“C’MON BILLY” PART 1
Previously.….
Robert Derby is looking all Victorian. He hands Josephine a dress. “Please. Try this on. If it fits, then I’ll buy it for you….Please, indulge me. I know about the dreams…We should…..Talk.”
A woman comes over, -she interrupts- and looks grumpy. “Got you too has he? Old Bob’s always flirting with young girls. Don’t worry sweetie, he’s completely harmless.”
He is apologetic. “It’s my …. ‘Niece’, she looks like you and is about your size, and I want to get her a dress for her ….birthday.”
The lady is scornful “Pffft, he says that to all his girls.”
Cut to: The diner across the street.
Derby reels off a list….
“Amy Derby, my daughter.”
He hands over some pictures, identifying each one as he does so.
“Hannah Fox.”
“Irena Malinovsky.”
“Ushia Myekar.”
“They all died.” He is near to tears. “Killed by the forces of darkness. The same forces that inhabit your dreams, and reach for you from beyond the grave. You’ve heard of demons and vampires haven’t you? Fictional in movies yes, but I assure you, quite real in life.”
Josephine looks at him over the Formica table.
He continues. “You are the chosen one. The ‘Slayer.’ -You are the force that stands between the sane world and the darkness. Your birthright. Your destiny, our sal…….”
Derby faints. Josephine removes the crushing weight of his wallet from Derby’s chest, and substitutes the cup of tea for an egg sandwich. “Salad?” she asks.
Later: Atop the Belvedere in Central Park.
Josephine asks. “So what are you doing up here?”
“Watching. That’s what a ‘Watcher’ does.”
Cut to:
The attractive vampire lady sprawled seductively across the Corvette, directing her vampy minions who are rounding up prom goers into a laundry van.
Later: Tony lighting the gasoline that speeds off after the red corvette. Then as it turns a corner, a fireball.
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Fireball. Tony: “I was nowhere near Oakland!”
Cut to: The same lady closing the door behind the gang as they burst in on Derby. She kicks out at the door, which slams shut behind her, ominously… “So nice of you to join us….” [Roll credits].jpg)
Woman: "My agent made me do it."
Fade up on same scene.Tony yells. “She’s a vampire!”
Quicker than a flash, Josephine has drawn Barry the Hatchet, and is holding it under the woman’s throat. Only her non-tingling spider senses prevent her from completing the head-removing manoeuvre.
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Barry the hatchet and Douggie Dagger.
The woman manages a muted scream at the display of barely restrained violence from Josephine. Austin readies the balls in his pocket. He is ready to clunk the woman or Josephine as needed.
Austin yells. “Do it! –And stick a lemon in her mouth as well!”
Tony interrupts. “By the look on her face, that might already have happened. Besides, it should be a bulb of garlic….”
“I always get those two confused. There were certainly very few takers for my home-made lemonade in the local vampire community.”
The woman obliges all parties by going a pale colour, rolling her eyes and fainting dead away. Only quick thinking makes Josephine withdraw Barry before making a more permanent mark on her neck.
“Is this some new-fangled vampire trick?” She asks.
The people in tweed suits all look shocked. One of them manages to say “Is this some new-fangled slayer trick?”
Tony explains: “This woman was last seen burying her fangs into Principal Harvey, and driving off in a cherry red Corvette. –That exploded sometime later -I’ve no idea why….”
To steer the conversation away from the burning Corvette, Josephine tells them. “She’s done more crime than Jimmy Hoffa!”
The suits remind her. “Jimmy Hoffa is on the level.”
“That’s as may be, but I tell you, that man is heading for a sticky end.”
“He’s got friends as high as the vice president.”
“I’m telling you that Richard Nixon is in for a sticky end too!”
The suits discuss for a second or two. The leader of them says. “This must be the slayer!”
Josephine looks over at them. At their sombre suits and even more sombre demeanour. Their ‘standard English’ accents and the faint whiff of education and mothballs give them away. Recognising them as the watchers council, she asks snidely. “Are your family over, Arnold?”
Austin is still not quite on the ball. He looks at the fainted lady. “Are we gonna set her on fire or what?”
Tony looks up, he speaks without really thinking. “I did that! I do that a lot….”
The watchers reiterate. “You’re the slayer.”
Austin leaps in with a funny. “I’m the slayer, and so’s my wife!”
Josephine grimaces. “Ignore him. He’s only a baseball jock.”
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Watchers. “Look! Every time you open the book,
the cardboard slayer pops up and stakes the cardboard vampire…Cute!”
Tony leans close to the fallen woman. He takes her pulse.
“No Tony, that’s not the place. Here!”[ 107 ]
Tony offers. “I’ll loosen her clothing. Shall I undress her completely, or leave something to the imagination?”
“That’ll do. Now do some fanning.”
Josephine looks over. “Yeah, fanning her with her own corset is probably the best thing to do.”
Arnold offers his kilt to do fanning. Josephine is shocked. “No Arnold. For pity’s sake! No!”
Tony asks. “Are you entitled to wear that tartan?”
Arnold looks down. “Ummmm…..”
Josephine rounds on the watchers. “What the heck is going on here?” She looks at Derby. “-And what are all these stuffed animals?”
Derby looks apologetic. “I’m allowed stuffed animals in here. It’s a form of conservation. I shoot endangered species, so they’re preserved for future generations….”
The watchers cut the conversation short. They tell Derby “We’re reliving you of duty. Or rather, relieving you of a duty that you’ve assumed, -but are not entitled to.”
Derby looks downcast. In his defence, Josephine asks “Can he keep the stuffed beaver?”
The watchers ignore her. Our heroes are staring open mouthed at Derby, who shrugs.
Austin still hasn’t quite got the measure of the watchers. “Are they encyclopaedia sellers?”
Josephine visibly shudders. “Those guys give me the wiggins. These guys…” –She indicates the massed ranks of tweed in front of her. “-Give THOSE guys the wiggins.”
Tony indicates the slowly reviving woman on the floor. “She looks like some vampire chick we know.…”
The head watcher shakes his head.
Tony is not convinced. “She trashed the prom, ate the principal, and more importantly crashed a lovely Corvette.”
The head watcher is dismissive. “Miss Masterson? –I don’t think so.”
Tony asks “-And Mister Derby?” The head suit looks at him. “His role as watcher is over, -and should never have begun again.”
Arnold is still concerned over the identity of the lady. He helpfully splashes some holy water on a handkerchief, and dabs it first on her hand, then her brow.
Austin is shocked at the state of the handkerchief.
“Arnold, it’s supposed to have creases, not hinges!”
“It’s only the starch. We use it everywhere; at least the maid does, even on our underwear!”
Josephine is still taking in the revelation that Derby is not her watcher. She asks “Are you gonna file a malpractice suit?”
The watchers look at her quizzically. She can’t help clarifying by muddying the waters. “A malpractice suit. -It’s what you’d wear on Sundays to feel up the patients!”
The suits are shocked at what she is implying, and her mangling of their precious language.
The watchers start to sum up. The head watcher starts to pour scorn on Derby and Josephine, and has plenty of contempt for the rest of the gang.
“It’s bad enough that the slayer is an American…” He almost spits the word out.
“Without a gang of hangers-on, ne'er-do-wells and misfits to help. -I hear they even have a couple of Negro mages in their ensemble.” [ 108 ]
The censors cone out and shake their heads over the ‘N’ word.
The head watcher turns to Arnold. “As for you, we’re afraid that you appear to have been led astray.”
Arnold thinks for a moment. “It’s true. After a year here in New York, I occasionally use a contraction…..”
Austin pipes up. “That explains the starched underwear situation!”
Arnold counters the accusation. “But one might say I’m a ‘rough diamond….’”
Josephine asks. “Who’s American?”
“You are!” The watchers all exclaim.
“I’m not! My mother is Irish!”
Austin tries to change tack. “Anyway, she’s not a vampire slayer, she’s a demon slayer. She only does vampires as a sideline….”
The others smirk behind his back, even Derby smiles a little.
Josephine tries to clarify. “It all started when I dusted a vampire in school. Then Tony burned it down….”
Tony vehemently denies this. “It was…Er… Termites. Very bad infestation. The building was rotten.”
The others chime in.
“Dreadful.”
“Awful!”
Austin turns to Josephine. “Take the fifth!”
Arnold says. “Ask for the Miranda.”
“Miranda?”
“Before the trial.”
“Can Miranda do the time for me too? Only I have a trip to the shops planned for the next twenty years.”
The deputy watcher chimes in. “Mister Derby is not on trial. -Though one must question his motives.”
“Mister Derby was ably assisting me with the tracking down and destroying of a travel demon, and eliminating some of its food sources at the same time.”
Arnold offers. “He’s Josephine’s chaperone. Or is that gigolo?”
Josephine interrupts. “I found out the difference….The hard way!”
The watchers ask if there is any pattern to the vampire slaying, or more recently, demon slaying. Tony suggests that the vampires are trying more and more desperate attempts to escape from the island. “Maybe they need Kurt Russell” He adds.
“No point. Unless they wish to eat him, -he’s only six!”
Finally Miss Masterson wakes up form her faint. As she struggles to her feet, and observes her state of partial undress, Josephine makes an apology of sorts. “I thought you were someone else.”
Austin says “She mistook you for a dead woman, and judging by your fashion sense, it’s an easy mistake to make!”
The watchers try to get to the bottom of the whole story by taking it from the top. Before they can utter more than a few words, Josephine interrupts. “Sorry, but this’ll have to wait. Can we take a rain-check? -Only it’s a school night, and I’ve got tons of homework for Arnold to do.”
The watchers can hardly believe their ears. “School? What about your slayer training? For that matter, when do you train?”
Josephine puts on her most innocent voice and says sweetly, “Oh, mister Derby has been hard at it most nights, when the museum staff have all gone home and…..”
“-And?”
“-And Arnold watches!”
Arnold is in on the joke. But in all seriousness he says. “We even take it in turns.”
The watchers are rather stunned. They go on the offensive. “Are all Americans so offensive and rude?”
“Only to the British.”
They ask “What about the official watcher? Where is Rachel Key?”
In unison, Josephine and her friends say “Who?”
“Here is the apprentice watcher.” They indicate Arnold. “But where is Miss Key?” [ 109 ]
Josephine is still a little stunned at this news. She tells them that as far as she is concerned, Derby is her watcher. The watchers shake their heads. Then they ask “How did you two meet?”
“At a dress store. He bought me a dress and a soda.”
“And he said he was your watcher?”
“Not as such, no.”
“Did he give any indication that he might not be a watcher?”
“I Dunno. Isn’t it a secret society? Does it have a secret handshake? Do you have a secret password?”
Tony and Austin both cry “Swordfish!”
Behind them Miss Masterson makes a note to change the password.
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“Swordfish!”
The watchers continue. “Going back a bit, did you say he bought you things? Didn’t you think he was….” Josephine interrupts. “A Pedagogue? Or is it a pedestal?” Austin asks “Does he have feet of Clay?”
Tony is tiring of this. “Aye Carumba! -And that’s not Mexican, it’s Puerto Rican.”
Austin says. “But it smells of chilli!”
“Different place altogether.”
Arnold says. “It has glaciers.”
Josephine finishes with. “To fix the windows!”
The watchers stand stunned. They cannot quite fathom quite what the youngsters are going on about.
Josephine shuffles from one foot to the other. She yawns. To make the point she yawns again. A big cavern appears. The watchers are still discussing the possibilities among themselves.
“Could it be a cold-war plot?”
Josephine interrupts their deliberations. “Is there a war on? I thought you got over that. -Centuries ago.”
Austin shows his grasp of modern political debate. “From Stettin in the Adriatic to Trieste in the Baltic an ‘iron curtain’ has descended across the continent.”
Arnold says. “I think you made a mistake in your quotation.”
“Yeah, a curtain doesn’t descend; it pulls from side to side!”
Arnold reminds him. “Not at the opera. You have been to an opera haven’t you?”
Austin shakes his head.
“Thought not.”
Austin suddenly brightens. “I took Velma once. There was nothing on. There was nothing on at the opera either!”
The watchers note. “See the youth of today? Diverted from opera and subverted by rock-and-roll.”
Josephine adds. “See? I’m being subverted!”
The watchers go into a huddle, when they come out again, they tell the gang that they’ll review the situation and make some notes. They warn “In the meantime, there is to be no contact with mister Derby.”
Josephine cannot help but correct them. “That’s ‘Derby.’ You imbeciles! What language are you speaking?”
“It’s the queen’s English!”
“Your queen is German!”
“Shhh!”
Arnold notes. “D’you know that ‘coleslaw’ is German cabbage salad. Its origins are Dutch however. The term ‘koolsla’ is a shortening of ‘koolsalade.’
Josephine grimaces, and offers “Shall I stake him?”
The watchers agree. “Go right ahead. He’s an annoying little twerp anyway!”
Tony tells them. “He’s educated, but not house trained. In fact he’s not long out of the tweed mines.” Austin corrects him. “Tweed tree.” Josephine asks “Is that the ones you get the oil from? Tweed tree oil?”
“I think he slipped on the oil and fell on his head.”
Arnold isn’t listening. He asks the watchers “Where is the official watcher?”
Derby tells him. “I don’t know. I know nothing!”
“Do you know anything about her disappearance?”
“No. Only that she was English, in her forties with dark hair.”
Arnold asks the watchers “Did she have a wedding ring? Only we found one attached to a finger in the sewer the other day.”
“Anything on the ring?”
“No. Nothing. It’s a plain gold band. Only when I threw it in the fire did I see the Elvish letters.”
Josephine tells them. “The ring’s gone now though. It’s got lost. Very lost. Very, very lost.” She wriggles the exact same ring off her pinky finger into her pocket. “Elvish has left the building!”
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The Watchers go into a huddle again. Arnold whispers to the others. “It’s like watching the Hungarians all over again.”
“Eh?”
“Football. Soccer? World cup? Nineteen fifty four?”
They all look at him blankly.
“They were cheating!”
“What are you alleging?”
“Allegedly they were cheating!”
Tony comes to his aid. “Allegedly J. Edgar Hoover is a transvestite!” They all look at him. “J. Edna Hoover!”
The Watchers have come out of their huddle. They announce “As of now, Mister Edwards is appointed watcher.”
Tony asks “Who?”
Josephine gets it. “Oh, you mean Arnold.”
Arnold swells with pride. “Thanks. Anytime you want me to hold your coat, let me know.”
The watchers continue. “Mister Derby is relieved of any duty. The slayer and her assistants are forbidden to have any contact with him.”
Josephine crosses her fingers in a way that the watchers cannot see. “Okay!” She turns to Derby. “Go on! Sling your hook!”
The watchers consult their watches. “We’ll reconvene here tomorrow at ten o’clock sharp.”
“Sorry, no can do. It’s a school day. I got to be there. It’s the law.”
The watchers can’t believe what they’re up against. The rest of the gang can’t believe that Josephine actually wants to go to school.
The watchers agree. “Okay. Six o’clock. -If you insist.”
Josephine picks up her stuff. “Okay we’re leaving!”
They start to file out of the door. In a stage whisper Josephine is overheard to say “-And if you give me any orders Arnold, then Austin will be getting two new balls to play with. Their names will be ‘Arnold’s left’ and ‘Arnold’s right.’ Comprende?”
Arnold says meekly “I’m only here to extend the life of the slayer.”
Austin also stage whispers. “Time to take Josephine to bed…..-And tuck her in!”
She gives him a venomous look. “-And you are so not doing it.” [ 110 ]
Tony says “Now that I wanna see”
They leave the museum. Josephine is surprisingly upbeat. “I showed them! I’m worth a hundred of them. It’s the power of my rhetoric. Compared to the sports team, I’m an intellectual giant.” Over the sniggering form the others, Austin cuts her down to size. “According to the New York Giants, you’re also a jolly good sport!”
The next day is a dreary old school day. By second period, Josephine is looking bored. Tony is also getting nervous. The janitor has removed a number of mirrors from the boy’s locker room, so he can’t get in his daily preen. Arnold is looking forward to science class. The other day they set up some experiments, and today is results day.
Science class starts. Josephine and Tony have decided to sneak out of school and against the watchers council’s wishes, they go to visit Derby.
Tony manages not to get waylaid by any mirrors on the way. But Josephine is not so lucky. She has her hand on the handle of the door when a fierce-sounding “Hannigan!” bellows down the corridor. It’s Principal Anne Bourbon. She’s not in a good mood.
“Where do you think you’re going, young lady?”
“Out.”
“I presume you have a note?”
“Nope”
“Well, you’d better get right on back to class, or get a note. -Before I rack up any more punishments…..”
Josephine shrugs, and in doing so, turns the handle of the door. There is a long wailing “Hannnnnigaaaannnn!” after her. Mrs. Bourbon yells “You’ll be in detention well into your thirties for all your sins!”
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Principal Bourbon.
“What I need is shot of Kentucky corn whiskey, and a nice chocolaty biscuit.”
Back in science class, the students are looking over the results. The Petri dishes has been contaminated by ink, and the crystals have all been trashed. The experiments are ruined.
“Maybe someone ate the agar?”
“I hope they had a big chunk!”
“Why so?”
“It’s a powerful laxative!”
One of the other boys asks to be excused to go to the bathroom suddenly.
There being nothing for it, the teacher, Mister Tee asks Arnold to hand back the test papers that he’s graded. As Arnold distributes them, he sees what he can only describe as an anomaly. Several of the mediocre students have got significantly higher grades than normal, and even Billy Crane, a slacker that gives Josephine a good name has gotten an ‘A.’ Arnold checks for plagiarism. The papers are not copied from any source that he knows of, nor are they similar. It might be a case of collaboration though. “There must be a new science club that I wasn’t previously aware of.” He thinks to himself.
Arnold notices that even Velma has a ‘B’ grade, much higher than her usual ‘D.’ He goes over to ask her about it. Austin interrupts before he can begin. “Don’t talk to him, talk to me. I got two balls. I lost Don. I cried all night.”
Arnold is suspicious. He tells Austin so. Austin is still yakking to Velma. It would seem that the two of them are ‘on’ again. Austin suggests a trip to the opera. “For some culture.” Velma replies. “I hope the culture grows more than it did last time.”
At Derby’s place, Josephine lets herself in. Tony stops only to put the door back on its hinges. Josephine gets straight to the point.
“Mister Derby, I think we need to talk.”
“I was about to go out as it happens….”
“I think you owe us and explanation!”
Derby is resigned. “Okay. I’ll make some tea.”
“Oh, if we must…”
“What sort would you like?” He asks politely.
Josephine goes for Earl Grey, Tony for jasmine. Josephine thinks for a minute. “Didn’t Earl Grey marry Jasmine in the nineteenth century?”
“No.”
She shrugs. “Anyway, what can you tell us about my real watcher?”
“Miss Key disappeared about a year ago. As far as I can deduce, it was around the first week of November.”
Tony suggests “Maybe she was mistaken for a thanksgiving turkey?”
Josephine ignores him. She prompts Derby to go on. “-And?”
“-And I had my suspicions. But I turned the city upside down looking for her. She’s gone.”
“Nothing vanishes without a trace.” Josephine sounds hopeful.
“She apparently did.”
Tony interrupts. “Look on the bright side. She’s probably dead!”
“Dead, -or undead.” Derby reminds him.
“So what about the watcher gig?”
“I admit that I haven’t been entirely straight with you.” Derby shrugs, and sits down heavily in the chair.
“What happened when she disappeared? Who told the council?”
Derby tells her “I kept typing the reports. Keeping up the pretence. No need for them to know. Only now it appears that they decided to descend in person last night.”
Josephine takes a deep breath. “Well, I’m the slayer, and I say that I get to choose who should be my watcher. –And I choose you.” [ 111 ]
Derby closes his eyes for a moment. He is visibly touched. Tony removes Josephine’s hand from his wallet.
Josephine then thinks for a moment. “-And I want you to keep on mentoring young Arnold. That boy might yet prove useful.”
Tony asks. “Other than doing your homework?”
“Even more useful than that.”
Derby looks up. He and Josephine somehow catch each other’s thoughts. Simultaneously they both say. “Question is, what are we going to do?”
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Derby. All relaxed now he’s off duty.
“Y’know redundancy has made me feel twenty years younger. Again!”