Christmas Special. (28/12/02)

Note that there are a number of very bad puns, based on Christmas carols and pantomimes concealed in this story. The solutions are accessed via hidden hyperlinks - click on the key words to any puns you suspect and if you're right you'll see a popup window with the explanation.

This one-off Christmas special tells of the adventures of Lord Chozo's Troubleshooters in the period immediately following the capture of Hyuga province and before their return to Shikoku for further adventures (The Stone 4). The Troubleshooters have returned to the base of operations in Nobeoka, where Kimori (Anthony Hummerston) has married a local girl. The other Troubleshooters are Sugiyama (Dave Weaver), Komako (Jim Loder), Emiko (Denzil Brown) and the leader by seniority by marriage, Mariko (Paul Burton). While order is restored in the province, the Troubleshooters hone their skills: Mariko in calligraphy, kyujutsu and Chinese classics, Kimori in Precision Strike, while Sugiyama goes into the hills and with the help of a hunter he encounters develops a taisabaki skill.

One day a message arrives for the Troubleshooters from Lord Chozo. He asks them to go to Higo and Hizen provinces to win over the daimyos to Lord Chozo's side. They travel by land to Kumamoto, capital of Higo, where Mariko has very little trouble convincing the daimyo to support Lord Chozo - not only was he already pleased that they prevented the Hyugan troops fleeing into Higo, he quickly becomes enamoured of Mariko. He is sorry to hear that they have to leave and inquires why. Mariko explains htat they have to take the ferry across Shimabara Bay to Nagasaki, capital of Hizen, to talk to the daimyo there and convince him likewise. When he hears this he says, "Oh, you don't want to go there! There has been a peasant revolt, and the Daimyo is holed up in Nagasaki. But he's the Shogun's man. Your ally is Mazuda Shirou Tokisada. I hear he's in Hara Castle, near Shimabara. He'll need your advice on military tactics if the Shogun sends an army." So the Troubleshooters instead take a ferry to Shimabara and go to Hara Castle. After presenting their credentials they are taken to meet Mazuda. Once again he is won over by Mariko's rhetoric and charms. He tells the Troubleshooters about the rebellion.

"The area around Nagasaki, on the Shimabara Peninsula, has been Christianised since before 1600, but Christians have been persecuted since 1614. The Daimyo, Matsukura Katsuie charges huge taxes and high rents and frequently torture the citizens by putting them in acid baths, making them wear straw overcoats and setting fire to them, drowning, crucifying and other brutal killings. The Christian farmers eventually revolted two months ago when, after a meeting in the village of Kuchinotsu, the rebels attacked and destroyed Amakusa castle. Katsuie escaped and went to neighbouring regions for help, but they refused. Now he is waiting for the Shogun to come to his aid."

At this point Mazuda introduces a Dutch trader, Gukin Uensa ("Gookin van Saar," corrects the trader) who represents the trader's interests. Mazuda represents the farmers. The Troubleshooters notice that Gukin invariably calls Mazuda "Low-Rents". Mazuda explains it is because he opposes the extortionate taxes/rents imposed on the farmers by the Daimyo. Of course, in the local dialect this becomes "Rorentsu" - the change of letter being because there is, for the first, no equivalent in Nipponese.

Gukin leaves to find his daughter and Mazuda invites the Troubleshooters to lunch. Halfway through the meal Gukin bursts into the room where the Troubleshooters are talking with Mazuda and says, "There's a load of troops approaching from the north! My lass looked out the window while we were eating and saw them." Mazuda immediately sounds the alarm and leads the rebel troops to fend off the attack. Mariko directs the battle while the other Troubleshooters wade into action. The rebel army is 37,000 strong, but very few are trained, and Mariko estimates their strength to be slightly inferior to the 12,000 attackers, who carry the banners of the daimyo of Chikugo.

In the first hour of battle, Mariko gains a slight advantage and reduces the opposition by 2,000 troops without serious loss. She takes a head and a wound, while Sugiyama and Kimori take 5 heads apiece. In the next period the slight advantage in maintained and another 1,000 troops are killed. Mariko judges that her opponent is tactically very naïve. However, she has little time to consider this as she encounters a L3 bushi. At the same time Sugiyama encounters a L4 bushi. Both fights are short as each of the Troubleshooters scores a hit at every opportunity. Mariko emerges with one minor wound, Sugiyama with two moderate injuries. During the rest of the second hour Sugiyama goes on to take 7 more heads and Kimori takes 5.

In the third hour Mariko continues to direct a winning army, taking 2,000 more of the enemy though by now the allied losses have reached the first thousand. Mariko receives a slight wound; Sugiyama kills 4 and Kimori 2. The next hour is quieter, with the Troubleshooters only taking 3 heads between them and elsewhere on the battlefield it is a stalemate. As the day is drawing to a close Mariko launches a major attack and the opposing general makes a catastrophic blunder. Almost all the enemy are wiped out. Sugiyama does his part with 6 heads; Kimori lags behind with only 1. As dusk falls, Mariko joins the warriors in a rout of the last few enemy troops and takes 3 heads. Sugiyama weighs in with 5 heads and Kimori 2.

That evening, Mazuda gives battle honours to the Troubleshooters from the haul of weapons captured at Amakusa castle. To Mariko he gives a superior sword; Kimori receives class 9 armour; and to Sugiyama, with his second to none tally of 29 heads, he awards a master quality dai-sho and a stipend in the local area worth 31 koku.

The next day Mazuda talks to the troubleshooters and says, "I'm sending the haul from Amakusa castle to Hirado, the trading town north of Nagasaki for safety and eventual sale. I suggest you go with it and rest there for a few days. It's their Christmas festival tomorrow so it should be quite interesting. Gukin will take you in his ships."

The Troubleshooters travel in the lead ship, while their horses are carried in the second. A third ship carries most of the haul, but there is so much that some has to go on the first ship. As the haul is being put on the deck the Troublshooters are introduced at last to Gukin's daughter, Holly, who bows to them and giggles. She is blonde-haired and turns heads. She is a great favourite among the rebels.

The ships set off and sail past Nagasaki, where they are seen by the town's castle but ignored, and into Hirado, the Dutch trading port. In Hirado they are introduced to the foreigners and invited to take part in the Christmas celebrations. These include friendly contests of mock swordplay, with a Danish veteran of the Thirty Years war. He is mute and wears the armour of a knight. Sugiyama takes him on with bo-ken. After some sparring, Sugiyama lands the first blow, then some more sparring and Sugiyama gets the second hit. The Sugiyama gets a critical hit, knocks the knight down and wins the contest.

There is also a sumo wrestling contest - the local champion is enormous, so an opponent in a more appropriate weight category is sought. The only suitable weighing equipment is in the stables where it is used to weigh out feed for the horses. The contestants have to climb into this manger for the weigh-in. Kimori represents the Troubleshooters, Kobori the traders. In the first bout, the trader's man, small but athletic, throws Kimori and takes the win. It turns out that he has just returned from a sumo tournament in Fukuoka where he did quite well. Kimori resolves to beat this "ringer" and tries hard in the second bout. Kimori is pushed all round the ring, but his opponent overreaches and falls. Round two to Kimori. In the deciding bout, Kimori goes for broke, executes a pull-drop throw perfectly and sends Kobori to the floor. Another win for the Troubleshooters.

After the entertainment there is much eating and drinking. The men get drunk and can't find their way to the lodgings they have been assigned in the Avenue Mariya. In a drunken haze they stagger into the first building they find, which happens to be a church, spend the night there.

News of an army approaching and reaching Nagasaki. between Hirado and Hara Castle makes the Troubleshooters head back to Hara on a ship, leaving their horses in the village. Gukin stays with the ship, but Holly, who has taken a liking to Komako, goes to the castle. The Troubleshooters and Mazuda make plans and watch and wait for the enemy to arrive. On New Year's Day (traders' calendar), as the sounds of the watch calling the all clear in Hara town drift over the castle, an enormous Samurai army is spotted. They quickly surround the town and castle and send an emissary to see Mazuda. The leader, Matsudaira Nobusuna, demands that the rebels give themselves up for execution. Mazuda refuses and the scene is set for a major battle.

Mazuda comes to the Troubleshooters and asks them to help Holly get to safety, saying that if she is killed the rebels will lose heart. Quickly gathering some travel papers and clean, fine clothes, Mazuda hatches a plan to get the party away in the guise of porters carrying washing to Nagasaki from Shimabara, where the region's best laundry has washed it ready for the Daimyo's daughter's wedding, which is known to be in a few weeks' time. With soldiers at the castle gates and in the harbour, the only way out is to take Holly and climb down the ivy-covered castle walls and into the town.

The travel papers show Emiko to be a shinto priestess called Era, travelling to ensure the sanctity of the robes. Kimori is travelling as Gusu Akira, in charge of the porters. Sugiyama and Komako are travelling as Kabayama and Makimura, porters. Mariko is travelling as Ashikaga, a washer woman. Holly is travelling as Gusu Ruri, daughter of Akira. Only small, concealable weapons can be carried; the rest are hidden in a trunk and are not available.

In the town, the party is stopped by a patrol of about 20 Shogunate soldiers. They go into their spiel about being porters carrying washing to Nagasaki for Daimyo's daughter's wedding, but one of the soldiers was a survivor who had fled Nobeoka and recognises Komako. They immediately give chase. When Not normally a fast runner, Emiko (shinto Era) is slowed further when she loses a geta. However, the party loses most of the chasers in the town and dispatch the rest with the minor weapons they have and unarmed combet. Kimori gets separated from the others but quickly deals with the last two enemy. However, the cry is out. Very quickly it is evident that soldiers everywhere are looking for them in the town.

The party manages to sneak out of town and into the woods, but there are many troops here also. Just then they surprise a she-bear and cub. Both attack. Mariko fends off the she-bear while Kimori and Sugiyama struggle to get their swords from their place of concealment. The cub attacks Holly. Mariko manages to kill the cub with a critical hit, then Sugiyama gets a critical hit on the she-bear and kills it. No sooner have they polished them off than they discover a bear which attacks Holly and her golden hair. However, it charges into a tree and dazes itself and Kimori gets a critical hit to finish it off.

Alerted by the noise, another patrol spots them and gives chase. Five attack Kimori and Sugiyama, who again have to waste time extracting their weapons from the washing. Two more attack Mariko, Emiko and Holly. Some rapid sword play by Sugiyama and Kimori, and some excellent dagger work from Mariko soon clear the way once more. But Holly decides enough is enough. "We must change our appearance or we'll never get through the guards! There are a few spare travel papers, and plenty of clothes - unfortunately all women's clothes!" There are some spare papers in a hidden compartment in the bottom of a washing basket. Mariko and Emiko change into the porters' clothes and assume the identities Kabayama and Makimura. Kimori and Sugiyama don the washer womens' clothes and become Gusu Ruri, mother of Akira, and Tu Hanki, an old widow. Komako fishes around in the washing and also becomes a lad in girl's clothes. Holly dons a big red cloak and pulls the hood over her head to hide her blonde hair. The party sets off, looking quite different. Now Mariko and Emiko are struggling under the load of three washing baskets and a trunk.

The next patrol they meet lets them through. But as they continue through the woods a very large wolf leaps out and bites Emiko. Kimori and Sugiyama immediately leap to the trunk to get their swords, leaving Mariko and Emiko to hit it with dagger and staff. Holly shouts a warning to Sugiyama, "It's behind you!" but Sugiyama doesn't understand. Then the wolf bites him. Finally Kimori gets to his sword and cuts off the wolf's head.

The party nears Nagasaki, their new disguises working, but Mariko and Emiko are getting very tired. Mariko says they really need a packhorse. Fortune smiles for as they skirt the outskirts of Nagasaki they come across a boy coming the other way leading an ox. Inquiring if they can buy the ox, the boy says "I'm Shaka. I'm taking our ox to sell at the market. My mother told me to get a good price 'cos it's very valuable." The party has no money, but Holly reaches into the secret compartment and pulls out some pretty but cheap beads. "These beads are both valuable and magical," she tells the gullible boy. "What do they do?" he asks. "Er, they, er, if you water them they grow into a, er, pineapple tree," she stutters. The boy gives her the rope, snatches the beads and runs off.

Now the party skirts round Nagasaki, heading for Hirado to the north. Ahead they see an enormous tree. It turns out to be in the garden of the boy Shaka. Long, curved yellow fruit hang down from the tree in enormous bunches. He looks reprovingly at the party and says, "Mother gave me a right ding round my ear when this pineapple tree turned out to be a banana tree. It's a good job they're worth more than pineapples!" And with that he starts to climb up towards the bananas. As he climbs, the tree shakes and there is a bellow from higher up the tree. Something starts climbing down, slips and falls from the tree. It is a giant monkey. As the boy and party look at the fallen body, it leaps up and attacks the boy. Kimori, Sugiyama and Mariko leap to his defense and quickly cut it down.

Finally the party reaches Hirado, getting Holly to safety and reuniting her with her father. The Troubleshooters reclaim their horses and large items they left behind. They try to think up ways to lift the siege of Hara Castle, and end up sending Sugiyama with a forged order from the shogun to a courier station to pass on to the siege commander. However, when he gets there he finds the troops are already pulling out. He returns to tell the others and they get Gukin (and his daughter) to sail them round to Hara. When they get there they find that the castle has been razed and there are very few survivors. They tell of the terrible slaughter and the dreadful fire in the castle. Gukin and Holly offer to take the Troubleshooters back to Matsuyama - maybe they'll stay around, or head back to Holland.