"The Hero of Karkoon. Part IV"

Written & directed by:
Anthony Hummerston.

STARRING:

Karnov,   Jimmi,   Niall,   Rojic,    Ta'alan,  Mama
And special guest stars:
Hen3ry , Joe-9T, Trio and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.
AND
Storm Cutter, their ship, all redecorated in Republic half-mottled ocean-grey version: 49901-9-F7G. (Snow Viz)

Rojic breaks the intense silence. “You know, we need to have a sub-committee to discuss the new name for faffing…..”

Zabki and Djinmargo are doing their best not to faff as they gather up the for a quick exit back to Storm Cutter.

“Quick check?”

“Only the barest necessities.” Djinmargo says, as Zabki stands for a second completely naked. She adds, “Oh, that reminds me....! Anyone seen my silver-plated Zilkin toothpick?”

Zabki hastily gets dressed.

“I know a song about bare necessities.” Jimmi says and starts to hum the first few bars. This spurs them on to paring it down to the quintessential few items.

“You’re not taking this bed.” Rojic says.

“I think you mean ‘you’re not taking this bed’ followed by a question mark.”

“No it’s a statement. ‘you’re not taking this bed’ is what I said and what I mean. Though I made a slight error in not saying you’re NOT taking this bed.”

“I’m all confused.” Karnov says.

Niall passes Karnov something, “Take a faff-pill. There’s plenty of faff around to distil it into one concentrated little capsule of pure faff.”

“So not the bed?” Zabki asks.

“No. Not the bed. Not the cabinet. Not the rack of missiles from Dantooine. Not the stuffed life-sized Bantha. Not the solid granite statue of a Rakata doing something unspeakable – Not your signed selfie of you and senator Palpatine from before he was famous. Not the Czerka-Crate-o-matic or the ultra-rare calendar of miss Sith from twenty-seven B.B.Y – The one with the misprint that says ‘Let the Hat flow through you.’ Not the double-headed coin that has passed though at least three Hutts….AND NO BED!”

Zabki looks forlorn. “What about this signed photo of Miss Dathomir?” He asks.

“I’ll keep that!” Jimmi says, holding a hand out. Rojic passes Jimmi a page from ‘What Plank’ magazine – (The magazine that gives you wood)

“Mmmm….Miss Dathomir.” Jimmi croons.

“I personally like her long legs, her curves….” Niall says. Rojic adds, “And her red eyes, the snake for a tongue- the dark blue veins in her face, the warty nose, the wispy hair on an otherwise bald head- in an obvious comb-over….And most of all her webbed fingers – all twelve of them!”

“Anyone would think that she was a witch.”

Niall hates to point out the obvious. “Err…..Miss Dathomir….!”

Miss Dathomir 25 B.B.Y.

Jimmi and Karnov bump fists. Niall spots them and has to ask, “What was that for?”

“Over three hundred words of faff!”

“Yay!”

Despite the bed being made from a single nine-foot Corusca gem, it is big enough for four people and worth over a million credits they can’t get it into the lift. They leave it behind.

“Time for a leisurely stroll back to the ship. –And no excitement along the way.” Rojic says, flapping in excitement.

At the foot of the lift, Kory and Joe-9T are approaching from the promenade –followed by several dozen shifty-looking types and the credit-signs-in-the-eyes stares of hundreds. Three burly Gamorreans head the charge, spitting on their axes and baying for blood. – Astute viewers will recognise two of the jailors that Karnov and Rojic locked up two episodes ago and Niall and Karnov taunted last week. They look mean and mean business. – The killing kind of business.

The occupants of the lift can hear gunfire. – The sound that is made by guns, -big ones.

“I don’t suppose that there’s another way out?” Rojic enquires.

“Only if you want to climb out of the sealed windows- and plummet to your death several hundred feet below –on the rugged rocks.”

“Ahem! Flappy wings!”

“Ahem! Freezing cold outside. – your wings’ll freeze before you make the first hundred feet.”

There is a pause. They realise that they shouldn’t be talking in the lift – They all fall silent and look at nothing or stare at their shoes.

“We could test the engines.” Jimmi says as the door opens.

“Yeah- like firing a frozen chicken into it.”

“Frozen Toydarian test. – I like it!”

Outside, Kory and Joe-9T are shooting the Gamorreans. Kory has tried to intimidate them. But the lure of easy kills and easy credits is too strong for the meat-headed guards. Joe-9T doesn’t need to say anything, just chortle and let Sarah-Jane do the talking. She promises piggy paradise and bacon-y badness. An assassin droid and a big gun scare off the Gamorreans- who flee into the assembling crowd. The last swings an axe and seals his fate. A flurry of blaster bolts threaten to cut him to frazzles.

The others emerge from the lift. Rojic assesses the situation with the crowd. “Thermal detonator anyone?”

“Rojic! There’s innocent civilians in there!”

“Shame.”

Kory yells at the Gamorreans. “Back off! The champion doesn’t want to be disturbed!” Joe-9T puts two good shots into the guard, killing him. The others are running. “Shoot them in the back!” Joe-9T urges, and then proceeds to do just that.

The lift goes “Ding!”

Niall sweeps out of it. “Mmmmm….Anyone smell bacon?”

Kory turns to him. “Nice of you to drop in!”

Joe-9T is advancing, Sarah-Jane singing her song of porky death. “Little pig! Little pig! Let me in!”

The Gamorreans squal their best squeals. “Squeeeeeee….Ugh!”

“Last one back to the ship is a big cissy!” Joe-9T urges.

“It’s knee deep in bodies out here.” Karnov observes.

“Just how I like it!” Joe-9T guffaws, striding forward and letting rip.

“That droid certainly has courage.” Niall says.

“Bad programming more like.” Karnov counters. Rojic pats Joe-9T’s head. “Good programming. Good homicidal maniac droid…. I can get an oil bath ready for you when we get back….Would you like that?”

Joe-9T gives Rojic one of those ‘you’re embarrassing me in front of all these people’ looks. – Which he stops by shooting all the people.

“They’re easily scared,” Karnov says, referring to the crowds, “But they’ll be back, -and in greater numbers!”

There is one lone Gammorrean left. He can’t run into the crowd, so turns to three Kel Dor for protection. They level their guns at him. Kory snaps a shot a the legs of the fleeing guard. This makes him lose his balance but not his momentum. He ploughs into the three Kel Dor, scattering them like skittles.

Joe-9T shoots again, one blaster bolt passing through the guard’s chest, the second through his head. “Anyone for crackling?” Joe-9T chuckles.

Niall is a little shocked at the violence. He turns to the droid as two Trandoshans and three Kel Dor approach, “Have you ever retired a Gamorrean by mistake?” Niall asks in a stage whisper.

“Nope. I never met a Gamorrean I didn’t unload three clips into.”

“Thought not.”

The Kel Dor are surprised, and two of them refrain from shooting our heroes, and instead try to launch the dying Gamorrean off the ledge and into the arena below. The poor guard is still gripping his vibro-axe for grim death -literally!

“Most unsporting behaviour!” Kory scolds them, “Joe? Chaps with masks? Five rounds rapid!”

Joe obliges and opens up again. He turns to Jimmi and asks calmly, “Do you see dead things?”

“Yes!”

“Do you see in colour?”

“No. No colours, except zebras.”

“Incoming faff!” Niall warns.

“Do you see live things?”

“Yes!”

“Then make them dead things!”

The Kel Dor are struggling with the weight of a large Gamorrean at their feet clad in leather and durasteel armour and still clutching a large axe.

Jimmi assists by starting up a force whirlwind around them. Grit and gravel and bits of market stalls are soon swirling around the two Kel Dor. The third shots wildly back. Kory drops to one knee and shoots the last Kel Dor, injuring it. A shot comes in her direction, but doesn’t find its mark. Niall leans forward, and using the force to fly, swoops low over the Gammoreans and comes up level with Joe-9T. With a lunge he thrusts with the lightsabre at the shooting Kel Dor, but doesn’t manage to connect. Jimmi intones, “Melee number three please.” Rojic shoots into the whirlwind, managing to kill one. This starts revolving with the rest of the debris, threatening the other. Karnov manages to shoot past the whirling mass of debris and hit the one not in the maelstrom. -Which is an extremely painful place to be shot. Niall beats this one back into a corner with some flashy lightsabre play. Several Trandoshans have been watching this fight and seeing the Kel Dor being systematically taken apart, they decide that to fight another day is preferable to getting killed. – They retreat into a doorway – Which as soon as they pass the threshold, Kory shoots the mechanism to close it and keep it closed. A squad of Madalorians comes wading through the market, scattering civilians and market stalls. Jimmi rolls behind a table and with two shots manages to topple the leader of the Madalorians. Niall steps in for another swipe with the lightsabre, when his opponent changes tactics and clunks Niall hard on the head with the blaster. Niall is off his guard as a blaster bolt fizzes past his ear. He is even more shocked when a blade stabs at his ribs. He turns with the blade however, which whispers across the cloth of his jacket. With the lightsabre in position, Niall executes one of his signature moves, and with a lazy ‘S’ shaped cut, slices the Kel Dor into three equal chunks. The Mandalorians gasp at the clinical brutality. Niall follows this up with a slice to the last remaining enemy. Kory, Karnov and Joe-9T lay down a succession of shots, which have the Mandalorians diving for cover. There is a long moment while each group eyes up the other.

“If nobody loses their head….” Kory tells the Mandalorians, “Then nobody ‘loses’ their head….” The defenders laugh nervously. Kory adds, “We don’t want to kill you.”

“We don’t have to kill you.” Jimmi says.

“But….!” Joe-9T starts to say, but is silenced.

The Mandalorian shouts back, “But Chalabba said dead-or-alive.”

Niall sends them a timely reminder. “We’re at….Currently….Seven to nil at the moment.”

There is another pause as the Mandalorians count feet-and-inches – they weight up their chances against two Jedi, an assassin droid and various hangers-on. Joe-9T pushes Zabki nearer the front. “We have need of the champion. We’re taking him.” He says as a statement of fact.

The Mandalorian has decided. There are fights worth fighting. There are yet others not worth losing.

“You’ve shown yourselves….” The leader says, choosing words carefully, “To be a match for us.”

Joe-9T strides ahead. “Grrr!” He says in his best intimidating voice. “Grrrr….Arrggg….” Jimmi says, before adding in a small voice, “I need a hug!”

A shot rings out. Rojic is hit! He spins around. The shot came from across the arena. Try as he might, Rojic can’t narrow it down to any betther than one of a hundred members of the crowd. Karnov has seen the sniper but alas can’t risk a shot across the distance and guarantee accuracy. As they are regrouping and finding some cover, another shot narowly misses them. As they are trying to spot the sniper, they hear the roar of a jetpack and a figure emerges from under the ledge. This figure is level with the three girls, who are catching up. Jimmi spins to see the assailant shoot three times at Djinmargo. When these three don’t connect, they are followed by a harpoon, which pierces her side. Jimmi rushes to her aid. The harpoon has gone through Djinmargo and the point is sticking out of her front. Jimmi uses the force to staunch the wound, turning to Karnov, Jimmi asks to borrow her lightsabre.

“What for?”

“To cut off the end of the harpoon.”

“Is it wise to trust a blind person with a lightsabre?” Karnov asks.

“I can ‘see’” Jimmi says, before adding quietly, “Take me with you!”

While Karnov slices the end from the harpooon shaft with her lightsabre. Kory takes a risky shot over the shoulder of Djinmargo, she manages to shoot the corner of the jetpack. It sputters and fires, the attacker is teetering on the edge. Kory shoots the jetpack again –through the attacker- blowing him backward and over the arena. Rojic manages to snap off a button on the jetpack. It fires and blasts the attacker backwards. As this happens, Jimmi sees Djinmargo’s eyes open. They focus briefly before she slumps back into Jimmi’s arms. Jimmi feels a shockwave pass through the force. –As though millions of midichlorians cried out and were suddenly consumed. The attacker loses all control of the jetpack and his senses and spirals downward to crash-land into the arena floor.

Another shot streaks across the arena. Joe-9T fancies that he can spot the sniper in the crowd. He contemplates getting one of the Jedi to force-lift him over there to sort out the attacker. As he goes to ask, the Cathar woman who is the master of ceremonies runs out into the centre of the arena. “Let loose the beast!” She cries. Chains rattle, and a huge Shyrack emerges from a lower dungeon.

The woman points with her whip and it flies directly toward our heroes. Kory, Joe-9T and Jimmi fire at the winged beast, but only manage to hit it one time in seven shots. Niall attempts to force persuade the creature –telling it to flee. – But by the time the thought has been processed in its tiny brain, Karnov and Jimmi have combined their efforts into holding the beast in place – just out of gnashing and clawing distance. It shrieks a piercing shriek, making the majority of the people in the arena or on the promenade hold their ears in pain. No-one dares to say anything about comparing it to Jimmi’s singing!

The sniper shoots at Jimmi, missing by less than an inch. Kory plucks two grenades from almost nowhere and tosses one at Jimmi to throw at the sniper.

“Collateral damage!” Jimmi warns. Kory and Jimmi swap grenades, and the second one is force-lifted into the crowd where the sniper is believed to be. With a fizz, it explodes, spreading dense white smoke all around.

“That’ll fix ‘em!” Kory whoops.

“But,” Joe-9T protests, “Collateral damage is the best kind!” He turns to shoot again at the Shyrack but can’t get a clear shot at it from within the market place. Karnov obliges by moving it backward a few yards. “This avian creature is reversing!” Jimmi giggles, before adding, “Beep! Beep! Beep!”

Below them, the Farghul woman roars with impotent rage at the defenceless Shyrack. Karnov starts slicing bits off it with a lightsabre, while Jimmi and Joe-9T fill it with hot plasma. Rojic takes a shot at the woman below, very nearly drilling a hole in her foot with a shot from over one hundred and fifty yards. She scurries back, most alarmed. Meanwhile, Joe-9T puts a neat row of smoking holes through the Shyrack from stern to stem. Jimmi goes one better and puts two shots through the ribcage- in the holes that Joe-9T has made and one through the head. Had it not already died a second ago, this would have certainly finished it off. The remains of the wings stop fluttering. Karnow relinquishes control of the carcass to Jimmi, who flings it toward the Farghul woman, who has drawn a carbine. The dead –and very much oven-ready bird lands squarely on top of her. “Her goose is cooked, but she’ll get over it!” Jimmi jokes, “As soon as she gets out from under it, that is!”

Kory gets all business-like once more and ushers Djinmargo and her sisters through the market stalls and past the glowering Mandalorians. She and Joe-9T have a heated discussion about loading for bear and leaving nothing but bear behind. –Thus keeping the Mandalorians at bay. A hundred yards later, they have parted the Dune Sea and around the curve of the arena and thankfully out of the range of the sniper. The Mandalorians are waiting for an opportunity to blast them, but with two Jedi, an assassin droid, several marksmen / women to contend with – as well as the champion and the mysterious sisters no opportunity presents itself.

Our heroes make it to the landing pad, but a huge blast-door has descended over the entrance.

“Damn! Locked!” Karnov curses. “Cut through?” Niall asks, igniting his lightsabre once more. “We could, but it’ll take time- longer than we possibly have.” Karnov hisses, seeing the Manadlorinas leading a gang of about six-dozen antagonists, baying for blood – and indeed a large bounty.

Niall slices off a panel, exposing the inner gubbins. “This any help? Rojic?”

Rojic peers in. “Well the servo actuator to the motor has been fused.”

“Time?”

“Given tools and equipment and replacement parts….About an hour, maybe two.”

“I’m starting to think we should cut through – Starting at a point….Around about where this annoying Toydarian is!”

“Actually….” Rojic says hastily, “All I need to do is bridge the gap between the power source and the motor.

“Like this?” Kanorv asks, pulling at two wires. “Red and black?”

“But we need an adaptor- between a 415-volt and micro USB.”

“No time!” Niall warns as a few blaster bolts whiz their way. The tone of his voice suggests that there is no time to solder a couple of crocodile clips on the ends of the leads either. Rojic pulls on the leads and bridges the gap. The blast door shoots up. As soon as there is a gap big enough to slip under, everyone does so. Niall grabs Rojic as he rolls underneath, pulling the Toydarian unceremoniously through. Another challenge awaits them as they stand up.

Storm Cutter is completely enveloped in a force field. The source of which is a generator at the foot of the loading ramp. “Rats!” Jimmi says, summing up the feelings of all the others. At the foot of the ramp is also the prone form of Karla. “If they’ve so much as touched her!” Jimmi swears.

“Why?” Rojic asks, with as much innocence as he can muster in one word.

“Because it was my turn!” Jimmi replies.

“This shouldn’t be such a chore….” Niall says, trying to lift the generator with the force. It doesn’t budge. “Maybe you should try to move the ship!” Karnov jokes. She tries to do just that. The ship rocks slightly, as they remember their touchdown earlier and the fact that it is only resting on three landing struts and teetering dangerously over the ledge- with a six hundred feet drop below.

“Get on with it!” Kory urges through clenched teeth. Try as she might, she can’t punch through the force field. A blaster bolt does nothing either.

“Will you forget that! I already tried it!” Jimmi yells.

“No you didn’t!”

“Well….I thought that might happen- call it a premonition.”

“Okay swap positions.” Rojic tells Niall and Jimmi. “Can you see any buttons?”

“A few.”

“Anything like a big red 'OFF' button?”

“No.”

A few blaster bolts come fom under the door as the crowd try their luck.

“Push all the buttons!” Rojic yells. They do so. The ship rocks alarmingly. “Okay, change tack….” Niall yells, “Rip the panel off!”

With a sweep of a hand, Karnov does so. “A fuse maybe?” Niall asks. Rojic peers through the distortion. “On the left….” Niall rips the object out of the socket. Storm Cutter creaks and groans.

Fuse? - I have a bad feeling about this...!

Jimmi desperately uses the force to stabilise it. The force field collapses. Joe-9T turns around and sprays one blaster bolt after another at their pursuers. “Run!” He yells at the others. They make heavy weather of negotiating the sofa on the ramp. Niall loses patience with it, as Jimmi scoops up Klara and tries to get her over the obstruction. Niall sweeps his lightsabre through the offending piece of furniture, cutting it into two corner chairs.

“Sentry guns!” Rojic yells to Karnov, who is first aboard. Under a hail of blaster fire, the crowd surge forward. Kory is the first to the pilot’s seat and gives Storm Cutter full revs. The weight of everyone coming aboard tilts the ship alarmingly before the thrusters stabilise the tilt. Rojic is still encouraging the force-field generator aboard. It trundles up the ramp on little dumpy legs. As soon as the second foot touches the metal, Kory uses all her upper body strength to pull on the joystick. She shoves the thrust levers fully forward. The ship surges into a steep climb. It narrowly misses the tip of the mountain opposite and blasts off into the atmosphere.

“That was a close one.” Jimmi sighs. Niall and Karnov look at the rag-tag band of evacuees. The downed Nagai, Bricks the clone trooper, Zabki, Djinmargo and the sisters.

“Klara?”

Jimmi reports, “Shot and unconscious, but she’ll be okay. A few hours she’ll be on her feet and in my bed.” Karnov isn't the only one trying to do the doublethink on this curious juxtaposition.

“No I.F.F. Badge.” Rojic says, looking down at the woman, “Thing is, I don’t trust her.”

“I don’t trust her either,” Jimmi says, “After all, she is my girlfriend….”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Footnotes: Alternative title: A small amount of faffing....Try it someday!