"A Jedi's Funeral. Part III"

Written & directed by:
Anthony Hummerston.

STARRING:

Karnov,   Jimmi,   Niall,   Rojic,    Ta'alan,  Mama
And special guest stars:
Hen3ry , Joe-9T, Trio and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.

AND

Storm Cutter, their ship, all redecorated in Republic half-mottled sea-grey version: 49321-7-7HF.
AND

Petra their Newest recruit.

Insert Petra picture here!

Kory mashes buttons, trying to slice into the systems of the stricken vessel. The Breeze Enchantment is listing badly to port. As most of the small crew are aquatic Nautolans, they have sensibly stood by their posts, safe in the knowledge that if the ship goes down, they won’t drown. – However, above deck, Niall and the others are battling away, keenly aware that the sinking of the ship could spell disaster. Finally Kory manages to override the pump control circuits. “Full max!” Kory whoops, seeing the pumps cut in. – But they are only going to buy time, since a large hole in the side is letting in water quicker than it can be removed. Kory changes tack, securing bulkhead doors to a closed position. She is hampered somewhat by the position of the crewmen, to which she has no communication. – Still, a few closed off sections will also help a little.

“Whatever is going on out there….Make it fast!” She calls, pressing even more buttons.

Petra and Ta’alan are covering one another’s escape. The aqua droids are closing in. Petra fires while Ta’alan runs, then they switch. It is all going swimmingly until Ta’alan fails to run and nearly ends up swimming. Petra spins around, about to shout at the teenager. Ta’alan has a pained expression on his face and two harpoons in his side. “Not good! Not good!” Petra gasps to herself, and skids to a halt. – This is a bad move, as she too is struck with a harpoon. Some choice words drift Ta’alan’s way, reminding him of an old adage that his master is fond of, “I like a posh bird that talks dirty!” Ta’alan dare not risk saying it in front of Petra however, lest he end up with yet another harpoon in him.

Jimmi jumps over the rail of the ship and scrambles for the ships guns. With a snap shot they cough their deadly payload –aimed directly at a droid submersible. It is a direct hit into the hull of the vessel! With an enormous spout of water, the craft disappears from view. Seconds later, tons of water mixed with debris crash back into the ocean.

“That’s one les sub to worry about!” Jimmi says. Petra uses the gun barrels as a rest and starts blasting. Two shots sing out, crippling one droid and destroying another. Apart from the pain in his side, Ta’alan imagines that he’s died gone to heaven. “ A posh bird that talks dirty and can shoot straight!” He says to himself, as he battles to remain conscious. “It’s a shame she can’t sit astride the guns suggestively.” Through the force, he can already feel Niall’s frown of disapproval.

Having spoiled her aim, with his aimless wandering and wondering, Petra is angry. “Fool of a Togruta!” She snarls at him, shattering the illusion. But there is little time to argue, as the listing of the ship is getting to an angle that makes progress tricky and an early bath a distinct possibility. Ta’alan snaps out of his swoon, and growls a response in his own language.

Rojic is fighting his own battle against a strong crosswind – Though simultaneously noticing that the ship’s flags lie still against their flagpoles. – “Not a wind…But an invisible force….” Rojic muses. But there is no time to flap and ponder, he puts his head down and flies with all his strength. –Finally making the dorsal hatch of Storm Cutter and clinging on for all his worth.

“How’s that cold-start coming on?” He radios to Joe-9T.

“Observation: Tepid at best at the moment.”

“Then get out there and shoot something! I’m coming aboard.” Rojic snaps back. The sound of Sarah-Jane opening up is heard, -mere milliseconds after the suggestion. “That’s my droid!” Rojic muses to himself. Joe-9T half walks / half slides down the ramp beneath the ship, firing from the hip. “Suggestion: Perhaps a little recalibration of the horizontal.”

“Working on it!” Rojic yells back, rolling to line up with the consoles, which are at an alarming angle.

Sergeant Right and his squad have started to lay down covering fire –giving Jimmi, Ta’alan and the others a clear passage toward Storm Cutter. The droids respond by shooting at Jimmi, who counters by dancing a jig between the blaster bolts and singing a marry tune about an intoxicated able-seaman. Kory rolls into cover and manages to shoot two precise shots at the end of the roll. Two droids are disabled. Without traction, they slide to the rail, falining wildly and with a wail, topple over it to sleep with the fishes. –Or is it the whales?

Kory slips and slides to Ta’alan armed with a vibro-dagger. Now the youngster has two women fussing over him! Kory sashays over, splashes in the advancing water and slashes expertly at the harpoon cable- but manages only to make it fray slightly! Now it is her turn for a well-chosen expletive! She raises both eyebrows in surprise. Ta’alan closes his eyes and lets the swearing of two women sink in. Petra calmly pulls at both ends of the cable, snapping it like a thread and manages to glower at Kory, who brushes it off. Jimmi skips and slips toward the rail, calmly blasting a droid to bits and scaring its comrade in the process. By now, Niall has started to bark orders to the frightened dignitaries. “Please….Move along please….Pretty please with cream and sugar….” He starts to say. They don’t move.

“Before I blast you!” He adds, which has the desired effect.

Storm Cutter slips alarmingly into the rail, which buckles. Everyone stares incredulously – How come there’s a health and safety feature in the galaxy?

“How come there’s a health and safety feature in the galaxy?” Jimmi asks, somewhat unnecessarily.

Jimmi’s eye is caught by Mesha Zo and his fellow Voss cronies putting on a burst of sped toward the aft of Breeze Endeavour. “Should’ve got Joe-9T to shoot him in the back with a harppon.” Jimmi says ruefully. “On my way!” Joe-9T replies, cutting down more aqua droids, and making a clear passage aft. The assassin droid reaches for a harpoon, but Meesha-Zo has ducked behind a landing strut.

Jimmi sprints after the dignitary, but cannot match speed. The steepness and slipperiness makes progress difficult. Jimmi slips and slides to the rail, joining Ta’alan, Kory and Petra, who are comparing swear words and blasting more droids.

Rojic has surveyed the situation in the engine room of Storm Cutter. The crazy angle doesn’t bother him, but cold-starting the engines, does. He tries a gink droid. The engines make a coughing, wheezing, chugging noise. The gink droid goes a funny colour before Rojic wisely disconnects it. “Stupid nine volt droid!” Rojic hisses at it. He wisely lets it cool instead of picking it up and throwing it into the battery recycling bin.

“More power….” Rojic muses. He sees the main weapons busbar running at head height – He decides to tap into that. “There’s a big capacitor bank for the shields and guns….” He muses. “If only I could bridge the gap….” He searches for something to do just that. A wooden broom handle won’t do it. A paperclip won’t either. Desperately he searches for something metal and about eighteen inches long. His eyes light up when he sees a battle droid’s leg spilling out of a locker.

“Didn’t think I had many of these left.” He says to himself, dragging it from its resting place. This presents another two problems. How to lift the leg to bridge the gap and how not to electrocute himself in the process.

Kory’s upbeat, “Start the engines, Rojic, there’s a good boy!” Coming over the comm doesn’t improve matters much either. Rojic responds with a Toydarian word that isn’t fit for broadcast.

Petra leaps for the rail. With a brief flailing of arms, she steadies herself and starts to trot along it. Kory and Jimmi look at one another and follow suit. Ta’alan decides to shuffle along it, using it to stop himself from falling into the water. Niall looks disdainfully at him, and jumps up himself. In the split second it takes to consider whether his lightsabre is waterproof or not, he slips into the water. The lightsabre is extinguished for a second, but whether this is Niall being prudent or the weapon cutting out is not determined. It re ignites in a second, and a stream of bubbles rise to the surface as the water around it starts to boil.

“Niall’s in the water!” Ta’alan shouts as a warning. This does nothing but draw attention to him, and several aqua droids fire at him. –Thankfully missing. The captain of the ship slides to the rail. He topples over and lands with a splash. Though it isn’t a big deal, as an aquatic race he is at home in the water as he is above it. With a few powerful strokes he rounds up the other dignitaries and helps them to find wreckage to cling onto. By this time, Kory has pinballed to Storm Cutter and is trying desperately to climb inside before she has to swim inside. A lurch makes this impossible. – The ramp is now submerged. With a deep breath, Kory submerges. A few strokes later and she emerges on the inside of the cargo bay- dripping wet. Everyone leans in for a view of her taking off her flight suit to reveal a flimsy-and-wet-tee shirt. She unzips the zip….And peels off the outer layer….Under which is….A rather unexpected puffa jacket – size XL.

A shudder passes along the ship. Storm Cutter lurches sideways alarmingly. –Even more disturbing is the Voss shuttle on the middle landing pad, sliding toward their ship. Ta’alan yells at Jimmi. Several aqua droids, unhindered by the water, press their attack. Sergeant Right and his squad keep them at bay, but a lucky shot from the water topples one of the clones. Before the others can come to his aid, he slides from the deck and into the water. Niall is otherwise occupied by more droids and isn’t in a position to help the injured clone. The man’s heavy armour sends him down to a watery grave.

Niall is caught in a net. Droids thrust several electro-probes into their catch. Niall fends them off. With a spinning action Niall manages to extricate himself from the net, and the attacking droid is plucked from the water and flung a hundred yards away. It crashes down next to another submersible, which veers to starboard to avoid its comrade.

Petra has made the landing pads, which are now at a good forty degrees angle. Prince Gootoo is clinging on for dear life. Petra grabs a handle and the prince in one movement.

“Get your peasant hands off me!” The prince snaps at her.

“Prehaps you’d prefer to drown, your highness.” Petra snarls back at him. The blaze in her eyes presses the point and he pipes down. Between them they walk, slip, slide, wade, swim, splutter, nearly drown and finally ascend the ramp into a partially-flooded hold of Storm Cutter. The shuttle on the neighbouring pad is sliding toward them, promising that they’ll both be a lot thinner should they survive this. Jimmi has now found some balance and is skipping along the rail, crooning a sea shanty. Using the force, Jimmi holds the Voss Shuttle in position and stops it damaging Storm Cutter in a collision.

Joe-9T is standing in the water, which is slowly rising. Sarah-Jane is chattering away, mowing down anything that is droid-like. In the covering fire, the Voss and his lackeys make their shuttle. Niall is still in the water, and can’t shout a warning. Before Joe-9T can realise that the Voss are to be stopped, they are gone. The assassin droid takes out his frustration on another three aqua droids by blasting all three to pieces in short order. As the ship sinks, the water level rises up Joe-9T’s chest. He hefts Sarah-Jane higher to save her from the water. We see Ta'alan blasting a few droids in the water, keeping them at bay. When we cut back to Joe-9T the water is rising above his hips, though the background music is more frantic. Ta'alan does a double-take.

Rojic is juggling a broom handle, a pair of yellow marigold washing-up gloves and a droid’s leg. He turns the air a shade of deep aquamarine with the effort to bridge the busbars and discharge the capacitor bank into the engines. With a massive crackle, a spark jumps across the contacts, and the engines jump into life. There is a terrible screeching, a grinding and a roar. Acrid smoke pours from several vents and the smell of ozone from sparking electrical contacts mingles with it.

Between the swearing, Rojic finds the flaw in his plan. Now he has to hold the droid’s leg in place, he can’t operate the controls from the cockpit. This combined with rising water levels fuel his foul-mouthed tirade. Mentime, the censor’s rating is climbing faster and as perilously as the water around Joe-9T

A net comes from behind and ensnares Joe-9T. The slippery deck and the tug on the net make his feet slip. Desperately trying to find traction, he slides toward the water. Fear is not part of his programming, but nonetheless the implications of going straight down to visit Davy Jones does not fill him with pleasure. Joe is sure that he could withstand the vacuum of space, but the pressure of the water at sixty-fathoms is not within his operating parameters. He lets out a swear word in binary that is still shocking even when converted to hexadecimal!

Petra is manhandling the prince over the hull of Storm Cutter. Try as she might, she can’t climb any faster than the water is rising. She screams at Rojic to open the top hatch. Kory hears her over the command slams a hand on the button. “Good thing it’s an airlock.” Kory breathes, frantically watching power levels and the last tick of the altimeter.

“Top hatch!” Petra yells again. The prince gurgles something.

“I know! Dorsal hatch opening!”

“If it’s the ventral and it’s on the top….Something’s very wrong!” Rojic tells the girls.

Storm Cutter lurches again. Petra scrabbles for grip. – Wet hands, fragile greebles and an un-cooperative prince do not make an easy combination for getting a grip. Fearing a trip into the water, Petra tries again. This time her hand alights on something more solid – The power coupling for the fridge light. –Phew!

Niall is caught in a net. He twists and turns to get out of it. The lightsabre isn’t much help when it is boiling the water around it. – Finally he manages to extricate himself from it. A couple of aqua droids swim his way. Like a tadpole he puts on a spurt and swims out of their range. Two harpoons thud into the side of the ship behind him. Niall bobs to the surface for a second and refills his aching lungs with fresh air before bobbing down and following Kory’s lead, emerging into the cargo bay- which by now is about a third full of sea water. Kory is seen running for the bridge of Storm Cutter -having extricated herself from the arctic survival gear and into a towelling dressing gown- Looking for all the world like a scruffy Jedi in a snuggly robe.

Petra and the prince are making heavy weather of getting into the dorsal airlock. –This is mainly due to the price having fainted. “I thought it was girls that were supposed to faint into the arms of the handsome prince….Not the other way around!” Petra tells him, panting with the effort of lugging his body over the lip.

Jimmi telepaths a warning at Niall, just as the shuttle starts sliding Storm Cutter’s way. This is no ordinary slide- more like a shove. Joe-9T is scrabbling for a grip on the underside of Storm Cutter. Every time he gets hold of a greeble, it snaps off – even the postcard from Tattooine. Finally he manages to get hold of something solid. Had he the need to breathe, he would breathe a sigh of relief….Only he doesn’t and it isn’t relief – The object was solid – but not attached to anything. This is in fact the underside of the sofa – Or more accurately half the remaining sofa- now not so much a comfy chair as simply jetsam.

“We lost Joe.”

Niall says, almost emotional.

“My assassin droid....My metallic pal. My homicidal maniac friend.” Rojic is nearly crying over the comm.

“He’s ony at the bottom of the ocean. -Sixty fathoms or so....He’ll be okay won’t he?” Niall asks.

“Waterproof to ten meters.”

Rojic says, “He’ll certainly be a lot thinner....The pressure will be immense.”

The Voss have made it to their vessel. They power-up in mere seconds and lift off. They correct the tilt with a lazy roll to port and put the power down. Kory grimaces and tries to follow suit. – but the weight of water in the hold is hampering progress. If she pushes it, it may well tear the bottom off the ship.

“Grrrrrr…….Ahhh……Not so fast!” She says both to herself and the fleeing ship. The turrets aren’t manned. Niall and Jimmi are splashing about in the hold trying to stop most of the cargo from washing out of the ramp. They are also trying not to follow it.

Kory makes a decision. She slams a fist on a button. A dull thud is heard and a concussion missile launches from under the nose of Storm Cutter. It streaks into the atmosphere and in a smooth arc homes in on the fleeing Voss ship.

“One missile won’t hurt….” She manages to say, but the missile has locked on to an engine. It disappears up the cowling before exploding spectacularly. – The shuttle becomes a fireball before plummeting in a second smooth arc down to the sea below, where it sends up an almighty splash.

“So ends diplomacy.” Niall says, with some regret.

As Storm Cutter rises clear of the ocean, there is an almighty water spout that follows it into the air. Something below the surface has exploded. – Jimmi uses the force to contact Karnov.

“Are you okay?”

There is a slight pause. Jimmi waits with breath held.

Finally there is an answer. “Fine. Thanks. –And how are you?”

The Aqua droids are scattered. They call off the attack and retreat to their mothership- which unfortunately has just been destroyed. Kanrov surfaces, dragging Joe-9T with her.

They regroup in the hold of Storm Cutter, letting the remaining water join the rest of the ocean.

Kory pulls on the stick for more lift and rolls gently one way and then another. She then pitches and yaws to help clear the water. This gets an angry reaction form the clones who think for a moment that they are being left behind on the stricken Breeze Enchantment. The little ships regroup and pick them up. – They arrange a rendezvous on the nearest dry land.

“I knew that Voss was a wrong ‘un.” Kory says in her defence. “Besides, who knew that missiles could be so destructive?”

“It was a lightly armoured SHUTTLE.” Niall says, trying to keep a lid on his obvious displeasure.

“Lucky shot.” Joe-9T says. “Or rather unlucky for them.” He manages to stifle a throaty laugh.

Karnov shoots him a look. Joe-9T goes back to stripping the outer casing form a rather wet Sarah Jane. He gets a strange tingling stirring inside him. To relieve himself of the feeling he vigorously polishes the legth of the barrel. -But it doesn't help.

“I don’t supose you could do that someplace else?” Kory asks.“Like in prvate for instance....And when I’m not around.”

Prince Gootoo has dried out and regained his composure. “I’ll try and smooth it over with the Voss. –But I’m sure there’ll be some fallout. –It doesn’t help that they’re remaining neutral in the war.”

“That neutrality might just be in jeopardy.” Niall warns, “I can imagine the reaction when they get to hear that one of their diplomats was shot from the sky.”

Observation:” Joe-9T chimes in. “It might not have been the explosion that killed them. More likely the fatal drop from several thousand feet.”

Niall is seething. He turns on the droid. Though clenched teeth he hisses, “You. Are. Not. Helping.”

Had he a proper mouth, Joe-9T would be grinning. Instead, he decides that silent gloating might be better for the continued integrity of his limbs.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Footnotes: Not today, thanks.

ADDITIONAL: AT some stage this will become part of series 5! - Expect jiggery and pokery!