"Gran vs. Dug."

Written and Directed by:
Paul Burton.
Fiction by: Paul Burton and (mostly) Anthony Hummerston.
STARRING:

Karnov,   Jimmi,   Niall,   Rojic,   Mama
And special guest stars:
Hen3ry , Joe-9T, Trio and 'Blinkie.'
as the droids.

AND
Storm Cutter
The last of a once-glorious fleet.

“We caught a ride back to Naboo 'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to....”

Storm Cutter sets down on Naboo. The crew make their way to the customs office. It’s behind a wall. -Wall number four to be precise….

“Remind us what we’re doing here.”

“If you paid attention to the story you’d know.”

“Yeah, but a different narrator puts a different spin on things.”

“We followed a lead. Storm Rider brought the mercenaries to Corellia. We believe that Andromak left on the ship. We tracked it here, and are following up a delivery that it made to a hospital on Theed. That’s on Naboo, so that’s why we’re here.”

“Thanks. That makes lot more sense than just arriving and going somewhere without an explanation!”

Having reported in, they gather a few details.

“We’re looking for this man. Illum Andromak. We believe that he came here a short while ago, in a YT-2400 named Storm Rider.”

The droid at the desk looks at them like they’ve just come in on the last tramp steamer.

“Storm Rider put down here on this date.” The droid pushes a datapad at them. “There were these humanoids on board. The droid punches up a holo recording of the crew crossing the docking apron. It lasts all of a second and a half.

They try to identify the crew as they walk past. “There’s the captain, possibly a navigator….”

“How do you know that’s the captain?”

Joe-9T sighs heavily. “Because although there is no sound, this one addresses him as captain. I can lip-read a little too, you know.”

Rojic mouths something behind Joe-9T’s back.

“-And I have a third eye in the back of my head.”

Rojic gulps.

Joe-9T points out some other details. “This one is an engineer.”

“How can you tell that?”

“He’s got a graphite writing stick behind his ear, and greasy marks down the backs of his thighs. Just where and engineer wipes his hands when they are dirty.”

“Okay. Go on.”

“This one is probably the navigator.”

There is a long pause. No one wants to ask how Joe-9T can deduce that. Finally he tires of waiting and tells them. “He’s got a code cylinder in his pocket. It’ll have hyperdrive data on it.”

Mama strains to look at the holo. “Are you sure that’s a code cylinder?”

“Sure.”

“What’s that bulge in his other pocket?” She asks.

“As the mother of several children, I hardly need to tell you.” Joe says, smugly.

Karnov tries to show her intelligent side by pointing out the last figure. It is a blue-skinned woman with cone-shaped ears, and distinctive lekku running down her back.

“That’s a Twi’lek woman.” Karnov says proudly.

Jimmi can’t see the holo as such, and is only aware of its presence. “How can you tell that?”

“Because Niall’s shoes are wet with drool!”

They can’t quite make out the last figure, it is probably a man, and he might or might not fit their description of Illum Andromak.

“It may be him. I can’t be sure.”

The droid at the desk helps them. “He’s Corellian.”

For the final time, they ask how the droid knows this.

“He said he was from Corellia. He’s human, and Ninety eight point seven-seven-nine-seven percent of visitors from Corellia are humans.” The droid tells them.

“Doesn’t really clinch it though…..”

The droid continues. “He had Corellian travel papers.”

“Still not definitive.”

“He spoke with a Corellian accent.”

“So?”

“-And he said, ‘Hi. I’m from Corellia!’”

“That’s all we needed to know!”

There being noting more to discern from the holo, the crew decide to leave Joe-9T behind with the ship, and proceed to the hospital. The facility is clean and efficient, and mostly caters for refugees from the war. They meet with several orderlies, before being shown the consignment of medical supplies seemingly from Storm Rider. As far as they can tell, they are regulation drugs. Jimmi tries one out on a patient, and sees no untoward ill effects. They ask a few questions, but all they manage to find out is that the drugs were dropped off a few days ago and the hospital paid around ten percent of the market rate. They are part of a bulk shipment out of Kuat, and apart from a few discrepancies with the serial number sequences all seem to be on the level.

“Andromak certainly isn’t in it for the money.”

“Then what? Appeasing his conscience with a delivery of cut-price pharmaceuticals?”

“Like Karnov’s expenses claim, something doesn’t add up.”

“Maybe this is a cover for something else.”

“But what?”

“Maybe it’s a cover for bringing something else here to Naboo.”

Mama thinks back. “He came here in a YT-2400. Standard cargo capacity around one hundred and fifty tonnes. -Crew between one and five. He brings a palette of drugs….About one tonne. So what –if anything- else did he bring here….Or collect from here?”

“People, droids, arms, smuggled goods. –It could be anything.”

“But why disguise it with a delivery of drugs? –Why not just bring what he brought and unload it somewhere out of the way? There must be a thousand places within a few hundred miles of Theed to unload without too many questions. If you can bluff your way through the official channels, or bribe an official…..It’d be child’s play. Hell, even Karnov here could do it!”

They chew on the facts for a while, but get no further forward. They retire to the ship to get some rest as the evening approaches. No sooner do they board and pull up the ramp, when there is a loud sound form outside.

Karnov says, “I’m not feeling too good. There’s a horrible ringing sound in my ears.”

“That’s the intercom.”

“What? I can’t hear you. There’s a horrible ringing sound in my ears.”

“That’s the intercom.”

“I thought that the intercom sounded like a twenty-one-gun salute.”

“That’d be the sentry guns warning people off with extreme prejudice.”

Niall steps down from a service hatch. “Are we going to answer it?”

“No. -They can sit on the sofa until we’re ready.”

Finally, Trio answers. “Yes?”

A creature tells her, “Wuuretema kpsuut duuwuur smet oomert, cirnsectetuuer oodmpmscmng ewmt, sed dmoom nuunuummey nmbh’v euumsmuud-tmncmduunt! Gut wanfureet duuwuure moognoo oowmquuoom erooret vuuwuutpoot.”

Trio tries to clarify. “I am fluent in over six million.....No, actually six languages. Basic, Binary, Bocce, Beep, Braille and…Er….Bulgarian.”

“Vuuwuutpoot?”

“I’m sorry unless your language starts with a ‘B’ then I can’t help you.”

The creature tries again. –This time a little slower and a lot louder. Trio looks embarrassed. Joe-9T comes over. “I’ll handle this, Trio.” He says. The creature relays what he has already said to Trio. Joe-9T nods and then turns back to the crew of Storm Cutter. He yells, “It’s your gran!”

Mama is at the front of the onlookers, blocking most of their view. “My gran?”

“Your gran.”

“My gran died in 56 B.B.Y.”

Karnov is excited. “Ooh! A force ghost!”

“I don’t think so. She wasn’t a Jedi….Though she once gave me butterscotch sweets….”

“Oh.”

Niall pushes his way to the front. “I suppose we’d better see them.”

There is a Gran at the bottom of the ramp. He talks gibberish while Joe-9T translates.

“Euudem muuduu-typm, quum.” The Gran says.

Joe-9T turns to the others. “He’s a representative from the Gran Ambassador. – He doesn’t have nutty chocolate balls before you ask. The Naboo are hosting talks on neutral ground between the Gran and the Dugs. Negotiations over a peace treaty are at a delicate stage. If their civil war flares up again, then it’ll suck precious resources from the Republic into the conflict. The Dug ambassador is trying to gain some leverage by making out-of-negotiation statements to the public. The Gran are trying to pre-empt this by making a statement of their own. There have been threats and counter-threats, which are threatening to break up the peace talks….Which are threatened. He says that as a concerned Gran citizen, he is hoping that two Jedi and their team might help keep their talks on the straight and narrow. Even though these talks have the backing of Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, and the personal attention of Her Excellency, Senator Padmé Amidala of Naboo, he is asking if we could provide some additional security.”

Mama looks incredulous. “He said all that in just four words?”

Joe-9T gives an apologetic sound. “I was paraphrasing of course….”

Niall doesn’t want the full version. “We’d be doing our duty as representatives of the Republic.”

Rojic pipes up. “Well I for one don’t know these people. I don’t much care to either.”

“They’re rich.”

“Okay! I’m in!”

The gran gives them instructions. “Kurnsuuetuudmuum wectuuruum. Mmruum estth nuutoore quuoom wmtteroo guuthmcoo, quuoom nuunc puutoomuus pooruum cwoorim, oontepuusuuermt wmtterooruum fuurmis huumonmtotms per seoocuuwoo quuoortoo decmmoo et quumntoo decmmoo. Euudem muuduu typm, quum nuunc nuubgerisms vmdentuur pooruum cwoorm, fmoont suuwwemnes-mn fuutuuram.”

“He says report in at ten sharp.”

“Are you sure he said that?”

“Certainly. Word for word!”

There being nothing to do for twelve hours they start arguing about universal time systems and how each is affected by the rotation of the planet, the orbits of the moons and how far or close one is to the star –or stars. The upshot being that ten o’clock on one place is probably any other time some place else. “That’s why I never wear a watch.” Karnov says, summing up.

“No. The reason you don’t wear a watch is because you can’t tell the time.”

“I can!”

“Okay. It’s time you paid that four-hundred credit debt you owe me!”

The crew arrive early to scout out the plaza in front of the conference hall. It is a nice open space with lovely mock-Byzantine architecture, patterned flagstones and a picturesque building for the storage of datapads.

Karnov says, “I’m going to take up position somewhere discreet and inconspicuous.”

Niall agrees. “Me too. -I’ll be in the coffee shop!”

Joe-9T takes up position in a sentry box, and stands stock-still. Small children gamble with their very lives as they take turns to bait him into moving or making him laugh.

A crowd gathers. Soon there are thousands thronging the plaza to hear the ambassador’s address. Our heroes take up position, and the ambassador gives his speech.

The crowd are mostly quiet and respectful. It looks as though their alarm was unfounded. Karnov and Jimmi patrol the crowd, looking for dissenters or rotten fruit. Rojic is flying high in aerial recon looking for snipers. Mama and Niall close in on the ambassador, ready for almost anything.

Jimmi scans the area. Looking with the force gives a slightly different view. Jimmi is about to report in that all is quiet when two Gran start pushing their way through the crowd to the front. This is not unusual until one of them draws something from under his jacket. The ambassador is thanking the Naboo for their patience, and singling out Supreme Chancellor Palpatine and Senator Amidala for their wisdom. Jimmi is keeping tabs on the Gran. One has something in his hand. It might be fruit, but more likely it is a pineapple. Jimmi’s spider senses tingle and Jimmi telegraphs -by telepapahy- a warning to the others: “Defend!”

Mama whips around to shield the ambassador. The Gran draw blaster pistols as one lobs in the device. A second later there is a large explosion. Several Naboo security guards and Gran guards are caught in the blast. Mama takes it full on the chest, but manages to partially shield the Ambassador. A second later she rolls him to one side and away from the Gran attackers, laying him on the podium and coming up with a blaster in her hand. She yells “Ambassador down!”

Niall and Karnov are on the situation. Karnov advances on one Gran; while Niall takes on the other. Karnov beats one back with a few sweeps of her lightsabre. Niall slashes at his. The two Gran snap off hasty shots. One at Mama and One at Niall. They both miss. The Gran try again, but both their guns spark alarmingly, and don’t fire. By this time, Jimmi has closed the gap, and is anticipating the next move. The two Jedi are pressing their attacks as the Gran draw vibro-daggers. This is Jimmi’s cue, and using the force, Jimmi lifts first one and then the other vibro-dagger from the hands of the two terrorists. Karnov yells at her opponent to surrender. She gets a punch in the ribs for this. She responds in kind, and punches the Gran in the eyes. The Gran goes down, sprawling at Karnov’s feet. The other is still battling with Niall, and it too tries to punch Niall. Niall easily sidesteps and brings the lightsabre down in an expert backhand. This slices through his attacker, who falls neatly in two halves at his feet.

Mama is desperately trying to revive the Ambassador. She gives him the kiss of life. His lifeless eyes stare at her for a moment and she thinks that she has missed any chance of saving him. Then his eyelids flutter in sequence and he sucks in a great gulp of air. Mama calls for Jimmi, who runs in and manages to lay on hands. The Ambassador clings on to life, while Mama calls out for a medic. By the time that the medics arrive, Jimmi has all but stabilised the ambassador’s condition, although he is gravely hurt.

Niall and Karnov keep the crowd back. They patrol for any other signs of terrorists, but if there are any, they melt away. Rojic flits back and forth scanning the crowd, but he too draws a blank. Mama attends the wounded, but can do little more than triage casualties. More medics arrive and she can take a backseat.

Niall and Karnov secure their one prisoner, and arrange for some Eta to remove the body of the second. They keep their blaster pistols, eager to examine them. In a quiet moment they investigate further.

“It would appear that the resonator matrix has fused, giving them one shot at most.”

“Sabotage or faulty ordinance?”

“Can’t tell. I’m no forensic expert. I only dabble.”

“What if we got them to an expert gunsmith?”

“I don’t know where one draws the line between sabotage and cheap weapon malfunction.”

Rojic flutters down. “Do you think that they were set up?”

“What makes you think that?”

“Well the Gran tossed a thermal detonator. There was an explosion, but nothing like the scale of destruction you’d expect. – A Thermal Detonator would have taken out half a city block.”

They search around and piece together what was left of the device. There are sizable chunks remaining. “This wouldn’t happen if it had triggered properly. I can only assume that the primer charge blew, but the main explosive merely scattered in the blast. If the whole thing had gone off properly, you’d be standing in a twenty-foot deep crater.”

They look at the floor. Apart form a few cracked tiles, and some carbon scoring, there is little to suggest that there ever was a bomb. “Didn’t even shatter the windows of the café.” Rojic points out, leading them over to the café. “A proper bomb would have vaporised the ambassador. –Mama too.”

“Even Mama? – She does have a considerable amount of padding.”

“I’m standing right behind you. – And with loaded blasters.”

Niall defuses the situation. “We might as well get coffee while we’re here!”

Later they are still discussing the incident. “It’s a good thing that Jimmi saw the terrorists.”

“I didn’t ‘see’ anything. I had a feeling in the force, warning me of the danger.”

Mama looks down at her shredded jacket. “I saw it in glorious technicolour.”

“That’s ‘Technicolor.’ –To be technical.”

“Touché!”

Rojic wonders, “Jimmi, do you ‘see’ in colour?”

“Or even in color?”

Jimmi says no. “I only ‘see’ the force. In black and white.”

Mama pipes up. “Except zebras. -Jimmi sees them in colour.”

Jimmi turns and regards Mama with covered eyes, and sighs, “Ironic isn’t it?”

A messenger arrives to report that the Ambassador is safe and recovering. “He sends his deepest gratitude for saving his life.”

Mama dismisses it. “Pffft! It was nothing. Jimmi did the lifesaving; I was just in the way at the time.” The messenger is slightly wrong-footed. “Well….Either way, he’d like to thank you personally when he is well enough.”

Niall and Karnov bump fists. “Naboo commendations all round!”

Niall and Karnov interview the prisoner. He reveals very little, other than the fact that “We are everywhere. We did it for Gran and for our people!”

Niall changes tack. “You do realise that someone sabotaged your weapons. That the thermal detonator was under-charged and that the power couplings on your blasters were rigged for one shot only. –Someone didn’t want you coming back.”

The Gran is not persuaded. “This is just one part of the plan! The Dug are animals…. They’ll all be dead before this time tomorrow!”

Our heroes take this warning seriously. Mama is concerned that other terrorist cells might try a similar attack tomorrow when the Dug delegates give their response.

“We should warn the Dugs.”

They all look at one another. Niall says, “This is a matter of diplomacy. The Dugs are notorious for being arrogant xenophobes. We should leave it to an expert negotiator.”

There is silence for a moment. None of them are trained in international relations. Finally Mama says, “I’ll do it.”

“Are you sure?”

“No. But I’ve taken a few lessons in diplomacy. I’ll give it a go.”

“Maybe we should wait for someone more qualified. – Such as Senator Amidala.”

“I think she’s on Coruscant. This needs a face-to face.”

Jimmi isn’t paying attention. “Mmmmmm…..”

“What is it Jimmi?”

“Oh…..Er…..I was just thinking of Senator Amidala…. I’d ‘vote’ her any day.”

Rojic mutters something under his breath. “Captain Jack, much?”

“What was that?”

“Oh, nothing….”

Mama puts on her best outfit. It isn’t much less shabby than her everyday outfit. There seems little point in everyone going, so she travels alone. The Dug delegation are firmly behind closed doors, probably watching the news feed of the day’s events, and planning their response. Mama pushes the intercom. A Dug security guard comes to the door. “What do you want?” It asks Mama in a rough, gravelly and rather unfriendly tone.

“My team and I would like to offer our services to the ambassador….You must have seen the morning news?”

The guard isn’t very keen on the idea. “Ambassador Seerl is considering prolonging the war. Unlike the Jedi, she has no aversion to taking life. Now begone!”

Mama isn’t taking no for an answer. “There have been death-threats. Ones that we must take seriously.” She tells the guard, while keeping the door open with her foot. The Dug tries to close the door. It won’t budge. Ambassador Seerl is seen at the end of the corridor.

Mama changes tack. “Ambassador! If you allowed two respectable Jedi on your security team, the Republic might be sympathetic to your cause.”

The ambassador waves a foot at her guard. She ushers Mama into the hall. “What you say makes sense. –You have hard evidence of a plot?”

“There is a terrorist cell here on Naboo, hoping that attacks on delegates of both sides will spark a resumption of hostilities.”

The ambassador wavers. “We have our own security teams.”

There is something in Mama’s tome that pierces the stony exterior of Seerl. Finally she concedes. “I suppose extra eyes and ears won’t hurt.” She extends a foot. Mama shakes it. The deal is sealed.

Back on Storm Cutter, Mama pours a stiff drink. “That was a bit scary.”

“I didn’t know you had diplomatic experience.”

Mama grins. “I don’t. –Everything I know I learned form Kory.”

“But we haven’t seen her in months.”

“No. I read her diary! Smile sweetly at people as you rob them blind. -Then charge them double for the privelege, and ask for compensation.”

They all nod sagely.

Finally Jimmi says, “But Kory didn’t keep a diary….”

“Rojic breezes in. “Hey! Who's been reading my diary?”

They settle in for another nights rest and meditation. The injured are treated by Trio, who has installed some basic medical and security software. “Go take a dip in the Bacta tank....Then run a virus scan.” She says.

“Oh nurse Trio?”

“Yes?”

“I’ve got a stiffness in the groin area. I wonder if you’d draw the screens and examine me?”

Trio puts on her sweetest nurse’s voice. “I think it’s infected with malware. I recommend amputation. Let me get my saw!”

The next day, the team are in position around the senate steps.

“This doesn’t bode well.” Niall says.

“How so?”

“Well the book depository; the senate steps; the holo-cinema is showing Macbeth, and the café is called Gräf & Stift.”

“What’s your point?”

“I think this is assassination central!”

“You’re just plucking random things out of the ether!”

“Okay. Well you sit on this grassy knoll and think about it. I’ll worry about security.”

As they did the day before, a crowd gathers. There are precious few Gran there, unsurprisingly. The security guards keep them at bay, and leave a big gap between Seerl and the masses. The speech proceeds. Seerl sets out her terms for an agreement. There is also a word or two about yesterday’s events. Mama is watching a pair of Rodians in the crowd. She directs Karnov closer. Karnov manages to move nearer without alerting the Rodians to her presence. They are nodding their consent, but not paying attention to Seerl. One of them moves off and disappears to the side. A few minutes later, the one remaining Rodian touches off a smoke bomb. In an instant the front half of the senate square is enveloped in thick white smoke. The Rodians draw blasters and aim for Seerl. A shot rings out and in the smoke a cry is heard from the ambassador. Jimmi concentrates, and lifts a hand a little. Though the Rodian cannot be seen in the smoke, he is clearly defined in the force. Jimmi wrests the blaster from the Rodian’s long fingers, and flings it to safety. Rojic, who is fluttering above draws a blaster and takes aim, waiting for a clear shot. Niall sprints to the Ambassador, who is sprawled among her entourage, and has a nasty wound to the chest. She is snarling quietly. Niall reassures her that his team are on the case. The smoke begins to clear. The Rodian is backing away form Karnov, who has lit her lightsabre and is closing fast. A speeder slews around a corner from an alley to the right, and starts straight for Karnov, who dodges at the last moment. The speeder slows a fraction to try to pick up the would-be-assassin, just as Rojic opens fire. The speeder coughs once and the motor cuts out. It drops to the ground and skids, before rolling over several times in a crash. “Women drivers!” Rojic curses.

This has given the first Rodian time to slip into the crowd. In the smoke and confusion, Karnov is somewhat hampered. She probes with the lightsabre, but is aware of harming innocent citizens. The Rodian evades several attacks. Mama is waiting for a clear shot. In the melee it is going to be a challenge. Then she can see the back of the Rodian’s head. She takes careful aim….And misses. Somewhere in the crowd an unimportant extra falls to the ground mortally wounded. Several Huttese curses grace the scene. Jimmi leaps up the steps, and helps the ambassador to her hands. Sealing the wound, Jimmi shouts for assistance. Rojic now has a clear shot on the fleeing assassin. He takes careful aim and misses the crowd. He manages to hit Karnov and thanks the stars that the blaster was set on stun. Even so, Karnov has to shake off a mighty headache. The Rodian turns to face Karnov, who scores a palpable hit with the lightsabre and fells him with one blow.

Having helped the ambassador, Jimmi tends to the bystander. They are not important enough to merit a speaking part, so they have to suffer in silence.

The senate square is cleared, and the female Rodian is pulled from beneath the wreckage of the speeder. Our heroes check the Republics least-wanted lists, and find her and her partner near the top of bottom. She is Greeta, and her late partner was Loodux.

Showing no respect for the dead, Rojic and Karnov snigger that this sounds like a bathroom cleaning product. Greeta isn’t very forthcoming with details, but they do glean that this pair are small-time hit-men from Rodia. She also divulges that a Twi’lek woman came from Tatooine to Rodia to hire them, and that the woman came in a ship named ‘Storm Wraith.”

“This mean anything to you?” Niall asks Mama, rather pointedly.

“Actually no.”

Karnov has a rare moment of insight. “Maybe it’s just a co-incidence. There’s no suggesting it was anything like a YT-2400 transport.”

“It all sounds rather fishy to me.” Rojic says, looking straight at Karnov.

The security forces drag Greeta off to the local jail. Our heroes check on Seerl, and find that she is critical but stable. They don’t bother with the injured extra in the crowd, who has been taken by air-car ambulance to the ‘Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle’ memorial hospital.

Back on Storm Cutter for lunch, our heroes tuck into a fine meal of space-weevil steaks.

Trio breaks off from some vigorous exercise and serves them a new delicacy.

“I’ve developed a sweet, it is cocoa flavoured and shaped in the form of a sleeping cat-person. -The Toydarian helped.”

“Trio, with these Farghul-Rojic’s you’re really spoiling…. for a fight!”

Joe-9T’s voice is heard form the engine bay. He coos, “Trio? Come back to the work bench! I’m all naked and ready to vote!”

The others try to ignore what is obviously going on.

Karnov sighs, “Anyway, another assassination attempt averted. -We’re two-for-two!”

“Naboo commendations all round!”

Niall sighs, “All in a day’s work for defenders of law and justice.”

Mama muses, “-And we didn’t have one single reference to gold-foil wrapped balls of nutty chocolate….Or did we?”

Karnov grins. “We deserve a rest. –Somewhere away from Trio, Sarah-Jane and Joe-9T playing ‘doctors and nurses.’ Anyone fancy the theatre tonight –somewhere away from assassination attempts?”

They all nod in agreement.

“Sounds good. What’s playing?”

“Our Alderaanian cousin!”

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Footnotes. (Not today, thankyou!)