he slumps to the ground. The young Rattataki girl comes to his side, appearing rather alarmed “You killed him!” Maynii says, sounding shocked. Jimmi pats her reassuringly on the shoulder. “It's all right, he’s only stunned.” However the doctor stumbles to the edge of the cargo bay and topples over one half of the sofa, falling to the ground where he is run over by a road-roller before a marching band stamps over him, and a strange device which fell close to his hand starts beeping. Joe-9T begins to chant in a monotone, “I must kill....Jimmi. I must kill....Jimmi!” Followed by “Only kidding!”

Niall wipes the last of the foam from his now smooth face while Ta'alan feels a little dizzy.

Joe-9T relentlessly pumps the guns, blasting the last starfighter into oblivion. Now that would have cut over half an hour from a different movie. Kory then sweeps the ship around in a gentle arc. The crew of the bounty hunter’s ship turn to each other. “They’re moving into attack position!” Before they can react, Storm Cutter sweeps down on them, Karnov spitting fire into their ship, blasting greebles into space and ionising systems. The crew look at the smoking remains of their consoles and the dangerously creaking hull, then at the hastily departing Storm Cutter. “Alright,” they agree, “We’ll call it a draw!”

Hen3ry beeps at Kory. She checks the console for confirmation. “Ready for lightspeed. -Goodbye Favela II and good riddance Challabba the Hutt. I'll not be seeing you again.” With those, fully intended but almost certainly inaccurate parting words the stars stretch out into streaks and Storm Cutter blasts into hyperspace.

Ta’alan slumps to the ground, remembering only the pleasant taste on his lips. Strawbezzzzzz. Niall is refreshed. He fills his palms with aftershave and applies it to his newly de-stubbled cheeks. “Aaaaarrrrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!” The scream echoes through Storm Cutter.

Kory relaxes into the soft cushions, a strange sense of wellbeing and exhaustion overcoming her. She pulls a deathstick from Mama's secret humidor, a dozen hands miraculously appear with lighters, and blows smoke rings into the disabled smoke detector, letting her eyes close and last dregs of tension flow from her limbs. “That was amazing!”

Joe-9T unplugs himself from the ship adaptor. He feels strong, powerful. He lights a deathstick, then sits puzzled. He has no nose to take in the aroma. He has no respiratory system with which to inhale the vapours. He tries to place it behind his ear for later, only he has no ears either! In the end his embarrassment chip kicks in and he stubs it out as discretely as he can and decides that he needs to cultivate an alternative vice for these moments. Just to be certain he searches the ship for more stowaways, ready to terminate with extreme prejudice. Trio tries to embrace him but the moment has passed and he strides purposely past her with barely a hint of recognition. Three oily tears meander down her expressionless face.

Now things are quiet Jimmi attends to Klara. Jimmi loosens her clothing and lays hands upon her surprisingly soft body. She wakes with a start. “I was just adjusting your breasts. They shifted out of whack when you passed out on the ramp.”

All she can manage in return is a quiet “Thank you.”

Now that Jimmi has the time to pump her.... For information. She fills in the details of how the shield was placed and how she has seen the light, heard heavenly choirs and wishes to give everything to save the Republic.

“Everything?” Enquires Jimmi as the cabin light is switched off.

Epilogue

Niall is ushered into the Supreme Chancellor’s office with very little delay. The Head of the entire Republic stands and extends a hand to Niall. “Welcome master Jedi, how may be of help?”

Overwhelmed by the obvious sincerity of the man who carries the weight of the Republic on his slender shoulders Niall tells him all about the datapad and information on it. He avoids correcting the head of all the Republic about his title of ‘master.’

The Chancellor appears shocked by the degree to which his colleagues in the senate and contrived to ingratiate themselves with the enemy, bribed and cheated their way to power and fortunes and generally used the Senate for personal aggrandisement.

“You have done well to bring this to me. I will see to it that this matter is dealt with discretion.”

He looks closely at Niall. “I am surprised not to have heard more of you exploits from the Jedi Council. Your record is outstanding. If you require any assistance please do not hesitate to come to me and I will offer whatever help this humble office can provide.”

“Thank you, Supreme Chancellor.” mumbles Niall.

“Oh no, thank YOU master Jedi. -I will be following your career with great interest.”

Chancellor Palpatine. Anyone else would be utterly corrupted by the power Niall has just handed to him.

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Footnotes: Alternative title: A lot of faffing....Trying to avoid the obvious.!