Josephine the Vampire Slayer.
“TECLO.” PART 1 and 2
Previously:
Finally it is Friday. After some weeks, the end of the week has finally arrived. Josephine is first out of school, and first into trouble. A couple of watchers are waiting for her. She turns to back up, but there is a tide of students pushing her onward.
“What are you doing here?”
“Watching.”
“Go and watch someplace else.”
“I did, and I saw something strange.”
“Keep out of the girl’s locker room then!”
“I wasn’t in the girl’s locker room.”
“Then keep out of the boy’s locker room.”
“I saw Miss Masterson acting strangely around a graveyard.”
“What’s so wrong with that?”
Arnold interrupts their conversation. “Maybe she’s under a spell, or some evil influence?”
“Maybe she simply likes graveyards?”
“This is the Morningside graveyard we’re talking about.”
Josephine goes to walk on. “Well you’re talking: -I’m ignoring.”
Austin joins them. “What did you see?”
“We were following a lead, when she slipped into the graveyard. I’ve seen vampires there some nights.”
Josephine is dismissive. “Pffft! I always bag a few there when I visit.”
Austin asks “Did she scream for help? It’s so easy to do….Anyone can do it….” He corrects himself. “Any girl that is!”
Josephine looks at the gang. “Any homework this weekend?”
Arnold draws a big breath. “Well….”
“That’s settled then. We’re off to the graveyard. Now! We’ll get the subway, and check it out.”
The others look at one another. They shrug and trundle off after Josephine.
[Roll credits]
Some time later they are outside the graveyard. Morningside is not in the best part of town. They pass a sign showing ‘Best part of town…..3 miles.’ The graveyard is on the edge of Harlem. Over a fence is the Morningside Park, traditionally seen as the boundary between white and black New York.
Some passing wag notes. “White faces in Harlem? Good disguise!”
“We’re not in Harlem.”
“Smart ass in dumbtown? Bad idea!”
Josephine is up-beat. She indicates the graveyard as they approach. “I’ve done some business in there…..” The others shoot her shocked glances. “Slayer business!”
They look around. There is no sign of Miss Masterson. They see couple of grave diggers, and decide to ask them. However, as they pass the chapel of rest, they decide to go inside.
It is quiet and peaceful in there. This is immediately shattered by Josephine’s heels and loud voice. There is a woman there, deep in prayer.
“’Scuse me ma’am!” She whispers a little too loudly.
The woman jumps about three feet in the air in surprise.
“Sorry!” She apologises.
The woman looks at her. “Wassup? You lost?”
Austin helps. “My friend is looking for a lady.”
The woman looks at Tony.
“No my other friend.”
The woman looks at Arnold.
“He’s not my friend.”
The woman looks back at Josephine.
“White face in….”
Josephine interrupts her. “We already did that gag!”
“Joker in serious-town? Good disguise!”
Josephine explains. “We’re looking for a lady, mid thirties, white, fair hair down to about here. Spindly legs, secretary looking.”
The woman thinks. “She’d sure stand out a mile round here.”
Josephine prompts her. “So?”
“So I might have seen such a lady. Hard not to miss her. She was here yesterday, around four-thirty.”
“Here?”
“No, at the bowling alley yonder.” The old woman indicates a scruffy looking place over the way. “But I wouldn’t be going in there. There’s a whole bunch o’ strange folk that go there.” She looks around at our rag-tag bunch. “Present company and all that.”
Josephine puts her hand on the woman’s arm. “Well, we’re not going there. We’re off home to our posh neighbourhoods, never to set foot in a place in the no-man’s land between the badlands and Harlem.”
“See that you do missy.”
“We will!”
They turn to go. As soon as they are out of sight, she walks straight up to the building. A peeling sign reads ‘Teclo bowling.’ There are a couple of hired goons at the door.
“Anyone up for a game?” Josephine asks.
The goons look surprised. “I mean a game of bowls!”
The goons start to smirk.
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The Goon Brothers: Roger and Hiram Goon.
–Taken before all that unfortunate business with the bowling.
Teclo Bolwing: In its heyday, there was no need for goons.
Previously (Recap)
Finding out that Miss Masterson has been frequenting a rather disreputable bowling establishment, Teclo Bowling. The slayer and the scoobies have made their way there and in true hero fashion, are hanging back, all guns not blazing, and watching. Only Arnold has an excuse. –He’s a watcher.
As they observe, it is indeed a villainous hive of scum and wretchedness....
Talking of which, some scummy villains are in evidence tonight. Some very wretched kids go in, but more chillingly, there are a few demons keeping a low profile and going in too.
The entrance is guarded by two goons. The goon brothers are checking everyone who goes in, but few, if any, are being turned away.
“Interesting clientele they have in there!”
Josephine looks strained. “It’s setting off my spider senses. They’re all jingling and jangling!”
Tony is peering over the road into the gloom. “I wonder if Miss Masterson is in there. I wonder what she’s doing. I wonder what she’s wearing….”
“You’re getting obsessed with her, Tony.”
“That’s a different movie!”
They decide to stake it out some more. In fact many of them peel off watching duty, and return home for supper and a change of clothes. They feel that school uniform might arouse suspicion among the select customers. Finally, Josephine decides upon a direct approach. “I’m making a bold frontal approach, through the main doors.”
“Across the minefield?”
“Across the minefield of the edge of Harlem and the badlands of Spanish Harlem, all the while running the gauntlet of demons, monsters and feral teenagers.”
“You’ve only got to cross the road.”
“Even that can be dangerous.”
Tony says. “I’m still thinking of a clever remark about Josephine’s bold front!”
Austin chips in. “Well, it is cold out here!”
“Not really surprising for late November!”
“How late is it in November?”
“Well, thanksgiving was a week ago, week, so it’s very late, almost December!” [ 126 ]
Finally they are all ready. There is no activity of any kind in the cemetery behind them.
Josephine comments “They must know that I’ve set up shop in the graveyard.”
The others try not to snigger too loudly.
“Maybe the demons have slayer senses, and they’re all tingling?”
“I have that effect on most people.”
Arnold says dryly. “We’re immune.”
In unison, Tony and Austin say “Speak for yourself!”
Arnold is thinking. This is often regarded as a bad idea. He is also thinking aloud.
“What if they’re not pleased to see us?”
“They haven’t even met us yet!”
“What if I go in alone?”
“We’ll wait here, and wait for the inevitable screams!”
Tony is reflective. “Maybe they have one of those signs….”
“What NINA – No Irish need apply?”
“I was thinking more like ‘No Irish no dogs’, but the genuine racism still hurts as much.”
Josephine makes light of it. “Shame they don’t have those signs outside libraries. –Or school for that matter.”
Tony says. “Maybe it’s a private members club?”
Arnold observes. “With its prime location next to the pawn shop, the gunsmiths, and the provider of herbal cigarettes, it’s in the best and swankiest part of town.”
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Josephine is thinking. “Maybe I’ll simply walk in, and then use myself as bait.”
Someone coughs. “Jail bait.”
Josephine turns on them. “What was that?”
“Nothing!”
Austin asks “Don’t you have a secret identity?”
“Yes. I do. Trouble is everyone knows it!”
Arnold says “If you go and walk right on over, they’ll see you coming.”
Arnold continues. “They’re the criminal and demonic classes. They’re bound to see you as a shining beacon of righteousness.
“Yeah, rub your thighs together enough and there’ll always be light!”
Josephine looks around shocked. “Who said that?”
They all shake their heads.
Josephine is curious. “What do you mean by criminal class -Is that one of the ones in school I should actually go to?”
Arnold explains. “No an underclass. Below working class and above demon class.” He looks at the blank faces all around. “Don’t you even have a class system here in America?”
They all shake their heads. Austin asks. “So what are the main classes back in England-land?”
“There is the upper class. The landed gentry, peers of the realm, and wealthy landowners. And then there are poor people.” He thinks for a moment. “And then there’s bankers.”
“We have them here too!”
“Wow!”
Austin has been checking out the bowling alley clientele. “It’s mostly young urchins, and alien-looking demonic denizens.”
“Dennis who?”
“Exactly!”
Arnold is looking over the demonic representatives on show as they file into the bowling club. They are also giving Josephine and her cronies a wide berth.
“Wow! Oooh! Look at that one! Eeew! – You don’t see many tenebrous demons out at this time of the day! They don’t come up to the surface that often!”
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Tenebrous demon.
“Do my eyes look a bit bloodshot?”
“Keep that up Arnold, and you won’t either!”
Tony quips. “On balance, I hear Josephine doesn’t go down very often either.”
Josephine misses the reference. “Oh, never!”
“What never?”
“Well, hardly ever!”
Arnold is still looking over. Some demon has arrived by chauffeur driven car.
“Some demons still have class.”
“Some are still in school?”
“Not that type of class. Class! Status! The trappings of rank and position!”
Austin asks. “Is it cabaret night?”
“Don’t think so.”
Austin suggests. “Maybe Josephine can go in and round them up. Herd them back into the hell dimension they came from.”
Josephine muses. “I could paint myself green, and het horns. Would you still fancy me horny?”
Everyone sniggers but Arnold. He announces. “I’m going to go home and look up what ‘horny’ means.”
“Why not ask your parents?”
“No point asking my father, he doesn’t know. Mom told him so. - It was just before she left with the chargé d’affairs.”
“I think that sums up your parent’s relationship all over.”
“Well she was all over him I’m sure!”
Austin looks over, he does some rough calculations. “I’d say there was a high concentration of minor demons in there. Possibly about twenty or so.”
“We could sneak over, and take a closer look.”
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Demon: “Do you like my jumper? My mom knitted it!”
“What with Arnold and his amazing jazz ensemble backing us up all the way?”
Austin reconsiders. “So, just you and me then….?”
Arnold can’t help showing off his knowledge. “Y’know, ‘jazz’ is actually a rough translation for ‘crooked music’ –it’s German…..”
Josephine looks over at him, “I think I’d rather go and get myself beaten to a pulp rather than stand here listening to you!”
Josephine decides on the bold frontal approach. “I’ll go and accost someone. That young goon there on the door will be a good start.”
“He is rather young. –For a goon.
“Maybe he’s an intern?”
“If he doesn’t let me in, he’ll be contemplating his internals!”
As she walks over to the bowling club, Josephine spies a familiar face. “Hey you!”
A man turns around. Whether it is the residual effect of the true-seeing paste on her eyes, or simply recognition, isn’t clear. The man is Principal Bourbon’s partner. The demon-faced man turns and looks at her quizzically, trying to remember where they’ve met before.
“It’s…Um…Err….Miss…?”
“Hannigan. You’re Principal Bourbon’s demo….er…demi…er…” Not wanting to insult his demonic heritage she searches for a word “Demi…er.. demitasse?”
The man looks at her quizzically. “Demitasse is a small coffee cup.”
“Oh.”
“I think the word you’re looking for is demon.”
“Well, no offence meant.”
“None taken.”
She changes tack. Rather lamely she asks. “Come here often?”
“None of your business.”
As a riposte she tells him. “None taken.”
The man sees Austin, Tony and Arnold trying to sneak around the building. They are stepping over a discarded toilet. He tells Josephine “Your friends over there -on the sanitary ware- are walking into a trap!” Tony is stepping over a down-and-out office worker and a homeless jazz quartet. The demon continues. “I allowed them to know the location of the administrator, and they’re quite safe from the pitiful little band….” He takes on a mocking tone. “The deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive.”
Josephine is dismissive. “Pfft! They’re not my friends!”
She approaches the door, and the hired goons. They are relishing a confrontation, but not relishing a straightforward fist-fight.
Meanwhile, in a sudden burst of action, Tony, Austin and Arnold are sneaking around the back of the bowling alley along an alley. Tony has a handy jemmy in his hand, and a mean look on his face. He tries a fire exit. It’s jammed shut.
“Maybe you should try levering it with Arnold’s top lip?” Austin says helpfully.
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Alley.
Josephine and the Demon are still arguing as they approach the goons. The demon is saying. “Anyway, what business is it of yours what I do, and where I do it.”
“Because I’ll beat you to a pulp if you don’t tell me.”
“Beat me to a pulp? A ninety-pound girl?”
“Ninety five – Actually!”
The goons interrupt. “Well if it isn’t the ‘slayer.’”
The demon gulps. “The slayer?”
“I had a secret identity. I stress the word ‘had’”
“I’ll tell you anything you want to know!”
“Did you see a woman here yesterday. About so tall, possibly wearing red and in high heels. -And she was white?”
“Maybe. I’ve seen her. She’s often in here.”
“Not bowling I presume?”
“No. She has an office in there.”
“She in there now?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“That’s it! I’m going in!”
The goons grin. “No you’re not.”
“Why not.”
“You’re the slayer.”
“Then that should give you some clue as to what will happen if you don’t let me in!”
“It gives a clue, but you still aren’t going in.”
Josephine pushes past them. “Just watch this!” She goes to go inside. An invisible barrier keeps her from going any further than the front step.
Josephine is offended. “What?”
“We told you that you couldn’t go in.”
She looks at her friendly demon. He shrugs, and goes in.
The goons are smirking. She starts to advance, they back off into the sanctuary of the building.
Meanwhile, Tony, Austin and Arnold are trying their luck around the back alley. Smutty euphemisms aside, they finally force open the fire exit, only to find the same invisible force is keeping them back. –As well as a whole corridor full of chairs, junk, boxes and rubbish. “So much for fire regulations!”
“Maybe we should start one to prove a point!”
They try the window of the cloakrooms, with the same invisible force keeping them at bay. –Plus the added force of the smell. They retreat to a safe distance. Strangely enough, they meet Josephine, licking her wounds. –She’s got a bit of a bloody nose. –Eeew!
“Some invisible force is keeping us from getting in. Try as we might, we can’t gain access.”
“Sounds like Josephine’s perfume!”
Josephine rounds on Austin. “You said it drives you wild!”
“It does. Well, maybe not ‘wild’, more like ‘livid.’”
“Does it bring you out in a rash?”
“Now that you mention it…..”
“Well stop wearing it!”
Arnold is racking his brains. “Possibly it’s some kind of spell. A warding spell?”
“What about ‘bar beasts?’”
“I think you mean ‘bar men.’”
“But what about me?”
“You’re a girl.”
“-And?”
“Maybe it works on girls as well.” Tony says. “Maybe we should cast it on Josephine’s bedroom!”
After some discussion, they decide to research bar spells. –That means Arnold then.
They regroup a couple of hours later. They are in a variety of casual clothes. Most of them have gone for the street urchin look, but Arnold has decided to emulate the jazz look, by dressing in a tweed zoot suit.
He beams at them. They try to ignore him. Finally they deign to ask him if his researches have been successful.
“Well, I consulted several grimoires, and a codex, and….”
“But did you get anywhere?”
Arnold looks proud. “Well, finally I found what I needed win the ‘eye-spy book of demons.’”
“Do you need any material components? –Such as the kilt of abundance, and the horn of plenty?”
“I’m not familiar with those items.”
“Somehow we knew that!”
Josephine is resolute. “Well I’m going on in.”
“If the barrier can be broken down, the bouncers are still going to kick you out into this warm and balmy evening.”
“Yeah, the sleet is almost at optimum temperature now. –Freezing, stinging and very wet at the same time.”
“We could try the counter spell and gain access through the girl’s cloakroom.”
Arnold is not so keen on this idea. “What if I get stuck with my head part-way through the bars? –Like last time?”
“Is this something you want to share with us Arnold?”
“Maybe we should find a dumpster and climb up onto the roof. There may be access there, or a piece of roof felt we can peel back to gain access.”
“Good idea!”
They nonchalantly wander around to the back alley, and find a dumpster.
They form a human pyramid.
After some struggling, they are no nearer grabbing the fire escape ladder, still tantalizing feet above their reach.
“It’s no good; we can’t keep Arnold inside the dumpster, and try to boost Austin.”
“Why not?”
“Coz Austin is the heaviest.”
“I’m not going in the dumpster.”
“Why not?”
“Its full of cat pee, and dead animals, and rotting food.”
“It was alright for Arnold.”
“But it’ll be one hell of a job getting the smell off afterward!”
“Yeah. Once the tweed smell gets in the garbage, the only remedy is to burn it to at least a three-block radius!”
Finally they let Arnold stand on the lid of the dumpster, and with him and Austin making the base of the pyramid, Josephine and Tony can scramble up. They help the others climb up too. They avoid trying the fire exit door, and do the pyramid trick again to get on the roof.
Austin says. “Next time, we’ll simply toss Josephine on the roof.” He looks around, hoping to get a big laugh.
“What? Not even a chuckle?”
“We’re too scared!”
They look around. The roof is in reasonable repair. There are a few vents and grilles, but no obvious ways in. Arnold starts the ritual. He invites the others to chant, but they are more interested in jemmying up a grille in the roof.
“Aut viam inveniam aut faciam….” [ 127 ]
He waves something that resembles an old sock. It smells of juniper berries, sweet-mint, and old socks.
“Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est….” [ 128 ]
He sprinkles something that resembles biscuit crumbs on the roof.
“What are the crumbs for?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why?”
“I got hungry. Unfortunately I can’t fit more than five biscuits in my moth at once.”
“Don’t you mean ‘mouth?’”
“Sorry, still wrestling with the biscuit!”
“I’m sorry to say that I think the biscuit is winning!”
They try their luck with the vent. They can see an office down below. They can hear the rustling of papers, but whatever it is that is making the sound is too far away to see.
“We need a periscope!” Says Austin.
Josephine frowns. “I thought they only worked when you need to look up.”
Arnold tries to make a joke. “We need an Australian periscope!”
Instead of laughing at his humourless take on Josephine’s ignorance, The others are all looking puzzled.
“Australia is upside down!”
“Eh?”
“They all stand on their heads down there.”
“Down where?”
“Down under!”
“’Down under’ is not Australia Arnold.”
“It is!”
“Not when you’re standing in upper Manhattan it’s not!”
“Oh.”
Meanwhile, Tony has gone to fetch a handy inspection mirror. There is a horrendous snapping noise, and then he ascends again to join them.
“Where did you get that?”
“Out of my toolkit.”
“Looks like you snapped it off a fifty-five Dodge Coronet.”
“Nah, it was in my toolkit all the time.”
“There’s a guy down there yelling about the state of his car.”
“He’s a demon. What do they know about automobiles?”
“They know when someone has ripped a vital piece of kit from the front fender!”
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Dodge. Note: Only one side mirror remains.
Tony angles the mirror through the hole that he has made. Lying full length on the roof, and squinting, he can see things in the mirror.
“What can you see?”
“Wonderful things!”
Josephine’s voice raises a whole octave in anger. “If you don’t move that mirror in under one micro-second Tony, you’ll find yourself wearing it as a neck brace!”
“Sorry Josephine.”
There is some nice mock-wood paneling. There is a desk, and on the desk, several large sheets of newspaper are rustling. He angles the mirror for a better look, but cannot get one. “There must be a fan down there, rustling the pages.”
“Nothing more exiting than that?”
“Not really. Besides, the mirror is still all steamed up.”
“Time to go inside then. Arnold is that ritual finished yet?”
“Still trying to find some virgin’s blood.”
They wait.
“What now?”
“I seem to have cut my finger.”
“Oh?”
“-And for some reason, the bar is lifted!”
“At last. Good boy. We won’t tell a soul.”
They all snigger behind his back.
“What about these papers rustling?”
“Maybe there’s a resident poltergeist.”
“How did he get membership?”
They make a hole in the roof a little way from the office vent.
“What do we do now?”
“I say take off and nuke it form orbit. –It’s the only way to be sure.”
“To be sure of libraries.”
“Thanks Josephine, we were hoping for you to lead the way.”
“Okay!”
With that, she drops back into the alleyway. By the time the others have climbed down, she’s go the door open. It looks like a government warehouse behind the door. Boxes and crates are stacked in rows to the horizon. They start to push through, moving the Ark of the Covenant to one side, propping a horn up against the wall, were it continues to spit out lavish gifts, and wiping their feet on a tartan skirt for men, which has a label claiming all sorts of lewd properties. They barge through, and out into the main bowling alley.
Teclo bowling is as scruffy and run-down on the inside as it is on the outside. Zinc tables with Formica tops are bolted to the floor in a diner area.
They check out the kitchen. A nervous chef looks back at them, a cleaver in his hand. The sous chef is too scared to look around. They respond by making crude comments about the cuisine. “I wouldn’t eat here. I think I saw the waiter put his thumb in the soup.”
“He did. There was quite a lot of blood in it too. –From the severed thumb!”
Austin points. “This chef is the fish chef. Or as they say in French, ‘poissonier.’ Or as we say, ‘poisoner.’”
Arnold even gets in on the act. Misquoting Fanny Cradock, he says. "Only Josephine gets in a mess in the kitchen."
The bowling lanes are being played by a few minor demons and a few almost-feral teenagers. Some rock-and-roll music plays in the background. There is a marked silence as they stride across the back of the lanes. Within a few seconds all that can be heard are Josephine’s heels on the floor. To stop the noise she turns to her right, and up some stairs. The others follow, feeling eyes on their backs at every step.
At the top is a viewing gallery. There are also a few doors. One is heavily studded and barred. Josephine gives it a shove. Inside is a kind of cell, with a heavy iron cot, bolted to the floor, and shackles on the wall.
“Just like your room back home.”
She glances back. The others are all ashen faced, trying not to give anything away. Josephine unlimbers Barry. The others all put their hands over their mouths in mock dumbness. “I’m glad Barry came along. In case I meet any mime artists!”
The next room is someone’s office. There are papers on a desk, a filing cabinet and a notice board. “This could be the office that we saw from the roof.”
“No fan though.”
“No one here either.”
Arnold is in full Sherlock Holmes mode. “They were a minute ago. This empty cup is still warm. -And it has red lipstick on it.”
“That’ll be the goon on the door. I said brilliant scarlet wasn’t his colour!”
There is a noise behind them. Several monsters, demons and evil looking teenagers are coming to have a polite conversation with them.
“Good. I hate all this small talk. I’ll bury Barry into some beast’s back, and take it from there!”
They fan out onto the gallery. Down below are meaner looking demons and people.
“Showtime!”
