Voice over: “Previously: On Josephine the Vampire Slayer”
Blank screen for 30 seconds.
-There is no ‘previously’ -it’s the pilot episode!
Roll Credits. Showing scenes from the upcoming series….
The camera swooping around Josephine as she stands atop a castle.
Werewolves terrorising cars in a car park.
An icky looking brain in a jar.
A young man lying on a mortuary slab.
The scoobies walking along a sewer tunnel.
The scoobies planting a garden in the sunshine.
Josephine dancing suggestively to sinful ‘rock and roll’ music.
Scenes of a science experiment. Bubbling chemicals in test tubes.
A vampire walking with a pregnant girl.
The scoobies apparently line-dancing. – Yeah really!
Some students in a darkened lab, gathered around a corpse and an array of fifties science-fiction props.
Finishing with a woman laughing… then vamping out.
Starring:
Jim Loder……….. As Josephine Hannigan.
Dave Weaver…… As Leroy Brown.
Paul Burton……... As Tony Suarez.
Denzil Brown……. As Arnold Percival Edwards.
Everyone else: Anthony Hummerston. Written and directed by him. He also provided sustenance in the form of copious amounts of tea, and little nibbly biscuits.
Then cut to: School room. The desks are organised in neat rows. There are students all looking bored and fidgety. At the back of the classroom, the clock shows twenty-five minutes to four. It’s a Friday afternoon, and the students are looking forward to the weekend. In another week, it’ll be the Easter vacation, and the Easter ball. Josephine is carving something into the desk with a 3-foot machete.
The teacher’s voice is indistinct as we pan around the class. The students are all in sombre uniforms with the school crest evident on jumpers and blazers.
Hunter School badge.
The motto reads: ‘Mihi Cura Futuri’ (The Care of the Future Depends on Me)
Underneath someone has scribbled “Mini Cani tuti-fruiti” (The sweets are on my small dog!)
.jpg)
Hunter High School. –A Typical red-brick comprehensive.
In the corner stands an anatomical skeleton, it is often referred to as ‘Mister McCoy’ after a biology teacher that worked at the school some generations ago. In student folklore, it is his actual bones, -still presiding over class.
.jpg)
Mister McCoy.
Of course McCoy has been the butt of numerous practical jokes over the years and has sometimes been ‘on vacation’ around the campus, and indeed around the city. For now, he waits patiently in the corner, sporting the hat and coat of the teacher, Mrs. Gibson.
.jpg)
Mrs. Gibson.
Mrs. Gibson has been taking chemistry class in the biology lab this week, after a number of minor break-ins have rendered the chemistry lab unusable. Rumours abound that local gangs of ‘Wild ones’ [ 1 ] have been raiding the school to make trouble.
Mrs Gibson is starting to set up some equipment for the next lesson. She sees the time, and the general apathy of the class. She turns to the black-board which is a roller type, and starts writing out some chemical equations for them to resolve.
As she starts to write the next few equations, she rolls the blackboard down. We can hear the scratching of pens from the class. Almost spookily, Mrs Gibson can sense Tony and Josephine pulling faces behind her back.
“Cut the chatter class. Pay attention Suarez, Hannigan….”
And then Mrs Gibson lets out a scream of icy-cold terror! [ 2 ]
As the board rolled over, a crimson splash of blood can be seen! Several of the girls scream along with Mrs. Gibson. In all it’s quite a scream-fest. Some of the more level headed pupils come to the front to offer their support for the frightened teacher, and also dodge copying down any more homework.
After the shock and screaming has receded, Mrs Gibson looks for a member of the class to get the janitor. By this time, Tony Suarez, and Josephine Hannigan have deduced that the blood is not real, just crimson paint splashed on the board to resemble blood. However, they ham it up, and in a rare moment of amateur dramatic prowess, manage to panic the other half of their classmates. Tony even smears his finger in the fake gore, and pretends to lick it. Eeew! Some of the girls start to swoon. Whether it is disgust, or his Latino good looks, it’s difficult to say.
Leroy Brown is looking rather green. Mrs. Gibson decides to send him to get the Janitor.
Leroy goes to find Henry, the mild-mannered Janitor. Henry is in his little cubby-hole, also waiting for 4-o’clock. He is keeping one eye on the door and the other is concentrating on sorting out a pile of cigarette cards featuring baseball players.
Leroy reports the incident in the biology lab, and Henry gathers his cleaning stuff together. Talking baseball, together they trundle along the corridor back to class.
Meanwhile, Josephine and Tony have managed to set up some equipment for the next week’s experiments, and soon Henry is busy scrubbing off the crimson paint from the board.
“If I ever catch ‘em ma’am, I’ll whup their hides so hard, there’d be real blood on the blackboard.”
“That’s enough Mister Chester.”
Chester turns back to his work, knowing his place. “Yes Ma’am”
.jpg)
Henry Chester. Mild-mannered Janitor and baseball know-all.
The class settles again. There are scant few minutes to go before the final bell. Just as they think they’ve avoided it, Arnold asks for some homework.
There is a collective frustrated sigh and rolling of eyes from the rest of the class.
Josephine whispers “Now don’t that just pee you off?”
Leroy asks, “What kinda hick-town is he from anyway? Homeworkville?”
“He’s from England.”
Josephine asks brightly “That’s somewhere in Europeland!”
“Your geography is outstanding Hannigan.”
“It took me most of eighth-through-tenth grade to find the geography class!”
“There’s a map on the wall outside the principal’s office.”
“Yeah, but without geography, I can’t read it!”
Tony is listening, enjoying the exchange. He leans forward. “Y’know Hannigan, you’re kinda cute…” She smiles sweetly at him. “For a white chick!”
Josephine counters “You’re kinda cute too….. – But just too poor!
The bell finally rings, and the students shuffle out of the class. Within minutes they are streaming out of the gates. Outside school there are pretty girls in poodle skirts handing out leaflets.
.jpg)
Poodle. It takes between 40 and 50 pelts to make one skirt.
It’s for a popular diner just down the road. –‘The Five Aces.’ The deal is 45¢ for all the shakes you can drink on Saturday night. The Five Aces is a favourite haunt of the teenage smart set.
Also outside the gates, is a smartly dressed young man. He is about eighteen, and has dusky skin. They guess that he is possibly Indian, or at least has ancestors from there. That’s Indian as in ‘subcontinent’, not ‘Red’ Indian. He is lounging against the side of a beaten-up old Buick. As soon as Josephine and her classmates emerge from the gates, he gets into the car and cruises off.
.jpg)
The young man. -So old, he’s sepia.
.jpg)
The young man’s ’52 Buick. Note authentic Lower East Manhattan palm trees.
Friday evening passes, and on Saturday, our heroes have various chores. Tony has a job looking after and repairing cars at his uncle’s workshop. Arnold is busy doing his homework. Arnold’s Father is in the diplomatic service. He’s rarely at home. Most days he is in meetings. Meetings with Mr. Haig, John walker, the Teachers union, and the Russian ambassador, Mr. Smirnoff. [ 3 ]
Leroy has a Saturday Job at a milk-bar. [ 4 ]
Josephine has a lie-in. Her mother works shifts at the hospital, and is rarely at home.
Josephine is left alone. Since her father is no longer living there, she has most Saturdays free. Her mother is a senior nurse, and works odd shifts. Josephine is happy to hang out with her friends, cruise the shops and generally wait for Saturday night.
By strange co-incidence Josephine and her friends, Leroy and Arnold all turn up to the 5-Aces Diner.
.jpg)
5 Aces Diner.
.jpg)
And 5 Aces Menu.
They go for the 45¢ deal, and settle down to listen to the jukebox. The five aces is a rather trendy haunt for under age socialites, and plays a good mix of oldies and rock and roll. It’s a place to see and be seen.
In the corner is the young man who was outside school yesterday. He is smartly dressed. Arnold is there in his finest. A pink nylon shirt and tweed tank-top. Lovely!
Josephine is there with a gaggle of girls. Lucy and Cheryl are rather scornful about Arnold’s attire. “Humourless and tasteless.” They observe.
One of the other girls asks Josephine what she’s doing there.
“Oh, just hangin’ -and ignoring boys.”
“That was some pretty fancy ignorin’ you were doin’ there.”
“That fella was particularly ignore-some.” They all snigger into their shakes.
The young man isn’t with anyone, but is making inroads into a fair few chocolate ice cream sodas. Outside, a couple of ‘wild ones’ pass by, and look in. Then there is a bit of a commotion, and several of the boys in the diner go to the door.
Tony has managed to secure the keys to an old Packard.
.jpg)
Tony’s Mom: “And I’ve put in some nice woolly vests for the cold spring nights. Now, anything else?”
True, it’s seen better days, but instantly gets him lots of kudos. Okay, so he’s under the legal age to drive, but so long as he doesn’t make a fool of himself, he’ll be okay just cruising the streets around the park. He is joined by a number of the boys. He obliges some of them by popping the hood, and revving the engine. It has been recently tuned and sounds sweet. Then he jumps in and takes a few parties for a ride around a few blocks. As he pulls away, we can see the licence plate: ‘B-M Mule.’
[ 5 ]
Arnold takes a keen interest, and starts discussing valves and timings and suchlike. Tony is more than pleased to talk shop. He’s spent the days at Uncle Nesto’s body shop. His Aunt has a body-shop too, but not ‘that’ kind of body-shop! His mother ‘takes in laundry’ His father reputedly ‘takes in ladies.’
Tony stops posing for a moment and gets a shake. He walks right by Josephine before he realises it is her. She looks so different out of school. He tries to be cool.
“Hi Josephine. Que Pasa?”
Josephine looks confused.
Lucy tells her “Que Pasa is a small town in Mexico.”
Josephine understands now. She shows off her geography prowess. “Oh, yeah, Mexico. -The second biggest state in Texas!”
Tony shakes his head.
A short while later, several of the ‘Wild ones’ come into the diner. Almost immediately they start making trouble. Several of the younger customers leave. The young man is watching intently, as are Leroy and Josephine. For some strange reason, these troublemakers are giving her the wiggins. Her spider-senses are tingling!
Josephine challenges the troublemakers. She gets the sharp edge of their tongues.
“Go back to your dolls, little girl!”
That’s fightin’ talk!
Then all of a sudden the wild ones are off. The young man gets up quickly and starts off down the street after them. They are heading in the direction of Hunter school. As Leroy and Josephine turn back to their drinks, they spy the young man’s bag, still nestling by the table next to the jukebox. Ever the good citizens, they pick it up, and start after the man. As they do so, they hear the clink of bottles inside. They glance in. Several coke bottles have been emptied of their original contents and filled with water. The tops have then been secured with corks. There are other items too.
Having lost sight of the young man, Leroy and Josephine hop on over to Tony and the Packard. Tony is discussing the finer points of automatics, systematics and hydromatics with Arnold. Leroy explains the situation, and Tony leaps into the car. The others follow suit and are soon making progress down the street. After a moment the wild ones and the young man are seen going into Hunter school. Tony parks the car and they all leap out.
Our team hop out of the car and follow. They are all starting to get the wiggins now. The school suddenly looks rather spooky and foreboding in the darkness. They start looking around. Suddenly they hear a window breaking, and set off in hot pursuit.
Around a corner one of the wild ones is awaiting their approach. He is a creature of the night. A vampire! And here come a few tasty morsels before the smashing and pillage can get underway. He gets ready to pounce. Footsteps approach. The vampire is highly attuned to his surroundings. All his senses are heightened. He is like a coiled spring. The young man and the kids are walking straight into an ambush…..
The vampire springs! Unfortunately for him, something has disrupted his highly attuned senses. Chances are its Josephine’s perfume, her high heels echoing off the walls or the roar of the blood in her veins. Either way, the vampire has seriously mistimed his pounce. The victims are still a good ten yards away form the corner!
The vamp vamps out. Leroy and Arnold are suitably frightened. Tony, the young man and Josephine are not cowed. The young man hefts his bag, and hands out coke bottles. He hurls one at the vampire, and closes for close combat. Josephine is but a step behind him. Tony lets out an expletive.
“Madre Dias!”[ 6 ]
“Ain’t that somewhere in Spain?”
“I think you’re thinking of Sierra Madre, -that’s in California.”
“I think I need one of those ‘thinking’’ badges!”[ 7 ]
Several seconds pass, while the young man and Josephine whale on the vampire. The other three have regained their composure and started chucking the coke bottles at the vampire, with varying success. Although a couple break, scalding the vamp like acid, the others are only effective as small clubs.
Arnold overcomes his fear, and gets the Vampire in a half-nelson. The vampire squirms half out of it – a quarter nelson!
Tony has drawn a switchblade.
.jpg)
Selection of fine switchblades. Oh for the invention of the Swiss army knife.[ 8 ]
The vampire kicks it out of his hand.
Tony is real cross. “Hey! That was a classic Frank Beltrame!”[ 9 ]
Tony reaches for a cross pendant and wraps it around his fist. He smacks the vampire in the face, leaving a smoking cross-shaped burn on its cheek. [ 10 ] -That really smarts!
“X marks the spot!”
Nonetheless, this has weakened the vampire sufficiently for the young man to strike. He misses. Josephine does the same, and also misses. The vamp snarls in contempt. “You’ll never take me alive!”
“Not planning to take you alive!”
The vampire retorts: “Y’see, I’m just playing with my food….!”
The young man counters. “I’m gonna use your dust to grit my drive!”[ 11 ]
Leroy invokes an ancient ability – handed down from generations of his ancestors. His face contorts and becomes a horrifying visage. It’s the vamp’s turn to get the wiggins this time.
In his panic to escape, the vampire manages to claw at Arnold. Arnold has the vamp in a head-lock. The vamp has Arnold in an arm-lock with his head. Leroy swings at the vampire and misses. The vampire manages to bite Josephine, -but it’s a mere scratch! However it does damage her top, making her real mad!
“I swear by my severed spaghetti strap I will end you!”[ 12 ]
This is just the chance the others need. They clunk the vampire repeatedly over the head with yet another barrage of coke bottles.[ 13 ] The young man tosses Josephine a wooden stake. Josephine almost instinctively jams it into the vampire’s chest.[ 14 ]
A second later, the vampire’s features start to lose cohesion. He cracks and desiccates, and then starts to crumble. The whole body follows suit, and in seconds, the flesh has become dust. As it disintegrates away, the skeleton is revealed. This too crumbles to dust. The whole thing has lasted no longer than the special effects budget.
Rather stunned, it takes a moment to realise what Josephine has done.
Arnold is the first to speak.
“Well, we’ve rid the world of something horrible.”
“Yeah, that suit was so ‘nineteen fifty-five!’”
“We sent his demonic soul on a one way ticket to destination damnation”
“Ain’t that somewhere near Kentucky?”
Arnold is still a little wigged at Leroy’s scary face. Just to make sure that there is no mistaking, he manages to splash Leroy with the contents of a coke bottle. There are no ill effects, though some harsh words are said over being wet. The young man reminds them that there are two more inside. They regroup and advance. They find a smashed window to climb in.
Josephine goes in first. The others oblige by trying not to look up her skirt.
“Tony! Look away too….too late!”
Their supplies of ammunition are running low. They climb inside, and Arnold manages to find a wooden pole used for window closing to make makeshift stakes. He puts it over his knee to break off lengths. It resists. He puts it on the ground and jumps on it. It resists. Sighing, he passes it to Josephine. She casually snaps it into handy ten-inch lengths with one hand, and hands one to everyone.
Arnold is rather stunned at her show of strength. But he covers well. “Must still be in shock!”
“I think I’ll call mine: ‘Woody’”
“I call ‘Spike’”
“Mister pointy?”
“Naah!”
.jpg)
Four Stakes.
“Nice stakes!”
“At least someone was paying attention in woodwork class!”
“Nice carving!”
“I really must cut my nails sometime!”
They tour some of the empty classrooms. Soon they are tracking the other wild ones toward the library.
Josephine asks “Where’s the library?”
“You’ve been here since first grade, and you don’t know where the library is?”
“Nope!”
“Next to the principal’s office!”
“Oh, I know where that is!”
There is a commotion inside. The heroes open the door to see the library being ransacked. -Noisily.
In a classic scene, the heroes all hiss “Shhhh!”
For a second the raiders all stop what they are doing. There is a moment of silence.
Leroy whispers “At last: Respect!”
Our heroes approach cautiously. Henry the janitor has recently waxed the floor.
“Watch your step, -the floor’s slippery”
“Well, this is the non-friction section!”
The raiders all look embarrassed for a second. One of them reaches behind him and picks up a large volume form the shelf, and makes ready to hurl it at our troupe…..
Next Episode: Pilot Part 2
FOOTNOTES:
[ 2 ] Terror ice-scream: Available at the 5 Aces diner: Just 15¢.
[ 3 ] "Thanks toYes Minister (Wikipedia.org) for this well worn, but much loved gag."
[ 4 ] He’s the black Milky Bar Kid.
[ 5 ] A nod to ‘Serenity’ by the same production company. (Bigman’s Mule)
[ 6 ] Mother [of] God!
[ 7 ] Reference to ‘Treasure of the Sierra Madre’ – 1948 film.
[ 8 ] Actually invented in 1890.
[ 9 ] A classic Italian knife maker.
[ 10 ] 16 years later, this incident is the origin of the book 'The Cross and the Switchblade.'
[ 11 ] Like “Monkey Island.” The art of fighting is often a battle of witty banter over actually inflicting wounds.
[ 12 ] Another nod to Serenity! (Never Easy on a Sunday Morning Part III)
[ 13 ] Coke adds life?
[ 14 ] Nothing to see here. Move along please!